My boyfriend and I have been dating for a bit over a month and he has been really neglectful lately... We used to text and talk on the phone all the time, but lately it's not at all like that.

On the 23rd around 6o'clock I expressed to Gordon how I feel about the limited contact thing (he's working nights at his job for two months to train for a better position). I asked him if he is having second thoughts about us or anything and he said no not at all and that it was just because of work and he told me he loves me and isn't going anywhere... He also called me to tell me he loves me and that he was going back to bed for a bit but promised to text me when he woke up.. I didn't hear from him for the rest of the night.. Or AT ALL yesterday or the day before that and so far nothing today (it's the 26th now).

Honestly I think he is texting and/or seeing other girls. Because I saw his phone right after we got together and he had been texting other girls sexually around the same time he was texting me. I think he is breaking promises to me and being distant to coax me into dumping him. Like he promised at the start of our relationship that he wouldn't smoke anymore and now every time I hang out with him he smells like smoke... But I don't know why if that is the case he would tell me that it's not, instead of just being honest?

I am seriously at the end of my rope. There is no excuse for it. How hard is it to pick up the phone and send a fking text?

I went over to his house on the 18th to stay over and supposedly his dad texted him while I was there and told him that he had changed his mind about me staying over so I had to leave.. And then Gordon promised to come over early the next day to spend the day with me but didn't even get out of bed till 3 pm when he wasn't working nights yet.. So I bussed it up there to spend time with him and surprise him and he was all like you know what I will meet you at the bus stop and walk you to the other one because it's going to rain.. So we saw each other for like 10 minutes and haven't seen each other since.

I told my mum what is going on and she said she thinks it's just because he's working nights now.. And to give it time. She said nights take a lot out of you and that's probably why.. Also his sister is apparently in town right now and he has been stressed with this new job thing and his dad is dying of cancer... but things like this never affected his communication before, what's going on? Should I just give him some time and see what happens? He hasn't taken off our relationship status on Facebook, he just won't talk to me... =(

We can't possibly know what kind of person he is, whether the night job, his dad with cancer, his sister in town all mean that he really and truly has you on some sort of hold, or if his heart is wandering elsewhere. Why wouldn't he tell you? The usual reason is that he is hanging on until he has the other person. Number two favorite is he just isn't the confrontational type. But that's assuming that he is done with you, and you don't know.
I would ignore him. Force yourself to be busy no matter how hard it is. If he comes to you, deal with it then. If he doesn't, you are better off without someone so inconsiderate.

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Originally Posted by joypulv

We can't possibly know what kind of person he is, whether the night job, his dad with cancer, his sister in town all mean that he really and truly has you on some sort of hold, or if his heart is wandering elsewhere. Why wouldn't he tell you? The usual reason is that he is hanging on til he has the other person. Number two favorite is he just isn't the confrontational type. But that's assuming that he is done with you, and you don't know.
I would ignore him. Force yourself to be busy no matter how hard it is. If he comes to you, deal with it then. If he doesn't, you are better off without someone so inconsiderate.

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It just really hurts because he went from telling me he wants me to be his wife and to live with me, to just not talking at all? He told me on the 23rd that he wants us to live as one, that he loves me, and that he isn't going anywhere, I just don't know what's up with him... he's being so cold. I wish he would just be more direct if he wanted to break up, and not leave me on the hook and wondering.

Wow.

Are you working? What do you do all day, other than sit around waiting for this poor guy to text you or call you.

My husband works split shift, 2 weeks days, 2 weeks nights. We live in the same house, and when he's on nights, I can tell you that I barely see him at all, even though he's in the house. He sleeps until right before his next shift. Working nights is unnatural and exhausting.

His father is dying of cancer to boot! Been there too! Both of my parents died of cancer a little more than 6 months apart. I barely saw my husband during that time, I was either at the hospital or at my parents house, taking care of them, and spending every minute I could with them. I also barely saw my son for the 2 weeks before my dad died. I was at the hospital for 12 hours plus a day, and my son was with my mother-in-law or my husband.

Cut the guy some slack. He has a lot on his plate, and texting you is not as important right now. Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it just means that you should be more understanding. In fact, you should be telling him to deal with what he has going on, and text you whenever he can, and if he can't, stop hounding him!

