We've been broken up for a few weeks but decided to live in the same place due to me being a stay at home father. I wanted to move out, but after thinking it over this would be the best our two boys. I also take care of their little cousin during the weekdays as well. The boys are still young 3 and 5 years old. It was kind of a mutual break up but I would have to say it was more of that she wanted this. She is already dating and it is really taking a toll on me.

We've talked about it on many occasions and want to try to remain friends. She says she wants us to show the boys that we can still be a family without us having to part ways. I want to be friends with her, I'm really, really trying. It just hurts so much when I see her leaving to go out and all that stuff. She says if I was the same person as I was when we were first together none of this would be happening.

I'll admit I do still love her and she says the same about me, which I can't see it just by her actions. I mean I can't sit around and let wait forever so I've started to talk to people as well. She talks so differently to me now. For example, she calls me to ask if I took the keys by mistake which I did and I said I would turn around and drop it off and that turned out to be an argument, over "Keys" Really?. I am so lost right now. One minute we talk as like we're good friends the next she gets so snappy.

I don't understand her at all. If she says she wants me to be happy and find the person for me why all the animosity? I do not give her attitude about anything she does, and if I feel like I will, I get up and leave. What should I do? Give up hope? Keep trying? Any suggestions would be appreciated, I really don't know how to handle this.

Advice Please... Thank you.

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Originally Posted by Petz888

We've been broken up for a few weeks but decided to live in the same place due to having me being a stay at home father. I wanted to move out, but after thinking it over this would be the best our two boys. I also take care of their little cousin during the weekdays as well. The boys are still young 3 and 5 years old. It was kind of a mutual break up but I would have to say it was more of that she wanted this. She is already dating and it is really taking a toll on me. We've talked about it on many occasions and want to try to remain friends. She say's she wants us to show the boys that we can still be a family without us having to part ways. I want to be friends with her, I'm really, really trying. It just hurts so much when I see her leaving to go out and all that stuff. She says if I was the same person as I was when we were first together none of this would be happening. I'll admit I do still love her and she says the same about me, which I can't see it just by her actions. I mean I can't sit around and let wait forever so I've started to talk to people as well. She talks so differently to me now. For example, she calls me to ask if I took the keys by mistake which I did and I said I would turn around and drop it off and that turned out to be an argument, over "Keys" Really?..I am so lost right now. One minute we talk as like we're good friends the next she gets so snappy. I don't understand her at all. If she says she wants me to be happy and find the person for me why all the animosity? I do not give her attitude about anything she does, and if I feel like I will, I get up and leave. What should I do? Give up hope? Keep trying? any suggestions would be appreciated, I really don't know how to handle this. Advice Please.....Thank you.

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Get you head out of the clouds, and stop listening to her. She is no longer in love with you, she may love you, but she is not in love with you. From a woman's view of this, she's using you, probably as a babysitter, even though you're the father and probably financially.

No one who is in love with another person, and says, "they want it to work," would be doing what she is doing. Her animosity is coming from, your just being around her, her actions toward you are all acting, when it comes to her wanting to be involved with you romantically again. I think it is time to move on.

I could be wrong, but I'm sure I'm not. I'd need more information to come to a clear conclusion. You ever heard that phrase, "He's just not into you?" Well, in your case, "She is just not into you anymore. A person who is love with someone, doesn't have a desire, or would go out and date others.

She's playing you.

I'm going to take a totally practical approach: you stay home, so does that mean she works and brings home the bacon? Is the house clean, the shopping done, dinner on the table, the kids clean and the laundry done? Or does she do half of that too, and you, like many men, are oblivious to all that needs to be done. I'm not accusing! Just asking. And what about work when the kids are older? Are you in school, or doing computer consulting, or what, to prepare for your financial future.
Money is the # 1 problem couples report in surveys.

Yes, who works, who does what duties, and most likely she was "dating" before the break up.
So how do you explain mommie has too husbands, or it is OK for mommy and daddy to still be married and mommy can have a boyfriend.

Kids know more what is happening, and breaking up and moving out is not always the wrong thing

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I'm going to take a totally practical approach: you stay home, so does that mean she works and brings home the bacon? Is the house clean, the shopping done, dinner on the table, the kids clean and the laundry done? Or does she do half of that too, and you, like many men, are oblivious to all that needs to be done. I'm not accusing! Just asking. And what about work when the kids are older? Are you in school, or doing computer consulting, or what, to prepare for your financial future.
Money is the # 1 problem couples report in surveys.

