Ok so... I been married for 20 years. We have a somewhat good,normal,well comunicated relationship and not to say a great sex life from my perspective that is.troughout the years I went along with him watching porn having playboy magazine collections, pictures,naked girls fwds texts,etc. At this time it's the porn hub in his phone But I think he's over doing it. Now its hurting me and our sexlife(I think)i asked him in many ways if he would stop an why.but he won't.its making me go crazy thinking weird stuff like(wat goes tru his head when he sees our daughters,or like is he turning bi?or is he tired of the looks of my naked body? Making me insecure really messing up myself esteem.is it normal for me to feel like this?do I need counseling ?or am I exaggerating?or is it him with the problem and I need to try and get help for him? Will he ever stop?plizzz help 8(

Like anything in life, porn can be used as an addiction or an escape -... it's hard to tell sometimes because this is an emotionally charged issue for many women who think ANY porn is too much. But this is the fact: for most guys porn is not the emotional thing deeply connected to their sexuality than women think it is. It's just a turn on... and accessory to masturbation (all normal and healthy). Most guys have the proverbial "Playboy" stash/porn hub. You shouldn't assume that he is sexualising your children - where ever did you get that idea? (you may be the one who needs to deal with sexual issues/thoughts if that's the first place your mind goes to) neither should you assume he doesn't like your naked body. I bet yourself esteem (which sounds like it's not the strongest) DOES impact the attraction you two have to each other though... and your level of trust in him needs some work too.

If you think it's attracting to your hubby to obsess about his porn, feel bad about yourself, your body and insecure about your connection to him... it's not. That alone could be causing problems with your sex life.
But don't blame yourself or form more layers of guilt or low self esteem -- just keep focusing on your relationship with hubby and not the porn!

Good luck.

Ps. Porn addiction is apparent when it gets in the way of regular life... cutting into work time, not doing what needs to be done, intimacy with others, or constant (replacing real sex) -- then you have to work with someone (a counselor) to work w/ addiction patterns.

Didn't expect this kind of answer.but have to admit your right and it was helpful.but still questioning if he knows how much it hurts me and knows this is causing our sexlife to change. WHY Won't OR CAN'T HE STOP?

I think your THOUGHTS are what is causing your sex life to change. Unless he's in the throes of a real addiction then his porn use doesn't have anything to do with you and how much he loves you or is attracted to you ---so how much your "hurting" won't make sense to him. That's not his responsibility to deal with your hurt feelings. Those are your beliefs and thoughts to deal with on your own. He won't stop because most guys find this pleasurable! Have you ever looked at sexy men on TV or in books or read a trashy novel? Human beings get aroused by their imaginations. You have imagined sexual scenes too. That's reality and it's healthy and normal.

I recently spoke to a woman who lost her husband (he died) who said, "I wish I would have spent more time loving my husband and less time worrying about things that don't matter."

Take it to heart.

I wouldn't be concerned truth be told.

One of the double edge swords of the modern world is porn. It is more prolific and easier to get a hold of but it is also becoming part and parcel to the modern world. It is becoming ever present. When you were growing up Porn was a nudie magazine hidden between your mattresses, or that low quality titty video that was stashed away in the closest. Now you can usually access it quickly and efficiently through the internet.

So it is easier to get and easier to get caught viewing it. The one thing I can almost guarantee you is that your husbands thoughts and ideas haven't changed in the last 20+ years.

The male mind is a simple thing. We like looking at naked women. We are also curious. Take me, a 31 year old male, for example. I have a expansive digital porn collection. From amateur, to barely legal, to BBW, to midget, to hairy, to 'regular', to interracial, to large insertions, to asian, to... well you get the idea. It doesn't mean that we're sexualizing our children or turning Bi.

Porn for us is just a seed of fantasy. Kind of like a romantic comedy for you, or a trashy romance novel. It is mostly harmless unless the trend of what he is looking at is concerning. What would be concerning is child porn or bestiality, or what not.

The really important thing to be away of here is that it isn't a reflection upon you. He isn't dissatisfied with you. You had said that you have a great sex life from your perspective. He loves you. This is just his way of scratching an itch. He isn't trying to tell you that you're not measuring up.

Point of order, people don't turn Bi. They discover bisexual tendencies. Sexuality is a spectrum not a specific set and defined steps.