If you really love him, you should be able to take the back seat and let him get through all the crap he's dealing with. If you really love him, you'll be there. Right now he has other stuff that's much more important than texting you, or spending time with you. If you can't accept that, or understand that, then leave the poor guy alone.

As for him being cold. When my parents were dying of cancer, I didn't even want a hug from the man I married, the man I love! I just wanted to be alone with my grief.

He doesn't owe you an explanation right now, and the fact that you're demanding one... just wow! Try to put yourself in his shoes. He needs someone that's there for him, not someone that's nagging him because she's not getting enough of him when he's already stressed to the max.

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Originally Posted by Alty

Wow.

Are you working? What do you do all day, other than sit around waiting for this poor guy to text you or call you.

My husband works split shift, 2 weeks days, 2 weeks nights. We live in the same house, and when he's on nights, I can tell you that I barely see him at all, even though he's in the house. He sleeps until right before his next shift. Working nights is unnatural and exhausting.

His father is dying of cancer to boot! Been there too! Both of my parents died of cancer a little more than 6 months apart. I barely saw my husband during that time, I was either at the hospital or at my parents house, taking care of them, and spending every minute I could with them. I also barely saw my son for the 2 weeks before my dad died. I was at the hospital for 12 hours plus a day, and my son was with my mother-in-law or my husband.

Cut the guy some slack. He has a lot on his plate, and texting you is not as important right now. Doesn't mean he doesn't care about you, it just means that you should be more understanding. In fact, you should be telling him to deal with what he has going on, and text you whenever he can, and if he can't, stop hounding him!

If you really love him, you should be able to take the back seat and let him get through all the crap he's dealing with. If you really love him, you'll be there. Right now he has other stuff that's much more important than texting you, or spending time with you. If you can't accept that, or understand that, then leave the poor guy alone.

As for him being cold. When my parents were dying of cancer, I didn't even want a hug from the man I married, the man I love! I just wanted to be alone with my grief.

He doesn't owe you an explanation right now, and the fact that you're demanding one....just wow! Try to put yourself in his shoes. He needs someone that's there for him, not someone that's nagging him because she's not getting enough of him when he's already stressed to the max.

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Wow. First of all your response is incredibly rude. I have always been there for my boyfriend through everything, telling him that we can make plans for the future after everything is sorted out (he lives with his parents) and being there for his family too, so don't even begin to start on me about not being there for him because frankly it's b.s.
You make time for the ones you love, whether it be one simple text in the morning saying I love you and have a good day or whatever it may be, it doesn't take much time or effort to send a text. I have been there for him for the entire time we have been together... Being there for rides for his dad to get to his appointments, making sure his parents don't need anything and also my boyfriend, so don't you dare claim that I am not supportive because I would like an explanation for the disappearing act.
There is a fine line between offering some advice and being just plain mean, and unfortunately you crossed that line with that post...

And yes. I do work full time, go to school, and have a three year old... if you must know.

I'm sorry for calling you rude. But you could have been more sensitive to my feelings instead of implying that I am some unsupportive naggy girlfriend who just sits around and complains all day, because that is not who I am at all and my support for him and his family has never waivered... I have never nagged him about things, and I have never brought up that it bothers me that he isn't texting.. Instead I ask my friends for advice and tell him that I am here if he needs me...
But my guy friends seem to think he's just playing me, and I really want to believe that it's just the nights and his dad and stress and that he will come around... which is why I came here. To see what others thought, not to get chewed up and spat out by someone who doesn't even know me.

I understand how you feel, and really, I didn't mean to be rude. My post was meant to show you how it feels, because I've been where your boyfriend is right now, and I'm married, was married when I lost both of my parents, and I hardly had time for my husband, even my son who was 2 at the time. My only concern was my parents, and being there for them, and I didn't have the added stress of working nights training for a new job.

I don't know you, you're right. But, I do know what your boyfriend is going through. Support isn't enough. When you're going through what he's going through, some people, I was one of them, block everyone out. They don't have the strength to keep up relationships. So, it's up to you to be patient, let him deal with this, and if he needs you, he'll call, and you can be there for him in whatever way he needs you to be.

