Ask Me Help Desk - Why can't I get along with my 19 year old daughter?

I am wondering if some parents who have been through this can help me. My daughter who is at university works part time, lives at home and has been spreading her wings the last 18 months. Recently we argued because she has been quite abusive and critical of the way my husband and I raised her.We asked her to leave as we were finding it very stressful. She left for a few days and came back saying she is planning to move out when she finds something suitable. I have read some other stories here about there children moving out and not talking to them. I feel so anxious about this. Is this normal? We continue to stress that we support her in whatever she decides to do, but I can't help feeling that I will never have a close relationship with her.

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Originally Posted by realthing

I am wondering if some parents who have been through this can help me. My daughter who is at university works part time, lives at home and has been spreading her wings the last 18 months. Recently we argued because she has been quite abusive and critical of the way my husband and I raised her.We asked her to leave as we were finding it very stressful. She left for a few days and came back saying she is planning to move out when she finds something suitable. I have read some other stories here about there children moving out and not talking to them. I feel so anxious about this. Is this normal? We continue to stress that we support her in whatever she decides to do, but I can't help feeling that I will never have a close relationship with her.

She's cocky because she thinks she can do anything she wants... just because she's 19. But lacks a complete grasp of the real responsibility that goes with it...

Tell her as long as she lives in YOUR house... she will be respectful of you and everyone in it... and when she leaves she can support herself... your help will end... reality is going to smack her in the forehead real quick... and its going to be a lesson she NEEDS to learn.

She wants freedom? That also carries with it having to fully support herself in all ways too.

Eventually the brain damage that's associated with adolescence will pass and slowly heal itself. And she's going to come to terms with what an a s s she's been towards you.

Thanks for answering so quickly - I did not expect that. I guess I need to step back a bit and not take it so much to heart.

Does she have any merit in questioning the way you raised her?
What was your relationship like growing up?

It is normal for a girl that age to be acting this way... it all depends on how you treat her... does she have a curfue? Do you let her drive by herslef? Stuff like that, try lossening the rules a little bit and don't punish her because I am a teen and trust me if I get grounded I won't want to speak to my mom ever again. I think you are being a pretective parent because you don't want your daughter to grow up. But you need to let her go :) she wants to move out to start her own life and oyu shouldn't get into the way of that so try doing what she wants to do and be chill and don't punish her for like a month or so and if she still wants to mmove out then let her she wants to start her own life and yiou need to let her. Its not like hse snot going to tlak to you anymore or need to tlakk to you about her probs she has best friends and you so don't be upset if her best friends are the people she goes to first! Anyway good luck :)

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Originally Posted by emiboo8656

it is normal for a girl that age to be acting this way... it all depends on how you treat her... does she have a curfue? do you let her drive by herslef? stuff like that, try lossening the rules a little bit and dont punish her because i am a teen and trust me if i get grounded i wont want to speak to my mom ever again. i think you are being a pretective parent because you dont want your daughter to grow up. but you need to let her go :) she wants to move out to start her own life and oyu shouldnt get into the way of that so try doing what she wants to do and be chill and dont punish her for like a month or so and if she still wants to mmove out then let her she wants to start her own life and yiou need to let her. its not like hse snot gonna tlak to you anymore or need to tlakk to you abt her probs she has best friends and you so dont be upset if her best friends are the poeple she goes to first! anyways good luck :)

No its not normal for a teen girl to be like that ( I knew a lot of girls AND guys that age that didn't, as well as a few that did)... and no as an adult she is not entitled to do it when she lives in someone else's house eating someone else's food, spending someone else's money. Until she pays her own rent... and supports herself in her own place... she doesn't get to do everything she wants whenever she wants... its being disrespectful of her mom.

When its her moms house... then its her moms rules. When she's got her own house, and is supporting herself , then she gets to make the rules.

And by the time she pays all those expenses out of her pocket... her perspective is going to change a great deal... when she starts seeing it through th eeyes of her mother.

Quote:

Originally Posted by emiboo8656

it is normal for a girl that age to be acting this way... it all depends on how you treat her... does she have a curfue? do you let her drive by herslef? stuff like that, try lossening the rules a little bit and dont punish her because i am a teen and trust me if i get grounded i wont want to speak to my mom ever again. i think you are being a pretective parent because you dont want your daughter to grow up. but you need to let her go :) she wants to move out to start her own life and oyu shouldnt get into the way of that so try doing what she wants to do and be chill and dont punish her for like a month or so and if she still wants to mmove out then let her she wants to start her own life and yiou need to let her. its not like hse snot gonna tlak to you anymore or need to tlakk to you abt her probs she has best friends and you so dont be upset if her best friends are the poeple she goes to first! anyways good luck :)

Curfue: Cur-foo?

Anyway, it you get grounded you won't speak to your Mom ever again - right up until you need your laundry done.

Typical kid with an inflated image of herself and her importance.

Do you let her drive by herself? Where is this?

I was in a similar situation, however I was in the place of the daughter. I'm a year older than your daughter and my husband, my daughter and I moved in with my parents after my husband got out of the army. We were supposed to only stay a few months until we found our own place, but we got scammed out of thousands of dollars in our move (from nc to ca) so my parents offered for us to stay longer so we could build our savings back up (it wasn't a burden for my parents since they are very comfortable financially, and technically the only reason we moved back there was so they could be close to their granddaughter). During living there my mother (and sometimes my father) consistently went against my wishes with my daughter and when I didn't take her advice (which was never asked for, and never needed) she would throw, literally, a hissy fit like a child. She didn't like that I want to raise my daughter differently then she raised me (my mom was very coddling with few rules and highly over protective), and she made it very clear with her actions that she didn't respect me as a mother. She's very protective over me because I've been chronically ill since I was 11, with the same thing she has. So instead of preparing me for the world she protected me, to the point where I'm now clueless on basic things. She wouldn't ask me if she could do things for my daughter before doing them for some critical and my daughter would always suffer in the end (one instance my mom wanted to take a bath with her, which I said was fine, but during the bath she put my daughter on her back with her ears under the water, she was 5 months old). It ended in a fight where my mom went ballistic and kicked us out. We had no where to go, so we ended up moving to where my husbands parents live in SC. My mom and I made up, but we rarely talk.

So I don't know how your daughter has been acting, or what it is she is so upset about (there are things I'm angry about with the way my parents did things with me, and I'm sure they'd consider the way I'd bring it up abusive, whether it was or not) but perhaps there is some merit? Whether there is or not, the best thing you can do is to try and stay connected with her. Ask her out to lunch just the two of you, and maybe you guys can connect as two adults.