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Yes she works and brings home the bacon. I also take care of her niece and get paid for that and I also sell items on Ebay. And on the weekends I do occasionally work as a contractor when I can find the work. The house is definitely clean, kids fed, I do most of the shopping and of course laundry. It seems like it's more of a partnership right now than anything else.

I've been thinking about my future lately and I am in the contracting business but work as you know by this economy is really slow. I think I should go back to school, maybe an online one for now. My oldest is starting school in September for half days but my youngest is a couple of years from that so looking for a job wouldn't work just due to day care cost...

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Yes, who works, who does what duties, and most likely she was "dating" before the break up.
so how do you explain mommie has too husbands, or it is ok for mommy and daddy to still be married and mommy can have a boyfriend.

Kids know more what is happening, and breaking up and moving out is not always the wrong thing

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Well as of now I think the kids do know kind of what's going on. We try to do a lot of family activities together and I am still very close with her family. They treat me like family and I really don't want that to change but I'm not going to lie that I'm all right with everything that is going on but I think I'm handling it the best I can. I wish things were different but they're not. I guess I'm really here just venting more than anything else maybe advice on how to get over this. I know time heals all wounds but I've never gone through anything like this.

Thank you so much everyone for time.

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Originally Posted by Mariansc1234

Get you head out of the clouds, and stop listening to her. She is no longer in love with you, she may love you, but she is not in love with you. From a woman's view of this, she's using you, probably as a babysitter, even though your the father and probably financially.

No one who is in love with another person, and says, "they want it to work," would be doing what she is doing. Her animosity is coming from, your just being around her, her actions toward you are all acting, when it comes to her wanting to be involved with you romantically again. I think it is time to move on.

I could be wrong, but I'm sure I'm not. I'd need more information to come to a clear conclusion. You ever heard that phrase, "He's just not into you?" Well, in your case, "She is just not into you anymore.? A person who is love with someone, doesn't have a desire, or would go out and date others.

She's playing you.

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You know what that's what actually is going on in my head. But is it worth changing the kid's lifestyle on account of my feelings about the situation. I grown and I should be able to handle this and not making it harder on the kids. I have a place to go if I do decide to leave but as of now I don't think that would be the right thing to do. Thank you for your reply and I will see how things go...

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Originally Posted by Petz888

You know what that's what actually is going on in my head. But is it worth changing the kid's lifestyle on account of my feelings about the situation. I grown and I should be able to handle this and not making it harder on the kids. I have a place to go if I do decide to leave but as of now I don't think that would be the right thing to do. Thank you for your reply and I will see how things go...

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As long as it is, not wearing you down mentally, to were it affects you and your children, family friends relationships, then stay... I guess. Being financially strapped is hard on anyone, especially, when they need or want to start over. Your going to have to accept the fact, that your ex is moving on, in her own little way.

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Originally Posted by Mariansc1234

As long as it is, not wearing you down mentally, to were it affects you and your children, family friends relationships, then stay...I guess. Being financially strapped is hard on anyone, especially, when they need or want to start over. Your going to have to accept the fact, that your ex is moving on, in her own little way.

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Yes ty so much for your reply... I guess that's what I needed to hear. I don't or will not let this get in the way of my relationship with my children. Time to move on. I'll take baby steps to reach my goal of letting go. Again I want to thank you. Talking about this really helps.

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Originally Posted by Petz888

Yes ty so much for your reply...I guess that's what I needed to hear. I don't or will not let this get in the way of my relationship with my children. Time to move on. I'll take baby steps to reach my goal of letting go. Again I want to thank you. Talking about this really helps.

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Your more than welcome, sometimes we just need to discuss it, to get a clearer perspective... I wish you all the best.

I don't get why you are staying, as kids know when adults are lying by how they interact, and you may be friendly in front of them, but they will get there is no love eventually.

But for now, get out of the house and get a life guy, it will give you a better perspective as you look for a job. You never said what sparked this so called separation, but she can baby sit as well as you can can't she?