But let him call the shots right now.

I would text him, or call him, and say "I understand that you're going through a hard time. I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now. I don't expect you to call me, or text me, but I would like to know that you're okay. If you need me, when you need me, I'm here, ready to be there for you in whatever way you need. Just know that I love you, and I'm here for you."

That's what I would do, that's what I would need if I were him, and I've been him, I've been where he is now.

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Originally Posted by Alty

I understand how you feel, and really, I didn't mean to be rude. My post was meant to show you how it feels, because I've been where your boyfriend is right now, and I'm married, was married when I lost both of my parents, and I hardly had time for my husband, even my son who was 2 at the time. My only concern was my parents, and being there for them, and I didn't have the added stress of working nights training for a new job.

I don't know you, you're right. But, I do know what your boyfriend is going through. Support isn't enough. When you're going through what he's going through, some people, I was one of them, block everyone out. They don't have the strength to keep up relationships. So, it's up to you to be patient, let him deal with this, and if he needs you, he'll call, and you can be there for him in whatever way he needs you to be.

But let him call the shots right now.

I would text him, or call him, and say "I understand that you're going through a hard time. I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now. I don't expect you to call me, or text me, but I would like to know that you're okay. If you need me, when you need me, I'm here, ready to be there for you in whatever way you need. Just know that I love you, and I'm here for you."

That's what I would do, that's what I would need if I were him, and I've been him, I've been where he is now.

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Thank you for the explanation. I guess your post just hurt because I have been very selfless towards my boyfriend since day one, telling him that his parents and work are his priorities and that I am here for him and forces parents if they need anything at all... I understand that he is going through a hard time, and I guess I should be more patient with him and see what happens.

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Originally Posted by kissiscosmic

Thank you for the explanation. I guess your post just hurt because I have been very selfless towards my bf since day one, telling him that his parents and work are his priorities and that I am here for him and forces parents if they need anything at all... I understand that he is going through a hard time, and I guess I should be more patient with him and see what happens.

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You're welcome.

One thing you have to understand about sites like this. We go by what's written, and when it comes to the written word, we all interpret it differently, and we all go by our own experiences when we read a question.

When I read your post, I felt for your boyfriend, because I know how it feels to be in the position he's in now. It's horrible. It's so hard. If he's like me, it's even harder to reach out, especially to those you love. You just want to be by yourself, you want to curl into a ball and be alone Those you love the most are usually the ones you hurt the most, because their sympathy, their understanding, is sometimes just too much, makes it all too real.

Do be patient with him. Let him know that you're not giving up on him, that you love him, and that you'll be there for him, no matter what.

One thing I can suggest for him is counseling. When my dad died (he was the first to die) the cancer clinic he was in offered free counseling to patients and the family of patients. I went. It did me a world of good.

I continued to go all throughout my mothers treatment, and after she died 6 months after my dad.

The counseling did a world of good for me.

I'd also suggest that he post here. There are a lot of people that have gone through, or are going through, what he's going through now. Talking about it to people that have been there, or are there right now, helps a lot. Only someone that's been where he is now can truly understand what he's going through. You're very lucky that you haven't had to go through that, and I hope you never will.

Just have to add.

We're also here for you. You're going through a lot as well. What you're going through isn't easy either. It's hard to be there for someone dealing with what your boyfriend is dealing with. It's hard to try to maintain a relationship with someone that seems to be pulling away from you.

Trust me on this. One day soon, he's going to need you. He's going to need you more than you'll ever know. If you can be there for him, that will mean the world to him.

Let him come to you. Until then, we're here to help you deal with your end of things. :)

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Originally Posted by Alty

You're welcome.

One thing you have to understand about sites like this. We go by what's written, and when it comes to the written word, we all interpret it differently, and we all go by our own experiences when we read a question.

When I read your post, I felt for your bf, because I know how it feels to be in the position he's in now. It's horrible. It's so hard. If he's like me, it's even harder to reach out, especially to those you love. You just want to be by yourself, you want to curl into a ball and be alone Those you love the most are usually the ones you hurt the most, because their sympathy, their understanding, is sometimes just too much, makes it all too real.

