Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants a break, but doesn't want us to see other people.

Soo... where to begin.

I love this girl to death. We've been dating for the past 2.5 years and we've had so much fun. We relate on many levels, our need to be ridiculously silly (I mean truly bonkers), we love gaming (we played WoW together for a very long time), we're both very empathetic towards animals... our physical love life is pretty damn good.

Everything seemed so perfect anyway. I could go on all day about the things we've been through together... I recently graduated from my university and I'm finally home for good (even got some job offers). But I guess in my excitedment I started hanging out with my friends much more than her. I mean... long story short, I found out very early in our relationship that she didn't graduate from high school. I basically put our relationship on the line to get her to take her GED test and get a career going for her. She holds that against me somewhat (though she has thanked me for what I did). And now she's in school 4 days a week, about a 30-40 minute commute, and she's busier than ever. Which, inevitably contributed to me not seeing her as much.

Next in line in the problems she's expressed (meaning I have no problem with her not having money, because apparently slapshot likes assuming the worst) is her lack of money, her potential medical issues and expenses, she just switched jobs again because she loathed her former. So she's basically broke... she won't accept money from me because she "wants to do things on her own." I never wanted her to become independent to the point where she... doesn't want to depend on me at all.

And on top of this all, she has no friends. I am really one of her only true friends (that I know of). She has stated that to me. She wants to go out more than we are used to, or rather, just her... She wants so much to happen without me that it's kind of scary. When we finally had a discussion about things (I'm leaving out minor details), she said she needed a break from me. But she didn't want me to leave her, or go date other people. Nor is she interested in doing so with guys. She even admitted that she feels less passionate about things... yet she still has feelings for me. I feel like I neglected her for a bit... but does that mean I deserve to be pushed to the side after all we've been through? I feel like I've been kicked to the curb.

I've tried no contact with her, and I can't let go. The most I've gone so far is 4 days without speaking to her, but... it's so hard. Now she was mad at me because I went over her house during a school night drunk (I rarely ever drink.. so it just amplified my depression) and just asked her why she was mentally torturing me. I'm in limbo, and I hate it. I have no idea what's going on. Waiting for an answer to all of this is killing me. I want closure, or hope... and I have neither right now.

This is a tough one but here's what I can tell you...

Usually when they ask for a break or space, you can consider it is over at that point. The break is most often used for one of 2 things. The first thing is that they want to see someone else but want to keep you hanging in case it doesn't work out for them. The other thing is that they want to break up with you and this is their way of doing it.

Now this situation may be different. It is odd that she said she doesn't want either of you to see anyone else but it's possible she's saying that to keep you hanging on so you don't find anyone while she's playing. Who knows for sure really.

Now you need to look at it from your point of view. What does a break mean to you as far as she's concerned? How long? She doesn't know and neither do you. What is the reason she gave for the break? You have to think about this for yourself. Are you willing to hang on and wait for her in hopes that you two will get back together? Do you think it will happen? If not, you're wasting your time just sitting around waiting on her.

If I was in this situation, I would tell her we need to talk. I would get it all out in the open and if I wasn't satisfied with how the conversation went, I would tell her that she doesn't need a break, I do. Then I would tell her she can have all the time she needs as my break is going to be a long one since I will be finding someone else.

Do you even like this girl? You lambasted her in your post.

"Her lack of education is unacceptable. It had to be changed."

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Originally Posted by Jab272

I found out very early in our relationship that she didn't graduate from high school. I basically put our relationship on the line to get her to take her GED test and get a career going for her.

"She is terrible with finances."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jab272

Next in line in the problems is her lack of money, her potential medical issues and expenses.

"No one likes her."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jab272

And on top of this all, she has no friends.

"I want to keep her in my pocket; she's my dog on a leash."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jab272

I never wanted her to become independent to the point where she... doesn't want to depend on me at all.

"I deserve better treatment after all I did for her."

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jab272

...but does that mean I deserve to be pushed to the side after all we've been through? I feel like I've been kicked to the curb.

You have zero respect for this girl and you nearly sabotaged it in the beginning by forcing her to get a GED because you valued it more than she did; it was for your best interest, not hers.

These complaints you hold against her certainly manifested themselves in your relationship and became evident to your girlfriend over the course of 2.5 years. I'm confident she knows that you don't respect her.

Don't bother talking to her about reconciliation. This relationship is over and she's not coming back.

The only thing you should take away from this is to only consider dating women you actually respect.

You could have saved yourself a lot of confusion by asking simple questions, like what kind of a break, how long, and why?

Then you would have an idea of what YOU should do depending on her answers. But she doesn't want you dating because she won't. I would NEVER go along with that though, and would have told her so.

I don't ever think they have freedom to take a break, and make a rule that you put your life on hold while they are free to explore, and experiment on there own, and while not looking for someone, they may find them. While you wait. No way that's a great idea.

When they ask for a break pin them down, and reserve the right for yourself to do your thing, and not wait like a fool while she makes YOU a priority, instead of an option.

I don't know where her head is at, but you have to accept her feelings have changed and so what's right for YOU!!

I would tell her that a break is a break up, and unless she is willing to talk about it, you have no choice but to give her all the break she wants, NO strings attached, and get your own life in order without her.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst, but take care of your own interests. That's the chance we all take when we want a break, and that includes her too!

You can be depressed, and drink yourself stupid, or handle your business no matter what she does.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

"She is terrible with finances."