Im no expert by all means but while reading about your situation I keep thinking that she is using you to take care of everything there at home. But I feel that just maybe what might have happened is that she has lost her respect for you and just maybe you have lost yourself respect too. I honestly don't think that it would be a good choice to stay living together. No offense but if I were you and my wife or husband was dating already after a few weeks I would be mad and hurt. I wouldn't be able to just sit there and watch it happen. For your sanety it might be a good idea to move out, if you are financially capable of it. At some point in time you will have to part ways anyway, for your sake it should be as soon as possible. Then I would highly suggest counseling for you. It doesn't sound like you have a lot of self respect or believe in your capabilities. You have to be happy with yourself.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I don't get why you are staying, as kids know when adults are lying by how they interact, and you may be friendly in front of them, but they will get there is no love eventually.

But for now, get out of the house and get a life guy, it will give you a better perspective as you look for a job. You never said what sparked this so called separation, but she can baby sit as well as you can can't she?

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Ok here is a little bit about the background of our separation... We were talking about splitting up over a year ago, and this was due to how we were around each other. But we decided to give it another try not only for the children but also for us as well cause we weren't unhappy but the happiness we both wanted wasn't there. As you can see that did not go well. Granted we never fought or had major arguments but something was just missing. I think we both just changed and became more of roommates with kids more than anything else. We just didn't talk as much anymore, I guess when I became a "stay at home father" I just felt so useless not providing for my family and that really took a toll. The stress from the kids, bills and just life changed me as a person but I'm not going to put all the blame on myself... Of course her going to work she's going to meet co workers and make new friends. I wasn't jealous or anything but she also changed. I guess we grew apart. And this is where we have ended up. We don't fight at all, we talk a lot more now than we did the past few months and work well together when it comes to the kids. I mean it hurts to see her already dating but what can I do about that. I'm not going to hold her back and say you can date when I find myself someone to date. We aren't together, I mean it seems disrespectful but I can't hate her for it as it was both that agreed to this arrangement.

You know what I just realized I just answered my own questions from my original post. I just have to deal with it and move on. Moving out is probably not going to happen soon though. You may think that I am just trying to hold on to something that isn't there but it's just more complicated. I'm sure the kids kind of know what's happening but I would say they would be happier having both of us in the same household rather than going back and forth. As long as set up some boundaries and not get into arguments, we should be good in the mean time.

Well talking to people on here and reading the replies really has helped me with how to deal with this situation and thank everyone for their time.

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Originally Posted by Petz888

Ok here is a little bit about the background of our separation...We were talking about splitting up over a year ago, and this was due to how we were# around each other. But we decided to give it another try not only for the children but also for us as well cause we weren't unhappy but the happiness we both wanted wasn't there. As you can see that did not go well. Granted we never fought or had major arguments but something was just missing. I think we both just changed and became more of roommates with kids more than anything else. We just didn't talk as much anymore, I guess when I became a "stay at home father" I just felt so useless not providing for my family and that really took a toll. The stress from the kids, bills and just life changed me as a person but I'm not gonna put all the blame on myself...Of course her going to work she's gonna meet co workers and make new friends. I wasn't jealous or anything but she also changed. I guess we grew apart. And this is where we have ended up. We don't fight at all, we talk a lot more now than we did the past few months and work well together when it comes to the kids. I mean it hurts to see her already dating but what can I do about that. I'm not gonna hold her back and say you can date when I find myself someone to date. We aren't together, I mean it seems disrespectful but I can't hate her for it as it was both that agreed to this arrangement.

You know what I just realized I just answered my own questions from my original post. I just have to deal with it and move on. Moving out is probably not going to happen soon though. You may think that I am just trying to hold on to something that isn't there but it's just more complicated. I'm sure the kids kinda know what's happening but I would say they would be happier having both of us in the same household rather than going back and forth. As long as set up some boundaries and not get into arguments, we should be good in the mean time.

Well talking to people on here and reading the replies really has helped me with how to deal with this situation and thank everyone for their time.

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I would just like for you to remember one thing. You will not be able to live in this type of situation for very long before it wears you down to nothing. I don't know if you plan on having the kids with you or her when you do go separate ways. Your kids are very young. They will get used to it. Kids that age adapt very easily. The longer you wait the harder it will be on them as they get older and start to understand more. Everybody changes and I know exactly where you are coming from when you said you felt useless when you(?) decided to become a stay at home dad.
For now you need to try to get a life, like you were told earlier. But I don't just suggest while you are out looking for a job. If she can go out so can you. It doesn't have to be dating though. Look up old friends, or present friends. Make plans to meet up for a drink. There really is no sense in looking for another woman to date until you are actually ready to move on. Just try to start enjoying single life. You must must must get some self respect, self esteem, and start believing in yourself again.
Kristi