We've been together for 4 years. She's a beautiful girl. I've been thinking about breaking up for the last couple of months because I don't feel anything for her anymore. What's keeping me from doing it, is that I fear that I will wake up one day and realize that I've made the biggest mistake of my life. She's such a sweet person, she loves me to bits and she's really pretty. I'll probably never find a girl as pretty as her, that's for sure. When she talks about the future it's like it's all about us. Seems like she has no other ambitions in life but to get married and build a family with me, and that deeply bothers me.

For me, getting married and all that is not as important as self-fulfillment and I wish she was more independent, like me. To be frank, I kind of wish she loved me less and her self more. Then I'd feel we were more on equal footing. As of now, I feel suffocated by her obsession with me. But it pains me so much to think of the devastation a break-up would cause her, because I still care for her like we're family and I feel so guilty for not feeling the same way about her.

I don't really understand what's wrong with me, because on the paper she's everything I could ever ask for. We don't really share the same interests or life goals, but we have the same humor and still make each other laugh and such. I should maybe point out that when we started I wasn't really interested in her, I don't know why, but from the point when she told me how she felt I gradually warmed up to the idea, and before long I was madly in love. But now it feels the same again as when we were just friends.

Maybe I shouldn't have started dating someone with whom I had no chemistry to begin with? Why is it that I think I want a girlfriend who is less loving? Will that really make me happier, or will I just realize somewhere down the line that I had this wonderful girl that I should have stuck with? :(

You're in a big rut here, especially if you're running around thinking that you're might want her back later on, because if you have the mindset like that you are going to ruin every relationship you'll have if you both separate, which you will, eventually.

She will eventually feel the loss of love you have for her, unless you are good at faking it. I would suggest talking to her about it, you owe her that much for dragging the relationship on for four years.

One thing you must understand though, is to help you both move on properly and you both will. You need to encourage no contact, make sure you both do not talk, message or see each other in any way shape or form. It will help her heart let go.

Be lucky it took you four years to realize that you don't love her, and go from there. There are many instances, on this site even, that have taken much longer, almost double the time.

Best of luck!

I can tell that you're bewildered by your feelings. Here, you have a girlfriend who is pretty, sweet, and loving. What more could a guy want? And for many guys, that would be plenty. But you seem to be an ambitious person, and you want a spouse that shares that ambition. You want someone by your side who wants more out of life than a husband and kids.

I'm not surprised that her lack of ambition affects your chemistry with her. After all, in order to really be in love with someone, we have to respect them. If you view ambition as an important characteristic and she has none or very little, it will always be somewhat hard for you to respect her. Trust me, this won't change if you get married and start a family. She will probably want to stay at home with the kids, and you will inevitably have an affair with an ambitious and hard-working female co-worker or colleague, wounding her far more than you would if you broke up with her now.

Her lack of ambition is one thing. Her “obsession” with you is another. Again, it's very hard to really be attracted to someone who is obsessed with us. It deflates that person's value as a partner. There's something in our subconscious that asks, “what is wrong with this person, that they are so thrilled to be dating me?” It boils down to the laws of supply and demand: If something is constantly and abundantly available, the demand for that thing goes way down. And again, her obsession with you will probably not change, especially if you get married and have a family. If anything, her obsession and clinginess will probably increase, especially if she stays at home with the kids, because her entire world will revolve around you, rather than around a career or friends or outside interests.

So here's my advice: Get out. Things are not going to get better. Your feelings for her will not improve. I mean, you may experience waves of renewed attraction, since she's pretty and sweet, but you don't have the feelings that can sustain a marriage. It's going to hurt both of you, but people go through breakups every day. Just be glad you began to feel this way before you got married.

I hope this helps you,
Anne
Truedoo Words

No wonder you cannot be honest with her because you are not honest with yourself. She deserves the truth, and not be led on, and misguided.

Have you both talked about it? Do you feel that it would change if changes were made? She finds ambition, and you both find interests outside of each other, would it make you feel different? Relationships take work, and expecting things to change without both of you making changes yourself is hopeless. I am actually in this very situation right now, but I am her, and my girlfriend is you. Although I have ambitions, I love her so much, perhaps too much. If you want to continue things, then you guys need to drop the s**t and talk about it. If you feel you are done, as much as it will hurt, you need to let her go. Leaving her questioning your loyalty to her, when she is nothing but loyal to you, will only make it worse in the end.
You need to understand that all she wants back from you, is the love that she is putting into the relationship, and she needs to understand that you need her to love herself as much as she loves you, and that you can't continue if she doesn't want anything for herself.
It's a 2 way street, and neither one of you can fix it all alone. I can tell from the situation that she is in it for the long haul. Talk about it. If she is willing to do what it takes to fix the bumps (I'm willing to bet she is) then its all up to you if you are willing to put all your chips on the table with her, continue on, and work through it together, or cut the cords and move on separate.

Thanks for the replies! It's a great relief to get some outside input on the situation, as I really have no one to talk to about it. I might have made the wrong impression, mentioning self-fulfillment and all. I don't really see myself as an ambitious person, I have no desire to climb high on the corporate ladder, and I'm certainly not looking for that mindset in potential girlfriend. What I feel she lacks is an adventurous side. I think the most important thing in life is to see and experience things, and she clearly doesn't. I guess the points you've made remains the same though. I don't feel I've led her on for 4 years, since I truly used to loved her, only the last year has not been very good at all, and I've just recently figured out why. I'm a bit slow that way. Since I started this topic, I've come to the conclusion that I have to break up with her, and will do so this week. I'm pretty much through all the nostalgic feelings which have kept me from doing it the last few months. I should have ended it sooner of course, but up until recently, I haven't been sure what I'm feeling. Thanks again for your replies.

Where do you stand almost a year later? Are happy you broke up?