Holy hell, you're totally misinterpreting what I said. She doesn't have any money, or a job right now. And I'm totally open to any job she gets... and I totally will support her as much as I'm allowed to.

In fact, before I even go on, I can tell you're just a bitter person. I love my girl to death, and I've always told her that no matter what happens to the both of us I'll support her.

So you sir, may kindliest screw off :]

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"No one likes her."

Never said that either. All her friends from the past no longer speak to her even in her attempts to reach out to them. She has stated herself that she does not have any friends.

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"I want to keep her in my pocket; she's my dog on a leash."

What are you talking about? I never ever felt that she should restrict herself, she is an individual with goals now, and I respect that.

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"I deserve better treatment after all I did for her."

Of course I feel I should be treated a bit better. Out of all the things we've been through, and all the fun we've had together. The pushing of her going back to school is something she took part in. I feel the only mistake I made was the way I went about pushing her back, even though I did wait quite some time.

Quote:

You have zero respect for this girl and you nearly sabotaged it in the beginning by forcing her to get a GED because you valued it more than she did; it was for your best interest, not hers.

Tell me how something that she was considering doing herself, is not an interest of hers? She was embarrassed that she didn't pass high school, and I pushed her back to take the exam.. which she passed with flying colors.

Quote:

These complaints you hold against her certainly manifested themselves in your relationship and became evident to your girlfriend over the course of 2.5 years. I'm confident she knows that you don't respect her.

These aren't complaints of mine, these are complaints OF HERS. She wants to go out and make friends herself. Which is great. She wants to continue school and do well. She wants to start making money. And I most certainly DON'T want to keep her in my pocket. I have no idea how you came up with that.

I feel bad in the way that I pushed her back into school. My objective was to simply create confidence and independence in her so she could find a job that actually makes money and creates happiness for herself. She said herself that she was considering going back for the longest time, and I motivated her the best I could. I know I shouldn't have put the relationship on the line for her to get a GED.

Instead of being super aggressive in a post like a jackass, maybe you could actually post something helpful. I know I've made mistakes. That's OK, because we're all human. I'm just unsure of the course of action I should take. Many of her problems are not problems that I have ever voiced concern about, she has brought this up on her own accord.

You sound mad, angry, and sour about something. I can't quite put my finger on it.

Anyway, the perspectives I've seen from the other people are what I've heard before... but she has constantly reiterated to me that she still has feelings for me and she doesn't want me to disappear.. it feels like a gamble to just let go of her because "she might be looking for someone else."

It's just very hard for me to ever think of letting her go. She is the love of my life right now.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jab272

It's just very hard for me to ever think of letting her go. She is the love of my life right now.

And it is because of this that your life will likely become an emotional hell.

Good luck to you.

I agree, if you go a month with no contact what so ever, it will be easier just not to contact.

If you go to no contact explain your rules to her, you will date if you want to, what she does is her business since you are no a break, and have no reason to follow her rules.

The lady wants to sink or swim on her own, let her. That's her goal, and you try anything to keep her, that's your goal, and right now your goals are in conflict. So since you cannot let go, because you are afraid, then just do what she says, and sit and wait for her to get her act together, and put your life on hold.

Someday she will either get it together and be ready for what you want, or some other dufus will swoop in and take her from you. What's so hard about letting her run the whole show, while you stand back and let her??

Just do as she tells you to do because she obviously knows best.

Let me know how that works out for you! Good luck.

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Originally Posted by Jab272

And I most certainly DON'T want to keep her in my pocket. I have no idea how you came up with that.

Are you serious bro?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jab272

I never wanted her to become independent to the point where she... doesn't want to depend on me at all.

You clearly said that you want her dependent on you... you don't see that as disrespectful, condescending and selfish? This is the second time I've pointed this out... bro.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jab272

Tell me how something that she was considering doing herself, is not an interest of hers? She was embarrassed that she didn't pass high school...

Gladly! If she truly wanted her GED, then why did she need you to push her? When I want do something, I do it, I don't need coxing unless I don't actually want to do what I said I'll do. It's not just me, everyone does this from time to time.

Because she was embarrassed she didn't finish high school, I get the impression that she told you she wanted a GED only to appease you, not because she actually wanted a GED; in other words it was peer pressure. Then, you took control and "pushed her back into school" which put your "relationship on the line". If she actually wanted a GED in the time in which she got it, the situation would not have culminated to a near-breakup. In fact, it would have been just the opposite. Hence I say you did this with your interest in mind, not hers. Also, because this happened in the beginning of the relationship, this likely set the (dark) tone for the years to come, which climaxed on the day she said she wants a break. Understand?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jab272

Of course I feel I should be treated a bit better. Out of all the things we've been through, and all the fun we've had together. The pushing of her going back to school is something she took part in.

Bro she doesn't owe you anything "even after all you've been through". She'll treat you how she wants to and that's that. Human Nature 101. The only power you have is to refuse said treatment and stop talking to her. That's the "action you should take".

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jab272

Instead of being super aggressive in a post like a jackass, maybe you could actually post something helpful.

I did post helpful information bro. I clearly pointed out how you, in a seemingly unconscious manner, lambasted the woman you purportedly love so that you can begin to understand why she's leaving. Understanding why the relationship ended is the path to closure, showing up to her house drunk and asking "why are you mentally torturing me?" is not. You failed to see what I did for you, bro.

Good luck dude, you definitely need it.