My husband and I have been married for 17 months been together 7 years. I feel he don't like my kids when I ask him he tells me he don't have a problem with them. But every time I go and do anything with them or for them he gets mad. If I ask him for his help he tells me he is not there father and he is not response able for them. I Iove him but I love my kids more. What should I do?

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Originally Posted by April Yarbrough

My husband and I have been married for 17 months been together 7 years. I feel he don't like my kids when I ask him he tells me he don't have a problem with them. But every time I go and do anything with them or for them he gets mad. If I ask him for his help he tells me he is not there father and he is not response able for them. I Iove him but I love my kids more. What should I do?

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You marrying him just 17 months ago, isn't a magic bullet that will make him a good father to your children. I presume that the first 7 years of your relationship, he had the same attitude toward your children? So, he's been in their lives for over 8 years, and has essentially had the same attitude?

To your children, he IS their father, but for some reason, chooses to dial out. It would be helpful to know how old your children are- maybe he's making excuses because what you are asking him to do, or help with, he doesn't know how to help, or is unsure of what he's doing?

He must know that he is responsible for them, as do you. Why do you think he's dialing out?

My kids are 15 year old boy a 16 year old girl and a 20 year old young man my 20 year old works and goes to school. He is saving his money to get his own place. He is never at home because of work and school. He pays rent but my husband does not want him there I can't put my son out he's not disrespectful we have no family. My
Daughter stays in her room she is a honor roll student. My other son is very quiet stays in his room also. I have asked my husband to show my boys how a man should be there father is not in there life. I tells me it's my fault they don't have a father because I chose to have kids by them. I maybe married but I'm still a single mother.

What is your question?

JaykayTee is I don't know how to handle what Im going through. There is so much more I'm going through. I need help!

You cannot force someone to be a father. It's as simple as that.

How was he toward the children before you were married? It's difficult to believe that he was good with them and then everything suddenly changed.

No one can answer a question which isn't really a question - "So much more" tells me nothing.

There's a clue to what is going on when you say you love him but love them more. Love has no limit, so you are implying that you are ready to make a choice between them. You don't say who owns the home or whether he has kids. Does the 20 year old share the grocery bill? You don't say who supports the family. Is the help you ask for monetary? Teens are money sinks. You just aren't telling us enough to go on. Money is the #1 cause of dissension between spouses.

Before we got married we did not live together. When we moved in together that's when things changed. He has been married before he raised his ex-wife kids they call him there father. He has to kids with his ex-wife. I'm not trying to force him to be a father all I want is for him to treat them fair. Let me tell you some of the things he does. His kids are 11 and 13 now the rule in our house is no eating in the living room my kids don't if they do he gets mad BUT his kids can. If I'm at work he will go out and buy his kids dinner and not mine. He thinks just because his kids don't live there they should not clean up after there selves but my kids should. I buy his kids Christmas presents he don't buy my kids nothing. He got mad that my 20 year old son took me and his little brother to the movies! That's just some of the things he does. I'm at work right now my son just called me and asked can he turn the air on he woke up hot. I turned the air on before I left its 105 here in Atlanta today my husband turned it off before he left. That's what I mean about there is so much more and there is more.

@joypulv I don't ask him for money I take care of my kids I work everyday I have always took care of them. We both own the home, my son pays rent every month. I buy the food I buy everything for the house I pay the light bill and pay the cable bill the only thing he pays
Us the mortgage. I pay everything because my kids are there plus I make sure they have what they need.

Why are you with this man - why don't you leave? HE controls the air conditioning?

@judykeyTee I'm trying to leave I'm trying to save money so I can get a apartment and the things I need for it. When I get paid after I buy food for my kids and pay my part of the bills and make sure I have gas money for the next to weeks I'm just about broke. And yes he does control the air but I will turn it on and we argue but I don't care. I'm trying to leave the easy way but I don't think it's going to be.

Why did you marry him? I'm assuming he did not all of a sudden get this way with your kids. You've been with this man 7 years.
Leave him. There is no way I'd stay married to a man that mistreats my kids.

I don't think there ever is an easy way. Why do you have to leave with the children? Can't you just ask him to leave or retain an Attorney to get him out?

@homegirl50 he was not like this when we were dating. It's hard to leave when you don't have anywhere to go no family or friends. When I save enough money to leave I will right now I don't have the money (wish I did)

@judykayTee I have asked him to leave he said he's not going anywhere. I can't afford a attorney right now.

You both own the home, you are both on the deed (right?), you are married.
You don't have to leave.
I personally suggest a marriage counselor with a lot of emphasis on the financial aspect, but the emotional and practical too. Both of you are not used to operating as a combined family. Going to the movies with one son somehow had vast importance to him which could be because you have certain reservations about blending with his kids too, and the difference of his kids being there only part time certainly doesn't make it any easier. Talking it out is key. You must have gotten along fine for 7 years! Can this marriage be saved? I think it could. If you can't afford counseling sit down with paper and pen and each write down all those little needs and wishes about the kids, the money, the gifts, the food, the AC, and finally the bills. Cold as it sounds, maybe a book of who spends what on what is a start.