My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year now, and we are great together. We share so much in common and are always haivng fun, we know how to handle our arguments responsibly, and we're always generally happy. I made a mistake about 8 months ago, of cheating on him with an ex who lives on the other side of the country. One day was all it took. When he found out he was devastated, but weve still stuck together for the rest of these months. I try my best to help him through and gain back his trust, because we both can't live without the other, we're so in love. I have fully learned from my mistake and I am completely devoted to him. He seems not to see that and has security issues and isnt sure whether he should leave me or not, now.....I truely think we are meant for eachother. What do you think I should do? Or he should do?:confused:

It's a tough call Holly as my values might not be your values here. For me cheating is a deal breaker unless really remarkable things take place to heal it. And then it usually means its healed for the individual who cheats but often sadly not the relationship, from what I have seen of how the world tends to work. Your situation is not uncommon, I think.

I have never cheated (too easy to leave first for me) but my husband did in his first marriage, and I believe he learned the lesson but to be fair, a lot was going wrong in that relationship and cheating was both a symptom and a cause. Is that possible with you two? It may be time for you to call in some third party help, some "get on with it or get over it" kind of help. Being stuck as he sounds with little progress is not a good thing for everyone. Would seeing a counselor be possible? I would certainly recommend that as that may be what is necessary to create the kind of remarkable healing cheating requires.

You can't heal him, this is something he must do. It takes a lot of time for someone to come to terms with being cheated on and you can only be patient. He may still leave for that reason, but there is nothing you can do now but put your best foot forward and wait. You see things as so great, but you busted that, and this is the fallout from your mistake.

I think he should leave you.

I think he should never trust you again.

I think it's a testament to truly what a great guy he is to try and work it out despite the fact you didn't appreciate him so you could get your kicks with someone else.

The reality is there's nothing you can do. He's always going to wonder. He's always going to want to know where you've been or who you've been with. He gave you the greatest gift he could have, his trust and loyalty. You threw that away.

If you swear that you two are meant to be, then how do you rationalize the cheating?
I personally cannot fathom how someone can swear that they truly love and want to be with someone but yet they cheat on them.
The relationship isn't the same and will never be.

He doesn't have security issues.

You cheated on him. He knows that. That's not "security issues"... that's the reality you created.

I think if he's hung up on that then he should move on. You made this mistake 8 mo ago... he's still struggling with it. You might have blown it.

Question - how old are you? Helps me understand where you and he might be from experience.

Good catch KP, I had assumed they were both adults. I need to change my answer now that I know your ages. You are both pretty young and I think the level of commitment portrayed here is essentially too adult. Young love is a time of learning and this is one mistake you'll probably not make again now that you see the consequences of it. But you will likely make others though -- we all did. Its hard to hear this but very few relatinships last from our youth. It has to do with how much changing we all go through on our way to adulthood. It should be a time of exploration as well as learning so I would remind you both how hanging onto something that no longer works prevents you from having a greater variety of positive experiences. It makes it difficult for you to learn, in essence, that which you will need in adulthood for successful relationships. One of those things is how to let go gracefully.

Holly, I know exactly how he feels, I was in a relationship where I got cheated on, about the same age that you are now.

I was insecure in myself and felt that that was the best that I deserved, so I took her back. A few months later, I decided that I was better than that and I had to get out. I never trusted her after that.

I agree with the other advice here, but wanted to voice in as someone who had much the same experience as your boyfriend.

He will never trust you again, and he should never trust you again, it's time for it to be over now.

Realise the mistake you made and grow from it.

Good luck.

The good news-You have had a valuable learning experience and you can see and feel the consequences of your actions.

The bad news-Its going to hurt like a MOTHER!!

Well... I try not to judge too harshly using age. I think you can experience a love at 15 that is as real as you can imagine. Its intense and powerful and real.

When you are young, you often dismiss the opinions of older people... thinking they just can't relate. Thing is, every one of us HAS been there and has had to work through many of the same things. Most of us has had an intense young love, most of us has lost a "true" love, and most of us has had to deal with some heartbreak.

Meaning, when we point out "mistakes" were not so much judging you, as we are trying to help you avoid mistakes we have made or that others we know have made.

I, for example, dated a girl for 7 years. 2 years HS, through college, and one year after. It WAS the perfect relationship for THAT time in my life. Is was a great love. It also ended and I'm glad. It was time for it to end. We both needed to move on and explore other relationships.

And, as mentioned, we "older people" sometimes sound like we are dismissing what you are feeling... pushing it aside like it doesn't mean much.