Do be patient with him. Let him know that you're not giving up on him, that you love him, and that you'll be there for him, no matter what.

One thing I can suggest for him is counseling. When my dad died (he was the first to die) the cancer clinic he was in offered free counseling to patients and the family of patients. I went. It did me a world of good.

I continued to go all throughout my mothers treatment, and after she died 6 months after my dad.

The counseling did a world of good for me.

I'd also suggest that he post here. There are a lot of people that have gone through, or are going through, what he's going through now. Talking about it to people that have been there, or are there right now, helps a lot. Only someone that's been where he is now can truly understand what he's going through. You're very lucky that you haven't had to go through that, and I hope you never will.

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No, I haven't had a family member (aside from my grandpa) die from cancer. However, I have gone through it myself... I know how extremely exhausting it is and what his dad is going through, which is why I have been there for him and his family the entire time, and still am here for him.
Also, I lost someone I was very close to (was with for four years) unexpectedly to a drunk driver.. That was incredibly hard as well. I know what it's like to lose someone close to you.

It's weird though... Like, when I was at his house and his dad was feeling sick and didn't want us to stay over I was completely okay with it because it's his health... but my boyfriend sometimes says things like 'I'm so sick of him, I wish he was already dead.', and they don't seem to be very close... Which is unfortunate, and why I kind of question why he hasn't talked to me since his dad being sick never stopped him before.. But I hope that when his dad gets more sick they will grow closer.
And I really really hope that his absence is due to stress, and not another girl or disinterest in me.

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Originally Posted by Alty

Just have to add.

We're also here for you. You're going through a lot as well. What you're going through isn't easy either. It's hard to be there for someone dealing with what your bf is dealing with. It's hard to try to maintain a relationship with someone that seems to be pulling away from you.

Trust me on this. One day soon, he's going to need you. He's going to need you more than you'll ever know. If you can be there for him, that will mean the world to him.

Let him come to you. Until then, we're here to help you deal with your end of things. :)

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His dad isn't hospital sick yet. I spoke to his mom about it one time and she said that he is in remission but still has a lot of pain and sleeps a lot and can't work... My boyfriend says he doesn't think he will make it too much longer, I am not sure what's worse though... dying and him not suffering, or holding on and being in pain and physically drained all the time. It's bad both ways. =(

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Originally Posted by kissiscosmic

His dad isn't hospital sick yet. I spoke to his mom about it one time and she said that he is in remission but still has a lot of pain and sleeps a lot and can't work... My bf says he doesn't think he will make it too much longer, I am not sure what's worse though... dying and him not suffering, or holding on and being in pain and physically drained all the time. It's bad both ways. =(

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When it comes to cancer, it's always bad, no matter what.

I have to say, I was very close to both of my parents, but near the end I was sick of it, I couldn't stand seeing them suffer anymore, and there were times when I wished that it would just be over already. I can't say that my thoughts were completely selfless, and only for them. It's a lot to handle, in all aspects, physical, emotional, you name it. It's not easy on anyone.

I can understand why your boyfriend is having a hard time with it. Even if he's not that close to his dad, that's still his dad, and if he lives in the same house, he's dealing with a lot.

I wish I could tell you for sure that he's not just blowing you off for another girl. I really can't, there's no way to know what's going on in his head, unless he tells you.

If this is something you're concerned about, then I really would suggest talking to him about it. Send a text or call and tell him what's on your mind. Let him know how you feel. If he tells you that it's just because of his dad, and the new job, then you have to decide if you trust him and believe him.

But at least talk to him about it, don't speculate just based on how he's acting right now. If he wasn't in the situation he's in, I'd tell you to call him and say "WTF? Remember me, your gf?" But he is in a horrible situation right now, and I'd bet that how he's acting has a lot to do with what he's going through. But, again, I can't know for sure. Only he knows for sure.

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Originally Posted by Alty

When it comes to cancer, it's always bad, no matter what.

