Mannnn... I have been in an on again/off again relationship for the past year and a half with this guy I'm completely in love with... and I know he really loves me, but the same thing keeps happening. We'll be doing our thing and everything is good and about 3 months will go by and he'll start flaking on me. Not calling when he says he will, not making plans when he has a day off and knows I'm available, and then it will all disintegrate, and a couple more months will go by and we will get right back into it. And every time it feels like we have both grown and realized what we need to do... but... it's a hard pattern to break. I don't know what to do, I want this to work but feel sometimes I'm more into it than he is because he's the one who keeps running away from me. What do I do? Be patient with him because he's just scared? Or break it off because he's just not that into it? And oh yeah... I have a REALLY hard time talking about this with him. I'm scared I'll scare him off even more. Probably not a good sign right... haha... anyway, any suggestions would be much appreciated.

You are paying attention, which is a good thing, a very good thing. That it is a pattern is a good clue there is something to this. That it cycles again and again says neither of you is getting to what it really is and solving it. That you can identify he is generating it means its likely more his than yours so he will have to take the lead in the digging to get at what it really is. If he is unwilling to do that (and not talking easily about it is one of those signs) then you'll need to honor his reluctance and adjust accordingly.

As strange as it sounds, people who are afraid of intimacy will often hook up with peope who routinely select unavailable people because of how well they can "dance" together, at least in the beginning when it was all about the "chase". Only you can determine how much of that fits either of you or where to go from there, if it does. It may be that he needs to be in a relationship with someone who likes being held at arm's length. And that you need someone who is far more present all the time.

I think you invest far more than he does, and your expectations are much higher than his. The things you notice and dislike he probably ignores. There is not a lot of communications going on especially in the listening department. You may have to back off more and instead of conflicts, try giving space and time. For sure you two are not in sync with your wants and needs or methods of dealing with conflicts. Stop pushing so hard.

It's a process of learning yourself and your needs and knowing how to take care of your own happiness. You should not look for him to make you happy, that's your job. Bottom line is accept him for who and what he is, or leave. Over time you may be better at communications as a couple, but for now its about the learning.

I know what you're saying, I just feel that it's very typical (don't hate me guys! ) for guys to say "accept me for who i am or leave." the issue isn't about whether I'm accepting him, because obviously I do, or else I wouldn't be with him, the issue is about him realizing (or not realizing) that it's about compromising, not "if you don't like it leave" if two people care about each other and want to be in a relationship with each other, isn't compromising part of the deal?

Sure is, but you are assuming you and he are on the same page, your not.

Aha. You're a smart one talaniman.(what does that mean anyway? talaniman) what confuses me is that we are on the same page some of the time, then he gets scared and that's when all this sh** happens. I'm trying to figure out what it is exactly that makes him not be on that same page with me anymore. What bad wording that last sentence was.

It might be that in his own attempts to avoid a more serious commitment, he backs off when he feels the relationship leading up to that stage "the going steady stage". He then waits for the relationship to backup a bit before he pursues again...
That's kind-of what I'm getting out of this...

Assuming that you are both adults, it would be far better if he could tell you with his words instead of his actions that this relationship is going too fast, if that is what it is. But I see according to you that he doesn't. And that might have been approriate in the beginning but not again and again, a year and a half into it -- - where is the communication in this? Since you are the one who is troubled by this pattern, its on you to bring it up. If it were me, I would be owning that each time he does it in this manner, I am a little more hurt and bewildered by it. That in order to slow it down without hurting and bewildering me, it will require words that say something to that effect, words that I understand better than this pattern.

If that conversation went badly, I would further acknowledge that repeatedly hurting and bewildering someone is not good and it usually ends one way. I might be inclined to ask him outright what he intends to have happen. It may be that he is just not into you like you are him. Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker... but I have to say it would be for me, since I see it as a way to perpetually stall the next stage of relationship development without ever really talking or negotiating about it -- and that's the part that is not good, the no talking about it. There is acceptance of how someone is and there is manipulating the whole relationship to favor just his needs. I see a difference in those two. But in defense of him, he can't fix what he doesn't know you are unsatisfied with and you may have to risk losing him to make this one known. I suggest you talk it out -- that skill will become increasing valuable if you are to continue as a couple, trust me!

I was slow, my partner was fast, and I was frustrating him. I risked losing him because of it and I knew that too. I asked him to be patient with me, and because he trusted me, he did. So its possible to negotiate successfully when people are two different speeds. But that was continguent on being honest and forthright in our communications, especially about our mutual interest.

Very well said Kae and Val. He's not ready for anything but dating.

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What does that mean anyway? Talaniman)

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Man of the earth-earthman

Wow... well, valinors_sorrow, we both are adults, he's 32, I'm 28. Our communication is quite... hmm, lame I guess? Because we're both cautious of saying something that will trigger a sore spot. Stupid I know, because even if it does we SHOULD be able to talk through it. Bottom line is he likes space, I take it personal. We don't have a lot of time to spend together because our schedules are opposite, so we hang out about twice a week. He feels overwhelmed with his hectic work/school schedule, so I adjust to his schedule because I like to spend time with him. So if we have plans to do something on one of the two days we get to hang out and he cancels because he wants to do something else, I feel rejected and bummed out, and he doesn't really understand why. I look forward to seeing him, that's all. Last night he told me he sometimes feels that I don't believe in how much he loves me. talaniman---his actions say he's not ready for anything but dating, but his words tell me different. I know he's the kind of person who needs more personal space than I, so how do two people on opposite ends of the "space spectrum" make this work?
"I asked him to be patient with me, and because he trusted me, he did. So its possible to negotiate successfully when people are two different speeds. But that was continguent on being honest and forthright in our communications, especially about our mutual interest."
I like what you had to say here valinors_sorrow. Thank you guys so much for your input.