That's not our intent. What you feel is meaningful. But it also can be too overwhelming. I, for example, changed the course of my education for the girl I was in love with. Bad idea. I felt justified since she was a big part of my life, but again, bad idea when so young.

So... point of all this noise is just to try to get you to not fret or worry too much about holding on to a relationship that you think is absolutely perfect for you. You can focus so much on trying to preserve a relationship that it becomes bigger than you. It becomes this source of pride and it can be a reason for your happiness. But most young relationships don't last. Even when you are "perfect" for each other.

You are both still learning and growing and needing to experience life. So... its fine to try to make the relationship work. Its fine to be true to him. Just make sure that you are devoted to yourself first. Make sure you don't base your happiness on his happiness.

His "insecurities" might be from your cheating. It might also just be the normal desire at a young age to explore other relationships. That doesn't mean yours is broken. It means he, and you, are still learning about relationships and what it means to experience life with other people in it. Its normal and natural, even if its not easy to take.

Holly,
I really feel for you. I lost a high school sweetie because I was a cheatie...
It hurt like crazy!
Then, later on, the tables were turned and I was cheated on.
It hurt like crazy!
I learned my lesson and came to realize that it's equally as painful for everyone involved.
Your boyfriends feelings are genuinely appropriate given the fact that he was cheated on by you.
I live by this motto:
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
Can you see that he's just trying to protect himself?
In all reality, he must be a really great guy to stick around, but don't be too surprised if he never comes to terms with it.
For the future, try not to make the same mistake twice, as he will probably never tolerate being cheated on again.
You live and you learn, and that's what both of you seem to be doing...
Kae

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HollyBayb

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year now, and we are great together. We share so much in common and are always haivng fun, we know how to handle our arguments responsibly, and we're always generally happy. I made a mistake about 8 months ago, of cheating on him with an ex who lives on the other side of the country. One day was all it took. When he found out he was devastated, but weve still stuck together for the rest of these months. I try my best to help him through and gain back his trust, because we both can't live without the other, we're so in love. I have fully learned from my mistake and I am completely devoted to him. He seems not to see that and has security issues and isnt sure whether he should leave me or not, now.....I truely think we are meant for eachother. What do you think I should do? Or he should do?:confused:

---

I left my wife of 10 years because she cheated with my best friend and it messed m eup pretty good. I know if you love him and he loves you it will work out. Just be patient with him and call him as much as you can because i know what its like to wonder after not talking for 4 to 5 hours your mind will wonder. It is just the way society makes you feel. Do me a favor though please read my question in relationships ( topic ) i wonder. Please give me your advice from a female perspective thanks i wonder.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I WONDER

...CALL HIM AS MUCH AS YOU CAN BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO WONDER AFTER NOT TALKING FOR 4 TO 5 HOURS YOUR MIND WILL WONDER.

---

I think this is not good advice.

Preoccupying someone to keep them from doing the emotional work needed is not really healthy.

And if any person called me every 4 hours id go insane! Talk about SMOTHERING.

And I just don't think a 15/16 year old relationship is apples to apples when talking about a marriage.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I WONDER

I KNOW IF YOU LOVE HIM AND HE LOVES YOU IT WILL WORK OUT.

---

There's more to relationships then love. Love does not pull people through in real life like it does in the movies.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by I WONDER

JUST BE PATIENT WITH HIM AND CALL HIM AS MUCH AS YOU CAN BECAUSE I KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO WONDER AFTER NOT TALKING FOR 4 TO 5 HOURS

---

That is the exact behavior that causes women to cheat. It lets her know she can have you at any time so she doesn't have to work for you or your love. I would recommend the exact opposite. Back off from her and let her call you. She needs a man, not another emotional woman woman friend. When you act overly emotional you act like her female friends.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by HollyBayb

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year now, and we are great together. We share so much in common and are always haivng fun, we know how to handle our arguments responsibly, and we're always generally happy. I made a mistake about 8 months ago, of cheating on him with an ex who lives on the other side of the country. One day was all it took. When he found out he was devastated, but weve still stuck together for the rest of these months. I try my best to help him through and gain back his trust, because we both can't live without the other, we're so in love. I have fully learned from my mistake and I am completely devoted to him. He seems not to see that and has security issues and isnt sure whether he should leave me or not, now.....I truely think we are meant for eachother. What do you think I should do? Or he should do?:confused:

---

Thank you all so much! =]
We took a break this week, and he has come back to me saying that he doesn't ever want to be with anyone else and he is happy to be with me for the time being. We just got back from the movies and had the best time!
its like falling in love all over again...
he knows I've learned and am still learning form this and he wants to help me with that learning.
Thank you all so much for putting in all your time and effort! I really really appreciate it!!
C=