I have to say, I was very close to both of my parents, but near the end I was sick of it, I couldn't stand seeing them suffer anymore, and there were times when I wished that it would just be over already. I can't say that my thoughts were completely selfless, and only for them. It's a lot to handle, in all aspects, physical, emotional, you name it. It's not easy on anyone.

I can understand why your bf is having a hard time with it. Even if he's not that close to his dad, that's still his dad, and if he lives in the same house, he's dealing with a lot.

I wish I could tell you for sure that he's not just blowing you off for another girl. I really can't, there's no way to know what's going on in his head, unless he tells you.

If this is something you're concerned about, then I really would suggest talking to him about it. Send a text or call and tell him what's on your mind. Let him know how you feel. If he tells you that it's just because of his dad, and the new job, then you have to decide if you trust him and believe him.

But at least talk to him about it, don't speculate just based on how he's acting right now. If he wasn't in the situation he's in, I'd tell you to call him and say "WTF? Remember me, your gf?" But he is in a horrible situation right now, and I'd bet that how he's acting has a lot to do with what he's going through. But, again, I can't know for sure. Only he knows for sure.

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The thing is though.. When I text him.. He doesn't text back at all.. And doesn't answer when I phone him. I talked to him on the 23rd where he said that he wasn't having second thoughts, that he loved me, that he wants us to live together, and that it's just because of the night shift and being tired.. So I said okay, and that's all I needed to know. I also texted him yesterday saying: 'Heyy.. Hope things are going okay. I miss you and hope to hear from you soon.'
And then tried calling him this morning to ask him how things are going but he didn't answer. Then just now I sent a message like the one you told me to send, but got no response. He hasn't said a word to me since he called me to promise that he would text me after his nap and that never happened.. And that was 3 1/2 days ago. =\
Maybe his phone is broken.. I have no idea. I have considered stopping by to see if he needs anything in person but I don't want to bother him if what he is needing is time and space alone. Not to mention if he was with another girl when I showed up that would kill me. =(
I do think it's a little strange though that he wouldn't want to see me while his sister is in town and introduce me to her. It has me worried that the reason he's not is because he doesn't feel our relationship is going to last much longer. I don't really know.

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Originally Posted by Alty

When it comes to cancer, it's always bad, no matter what.

I have to say, I was very close to both of my parents, but near the end I was sick of it, I couldn't stand seeing them suffer anymore, and there were times when I wished that it would just be over already. I can't say that my thoughts were completely selfless, and only for them. It's a lot to handle, in all aspects, physical, emotional, you name it. It's not easy on anyone.

I can understand why your bf is having a hard time with it. Even if he's not that close to his dad, that's still his dad, and if he lives in the same house, he's dealing with a lot.

I wish I could tell you for sure that he's not just blowing you off for another girl. I really can't, there's no way to know what's going on in his head, unless he tells you.

If this is something you're concerned about, then I really would suggest talking to him about it. Send a text or call and tell him what's on your mind. Let him know how you feel. If he tells you that it's just because of his dad, and the new job, then you have to decide if you trust him and believe him.

But at least talk to him about it, don't speculate just based on how he's acting right now. If he wasn't in the situation he's in, I'd tell you to call him and say "WTF? Remember me, your gf?" But he is in a horrible situation right now, and I'd bet that how he's acting has a lot to do with what he's going through. But, again, I can't know for sure. Only he knows for sure.

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Also (sorry for ranting, just trying to state all the facts). I noticed that on June 2nd he added his ex (who he told me he never talks to anymore and they have been broken up for almost a year) to Facebook... I asked him non-confrontationally a while ago (like a week after it happened) what that was about and he was like well why not, my mom has her on hers too... So I just said okay, I trust you, and dropped it without bringing it up again...
So yeah. Maybe she is scheming to get him back. I know they were together for three years and had a place together, but when his dad got sick she didn't want my boyfriend to move back to help hospital parents out and made him choose.. And he clearly chose his parents as well he should.

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Originally Posted by Alty

When it comes to cancer, it's always bad, no matter what.

I have to say, I was very close to both of my parents, but near the end I was sick of it, I couldn't stand seeing them suffer anymore, and there were times when I wished that it would just be over already. I can't say that my thoughts were completely selfless, and only for them. It's a lot to handle, in all aspects, physical, emotional, you name it. It's not easy on anyone.

