Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend wants time to think?

Sorry for this long story, I am just looking for others input.

My first girlfriend I have ever had (we met when I was 18, she was 19. I am now 22, and she is 23) of 5 years are hitting a rocky spot, and I have never been so scared in my life.
We didn't meet in the normal fashion, in fact we met on World of Warcraft. Our relationship grew here, and eventually we visited for a week out of the game. We had been "together" for about 1/2-1 year before meeting. When I first saw her, words can't explain the feelings that rushed through me. After our visit, we moved in with each other a few months later.

We have been happy together for over 4 years now. She is the love of my life, we have talked about marriage in the past, but she just graduated and I am getting into school, we both have our things we need to get in line first. She has made me feel things I never thought I could. We laugh together, we play together, we do everything together. We rarely ever argue at all. I would be more inclined to call it bickering, and it usually resolves near instantly. I just feel like I have never met someone so perfect for me, we are literally the same person.

She said recently she is feeling smothered. I can understand this, neither of us really do anything away from each other. I told her that there is things she used to do, and people she used to hang out with, that I have wanted her to get back into for some time. I told her I agree we need to find things separate of each other, hobbies and interests, so that we can have our own space.
For instance, she used to paint a lot. She is a fantastic artist, but she has not painted in over 2 years. I have said, even before this event, I have wanted her to get back into art so badly, because I know she loves it.

The part that makes me sad, is that although I understand we need our own things, and our own space, I have never actually felt that. I have loved every single moment I have ever spent with her. To this day, there is nothing that can make me more happy than spending time with her.

I have been feeling depressed lately about a lot of things, and I tried to confide in her for help, and somehow this discussion is what came up. It was not yelling, it was very civil. I was as understanding as I could be, and she left to spend the weekend at her parents last night, saying she would call me at least once a day just to say hi and we could talk for a bit. Even upon getting to her parents, she text me to see if I was OK, and we had a short conversation relating to the topic at hand.

I guess she is second guessing our relationship almost. She is worried we may have moved to fast, and we are with each other so much that we almost don't know how to function apart of each other. She wants to find herself, and I am willing to work with her to figure out what we need to do.

Most of all, I don't want to lose her. She is the most important anything in the world to me, and I only hope that our relationship is strong enough to work through this. I am fully prepared to do anything within my power to save us, because I truly feel that there is nobody else in this world I want to spend the rest of my life with.

How bad does this all sound? I am just so confused and so lost right now. I have spent most of the day pacing my room in tears, because I am so confused at how this all has happened. I feel like she's pulling away, and I'm doing anything I can to try to give her space that she will reel back in. I am just so scared and really unsure what to do next.

I won't lie, usually when one needs space in a relationship it's because they are not meant for one another or they're losing the spark. You should not feel smothered in a relationship no matter how much time you spend together.

"Smothered", "I have to find myself" and "I need space" are common phrases used to tell someone you're losing the flame. Seems to me like you both used up all the wood too quickly, and now there's nothing left, but the fire, to slowly fade away.

This seems like the end of the road, I would start by expecting not to return to the relationship. Prepare yourself to move on if you need to. The longer you hold on, the harder you fall at this point.

Well, its obviously a scary thought, but I definitely haven't "used up the wood". I love her the same as the day I met her, and my feelings have never changed, but it takes two, and I know I can't do this alone. She said she would keep in contact this weekend, and she said she was returning Monday afternoon. I'm scared, everything in my mind is doomsday scenarios, but after all this I am hoping that we can fix this. I appreciate the responses, too. Thank you

Quote:

Originally Posted by Knoxpwns

I definitely haven't "used up the wood".

There's two people in your relationship my friend.

It’s clear that your girlfriend is very important to you and that saving your relationship is your main concern right now. In this regard, your girlfriend is lucky to have you. But here’s something, from a girl’s perspective, that you have to keep in mind: she wants some time apart. She feels smothered by you, you said it yourself. If you want to save your relationship, and you clearly do, you HAVE to give her the space she needs.