To answer the questions:
1) It is normal to feel like that, it is the fear that you might not be enough for him. You are. This shouldn't concern you, it is something you need to deal with about yourself.
2). You don't need counseling.
3). You are exaggerating.
4). He doesn't have a problem. He is a man, and he is acting like one. He doesn't need any help.
5). He won't stop. The more you try the more sneaky he will be about it and he might start resenting you for it.

The best thing for you to do is reflect about the last few years and see if there is ANYTHING that pops up a red flag. Has his attention for you dropped? Sex become less frequent? Stuff like that. I think you will find that everything has been constant. I think though a "You can look at this and what not but I don't want to know about it." rule is also perfectly reasonable.

I hope that helped.

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Originally Posted by judi74

Didn't expect this kind of answer.but have to admit your right and it was helpful.but still questioning if he knows how much it hurts me and knows this is causing our sexlife to change. WHY WONT OR CAN'T HE STOP?

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Chances are his doesn't. As whisper said, it is your thoughts about this that are changing things. If you look at how he acts and reacts to you, you will see that it has had no effect on his feelings towards you.

Why won't he stop? Why should he? Chances are he is just having a personal moment when he can take care of himself. Kind of like how you like to have a warm relaxing bath.

Exactly... its his personal space... and his guy stuff, its really no different than girl stuff is for you... Guys thought processes aren't the same as women's are... we aren't nearly as fickle about everything... and you have to understand everything isn't about you.

Meaning just because we like to see beautiful women... doesn't mean we have to like you less. Its not a zero sum gain proposition. In fact on thinks like this... 1 +1 can = 3. meaning not being hassled over harmless browsing... can mean in increase in amorous feelings... conversely... start hassling him over looking at any of the other 3.3 Billion females... and resentment will squash those feelings mighty quick. If he really was that tired of you... he could walk right out the door and not come back. Fact is he hasn't tells you a lot.

Yea I get it! Men do need their personal space like us women do. But to a certain limit.yes I'm sure all men like to see beautiful women.I understand.but I guess it depends on how us wife's want to be respected.it makes me think this way now caus I did the same.I left pictures of penis on my fone I had porn hub pages open and OMG he went phyco.and the first thing he said" what kind of respect is that for me"sooo what's the difference? And I don't feel his tired of me.like u said.by him doing it just drops my selfesteem TE=smoothy;3171302]Exactly... its his personal space... and his guy stuff, its really no different than girl stuff is for you... Guys thought processes aren't the same as women's are... we aren't nearly as fickle about everything... and you have to understand everything isn't about you.

Meaning just because we like to see beautiful women... doesn't mean we have to like you less. Its not a zero sum gain proposition. In fact on thinks like this... 1 +1 can = 3. meaning not being hassled over harmless browsing... can mean in increase in amorous feelings... conversely... start hassling him over looking at any of the other 3.3 Billion females... and resentment will squash those feelings mighty quick. If he really was that tired of you... he could walk right out the door and not come back. Fact is he hasn't tells you a lot.[/QUOTE]

Yeah - it runs both ways -- he can't control YOUR porn either! --- It's none of his business how many penis pictures you have on your phone... unless it's his and you're emailing it to all your friends ;)...

Otherwise... it doesn't mean any harm and you don't love him any less because you've seen other bodies or cute guys in movies, right? So it doesn't take away from you when he's seen those things or spent his time alone.

Problem is he is an adult.. as are you... that means neither of you are subservient to the other.(assuming you aren't in a certain part of the world that apparently doesn't hold true).. you don't get to demand how he WILL respect you. And neither does he. Sorry, respect doesn't work like that... It might in the Workplace... not in the outside world.

Why don't I believe you actually had that stuff on your phone? And that he didn't really react like that... in the chance it really happened, and wasn't hypothetical... then he was clearly wrong doing it. Plain and simple.

Yourself esteem is an issue you need to get counseling to resolve... making everyone else jump through hoops so you can avoid it isn't doing anyone any good. Because until you do... its ALWAYS going to be a problem... even long after he's gone if that ever happens for whatever reason( like nobody lives forever in one scenario).

I'd say the same thing if he was the one that needed constant propping up to feel good about himself too. As adults we are all ultimately responsible for ourselves.