I can understand why your bf is having a hard time with it. Even if he's not that close to his dad, that's still his dad, and if he lives in the same house, he's dealing with a lot.

I wish I could tell you for sure that he's not just blowing you off for another girl. I really can't, there's no way to know what's going on in his head, unless he tells you.

If this is something you're concerned about, then I really would suggest talking to him about it. Send a text or call and tell him what's on your mind. Let him know how you feel. If he tells you that it's just because of his dad, and the new job, then you have to decide if you trust him and believe him.

But at least talk to him about it, don't speculate just based on how he's acting right now. If he wasn't in the situation he's in, I'd tell you to call him and say "WTF? Remember me, your gf?" But he is in a horrible situation right now, and I'd bet that how he's acting has a lot to do with what he's going through. But, again, I can't know for sure. Only he knows for sure.

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So last night after I sent him the text about being here for him he sent one back saying 'I love you too beautiful sorry we haven't been talking.'
Not sure if I should respond or just leave him be until he sorts everything out and let him miss me for a while. =\

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Originally Posted by kissiscosmic

So last night after I sent him the text about being here for him he sent one back saying 'I love you too beautiful sorry we haven't been talking.'
Not sure if I should respond or just leave him be until he sorts everything out and let him miss me for a while. =\

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It sounds like he realizes that he's been ignoring you, and that he's very sorry about it. Let him know that you understand, and that you'll leave the ball in his court. If he wants to see you, he knows where to find you.

Sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder, but I don't find it fair to you. You do have to let him know that you're willing to wait, and you're there, but that you also have needs, and that you deserve to be a part of his life if he still wants a relationship with you. In fact, I might even go so far as to tell him that you're wondering if he still wants this relationship, and that you want to know the truth so you can either put your heart and soul into the relationship, or move on.

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Originally Posted by Alty

It sounds like he realizes that he's been ignoring you, and that he's very sorry about it. Let him know that you understand, and that you'll leave the ball in his court. If he wants to see you, he knows where to find you.

Sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder, but I don't find it fair to you. You do have to let him know that you're willing to wait, and you're there, but that you also have needs, and that you deserve to be a part of his life if he still wants a relationship with you. In fact, I might even go so far as to tell him that you're wondering if he still wants this relationship, and that you want to know the truth so you can either put your heart and soul into the relationship, or move on.

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'I want to be with you I want a relationship I love you an I'm sorry we haven't been able to see or talk much'

=)
Thank you for being such a great help. I hope things between my boyfriend and I are back to normal soon, but I feel much better about where we stand now after following your advice. =)

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Originally Posted by kissiscosmic

'I want to be with you I want a relationship I love you an I'm sorry we haven't been able to see or talk much'

=)
Thank you for being such a great help. I hope things between my boyfriend and I are back to normal soon, but I feel much better about where we stand now after following your advice. =)

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I'm so glad. I hope it all works out. Keep me posted, I'll be wondering about the both of you, and so often people don't come back to tell us how everything worked out.

Also, there are a lot of questions you could answer on this site. That's how this site works. We all volunteer here, we do this because we want to, and most of us came here with a question of our own and stuck around to pay it forward. So why not take a look at some of the questions being asked and see if you can offer some advice?

We also have chat forums where we just goof around. If you're interested in that, come on in, we love meeting new people. :)

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My bf and i have been dating for a bit over a month and he has been really neglectful lately... We used to text and talk on the phone all the time, but lately it's not at all like that.

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Do you two have some kind of verbal agreement defining this little over a month dating thing? Maybe he sees this as just dating casually when he has time. Personally, I think its way to soon for promises, and trying to change some one. Either way, his words and actions are not adding up, after a month(?), and while he may indeed be overwhelmed right now, I still think you are way to deep into this fellow at such a short time.

I think you back up a bit until you can talk this out, and air some feelings and get on the same page. This seems more high expectations and poor communications. I seriously doubt you know each other that well in a month.

You both may have different ideas about what a relationship is about. For sure its to early to push too hard, but just decency would mean he be in touch at least sometimes. Just my own opinion.