Here’s the thing with girls (and really, all people): we tend to want what we can’t have and to not want what is readily, instantly, constantly available. This translates pretty easily into principles that you can apply to fixing your relationship. If you seem too clingy, your girlfriend will be turned off by you. Trust me. My ex-boyfriend would give you the same advice.

But if you give her the space she wants and needs, and live your life happily and independently in the interim, she will begin to see you as valuable and “in-demand” again. Don’t be desperate. Nobody is attracted to someone who’s desperate. Would you be into a girl who constantly follows you around, begging you to spend time with her? I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but that’s the way your girlfriend may see it, especially since she says she wants space.

I don’t doubt that your girlfriend loves you. You’ve been together for years and you obviously have quite a bit of history. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t drive her away. Be smart. Don’t do what your instincts are telling you to do, which is to call constantly, check on her constantly, stalk her Facebook profile. PLAY IT COOL. Tell yourself that you don’t need her, that you want her around, but if she’s not, you’ll still live a great, full, wonderful life.

Best of luck,
Anne
Www.truedoowords.com

I'm confused. Do you and your girlfriend have a long distance relationship? I read that you met her for a week, but was that the only time you actually met her? Were you living together?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Knoxpwns

I have been feeling depressed lately about a lot of things, and I tried to confide in her for help, and somehow this discussion is what came up.

That makes sense why she would say she is smothered. You need to learn to be self-sufficient, even in a relationship.

In short, her asking for space is her saying "I want to break up with you but don't want to hurt you". What you ought to do is to make it clear that you two need to break up and go your separate ways.

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

Were you living together?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Knoxpwns

After our visit, we moved in with each other a few months later

Got to read a bit closer, and not so fast :P

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

I'm confused. Do you and your girlfriend have a long distance relationship? I read that you met her for a week, but was that the only time you actually met her? Were you living together?

That makes sense why she would say she is smothered. You need to learn to be self-sufficient, even in a relationship.

In short, her asking for space is her saying "I want to break up with you but don't want to hurt you". What you ought to do is to make it clear that you two need to break up and go your separate ways.

Yes we have lived together for 4 years. The 1 week was a point where we met to see how we were together (which was perfectly) and a few months after that, we decided to move in with each other, me moving 14 hours away to live in her home town.

Yes, I have been depressed, but she is a Psychologist. She has dealt with depression herself, and understands more than well what I am dealing with. Asking her for help in that regard I personally don't feel to be clingy. I am in a about of sadness about things in my life, who else should I go to than the person I love most, who I felt loved me most? If she is ever feeling down, I would do anything in my power to make her feel better, and I always thought relationships were a 2 way street. This is out of nowhere.

I understand there is this societal standard that because I am a man, I am supposed to be macho, hide my feelings, and not care. That is not who I am.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Knoxpwns

Yes we have lived together for 4 years. The 1 week was a point where we met to see how we were together (which was perfectly) and a few months after that, we decided to move in with each other, me moving 14 hours away to live in her home town.

Yes, I have been depressed, but she is a Psychologist. she has dealt with depression herself, and understands more than well what I am dealing with. Asking her for help in that regard I personally don't feel to be clingy. I am in a bout of sadness about things in my life, who else should I go to than the person I love most, who I felt loved me most? If she is ever feeling down, I would do anything in my power to make her feel better, and I always thought relationships were a 2 way street. This is out of nowhere.

I understand there is this societal standard that because I am a man, I am supposed to be macho, hide my feelings, and not care. That is not who I am.

They are a two way street. Ever wonder if she really enjoys being dug down by you? Seems to me like you get upset a lot and you just threw her in the passenger seat of your sadness and drove her away.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Knoxpwns

Yes, I have been depressed, but she is a Psychologist... I am in a bout of sadness about things in my life, who else should I go to than the person I love most, who I felt loved me most?

She's your girlfriend, not your therapist. As a boyfriend, your first thought should be "I need to remedy my problems myself", not "my girlfriend will fix it all for me". That's selfish.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Knoxpwns

I understand there is this societal standard that because I am a man, I am supposed to be macho, hide my feelings, and not care. That is not who I am.

