Ask Me Help Desk - I can't stop thinking about my ex

Hi,

I realise that so many people post roughly the same as what I'm about to post, but I have to get it off my chest.

My ex-girlfriend ended our 2 year relationship three months ago, and I cannot stop obsessing about her and about what we had.

I thought that the pain would get less over time, but three months on (minimal contact) I feel like it is getting worse not better. I feel like I am drowning and I cannot function properly because she crowds my every thought.

The break up was sudden and unexpected, but not messy - she got a new job with new people and a whole new lifestyle, and I think that she threw herself in to it in a way that made her want "everything" to be new. Basically she started a new chapter in her life, I guess, and didn't feel that we as a couple would work as part of that. I don't hate her, which is somehow worse.

The thing is, it was the right move for her - I can see that she is so much happier now, things weren't going well for her before. She used to say that I was the only good thing in her life, but I guess she realised that she needed to prove to herself that she could survive without me. I'm so happy that she is. But I'm also so upset that she is! She seems to have moved on so easily, I think there has been casual dating with other guys etc.

Anyway, if you're still reading, thanks. I guess I just want to hear any words of hope or advice - as I say, I feel like I'm drowning in my sadness and it is getting worse over time not better...

Normally I like to think it takes half the time you have been with someone to get over them after a break up. I got out of a 2 year relationship on January and I am feeling a lot better now, but after three months I was still thinking about her all the time, now every now and then, maybe when a certain song comes on or whatever, but I am OK with her being happy on her own and with me being happy on my own (but not alone ;P... ).

Give it time, go no contact, continue living your life, and soon you will realize that you start thinking about her less and less as the days go on, if you are a bad drunk, don't drink during this time to avoid relapses with her. Stop seeing what she does, whatever that is, is none of your business anymore, erase from Facebook, phone, email, EVERYTHING! Accept the break up once and for all and start moving on. You will be OK, and if you have anything bad happen to you during your healing period, we will be here to listen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amillersong

I thought that the pain would get less over time, but three months on (minimal contact) I feel like it is getting worse not better. I feel like I am drowning and I cannot function properly because she crowds my every thought.

That's your problem right there. There ought to be zero contact. Enforce this by blocking her phone number, e-mail, and Facebook.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Hey, amillersong! What you're feeling right now it's PERFECTLY NORMAL. I mean, you had a two years relationship with her and according to what you said, you had also been quite committed to her, so it's obviously you cannot forget her over night. Even if you could, it wouldn't be healthy, either, for you couldn't have learned anything from this experience and swapping feelings on command would turn you into a less human being.

I've been in a similar situation as yours and believe me, I know how it feels to go through an unexpected break-up, to see your ex happier without you and to find yourself thinking obsessively about what you had... I know, it's difficult, but it's not the end of the world. Three months should be enough for living in bitterness, now it's time to make a change in your life, too.

First of all, I suggest no contact at all if possible. That would truly help yourself take your mind off her. If you hear some news from her life or if she tells you something that reminds you of some moments you should not recall, you will never get over her. Of course, if you happen to meet her by chance, don't be impolite, say a simple 'hello' and try to reduce the conversastion as much as possible.

Secondly, you should put down a few ideas about what you enjoyed in your relationship with her, what you learned out of it and consider if it changed you in any way, then try to be realistic and find some reasons (others than she mentioned for your break-up) why your relationship wouldn't have survived in the future. This will help you realise that you might not have had everything and it will also give you that reason not necessarily to hate her, but to break the chains of attachment. You could also try to write about your feelings or to talk to somebody, to have it off your chest, as you said. Talking is very helpful.

Thirdly, enjoy your life. Do something you like, get yourself busy, concentrate on your hobbies or start a new one, have some sport, especially when you feel down and you don't feel like doing anything but think about her, try have some exercises, this way, your mind will focus on your body and in no time you'll forget about her and FEEL BETTER. Go out with some friends, don't stay alone, get some fun, learn something new... life is great. Taste a little bit of everything.

I hope it helps. This worked for me, but now it's up to you. Good luck! :)