By saying you need to be self-sufficient, I meant that you need to be content with and accepting of yourself in order to sustain a relationship. From what I gather, you are relying on your girlfriend to draw you from your depression. Did you ever stop and think of the amount of pressure that puts on her? Is that really what you consider to be "a two-way street" kind of relationship?

More on this: it is healthy to be open with your girlfriend, but, if your feelings are consistently depressing and angry, it signals to her, "you don't make me happy". Which, raises the question, why are you even with her?

Quote:

Originally Posted by slapshot_oi

She's your girlfriend, not your therapist. As a boyfriend, your first thought should be "I need to remedy my problems myself", not "my girlfriend will fix it all for me". That's selfish.

By saying you need to be self-sufficient, I meant that you need to be content with and accepting of yourself in order to sustain a relationship. From what I gather, you are relying on your girlfriend to draw you from your depression. Did you ever stop and think of the amount of pressure that puts on her? Is that really what you consider to be "a two-way street" kind of relationship?

More on this: it is healthy to be open with your girlfriend, but, if your feelings are consistently depressing and angry, it signals to her, "you don't make me happy". Which, raises the question, why are you even with her?

This depression I speak of has been maybe a week long. It is not like this is an every day thing. Mind you, I am there for her annually an the anniversary of her cousins death. She always feels bad that day, and I am always there to comfort her as she cries in her time of need. I feel like I am being labeled as some horrifying monster because I have been down lately. She knows she makes me happy, considering that when I am down, I tell her why, and tell her that she makes me feel better, and its why I'm going to her. I don't want her to fix my problems, I'd just like to get a moment to spend time with her, and be myself with her.

She went to stay at her parents late Thursday night, and I guess what confuses me is it is now Saturday morning, yet she keeps texting me. She said she needs time to herself, to think about stuff, yet she texts me 1-3 times a day just seeing what I'm up to, or today she sent me a pic of a little bulldog puppy a customer had at her work.
She asks me how I'm doing, and I tell her the truth. I'm scared and confused. I am giving her the space she wanted, yet still contacting me?
I told her I am ready to do whatever it takes to get through this. I feel like that isn't something that needs time to think about. Either you are ready to move on together, or separate. I just want to know what is happening.

For right now she needs a bit of time away, no biggie as this is a great time to deal with your own issue, go see a doctor.

This will give you time to deal with things in a more proper perspective, and not burden her with it.

It sounds like you could benefit from seeing a therapist. Sometimes when someone is dealing with depression, that person's significant other can feel overwhelmed. You may also need to start exercising to get yourself in a good place mentally. This doesn't have to be a huge undertaking, just think of what you enjoy... It could be simply walking or maybe joining a gym. I love the elliptical machine. As someone who suffers from anxiety/depression I know it works almost as well as an anti-depressant. Also, it will take some stress off your girl. She may be feeling like you can't function without her.

I saw a movie once where this guy tells his girlfriend: "I don't want you to be with me because I need you; I want to be the guy you want to be with " I think that makes a lot of sense and it's a super healthy way of looking at things.

You need to ask yourself why you need to be with this girl so much. Is it possible you are a little afraid of losing her? Be honest with yourself. Make it a goal to develop some healthy new friendships with other like-minded people. She will begin to feel relieved that you can leave one another and then get back together and have stories to share!

Good luck! You sound like a very sweet, kind person!

Give her all the time to think while you move on, forget her

Quote:

Originally Posted by Knoxpwns

I feel like that isn't something that needs time to think about... I just want to know what is happening.

You are correct.

I think you know what is happening but won't admit it. A decision was already made; she wants to break up with you. However, she is struggling with the process and that is why instead of just being clear about breaking up, she requested "time to think" and still contacts you daily.

I suggest you make it clear to her that you two are a couple no longer and likewise, should contact each other no longer. Then, block her number.

It's headed that way anyway. It's much better to get over that hurdle as quickly as possible so you can begin to heal.