Ask Me Help Desk - I think I should leave, but I'm hurting so badly inside.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 yrs, we have a 1 yr old son together and I'm living over 600 miles away from my family. The relationship started great. There were trust issues on both sides. But we were happy and enjoyed each other. Now ever since our son turned 8 months old it's like we get along for a while but when things get bad, they get BAD! He has called me names for a while, a few times it's gotten physical (on my part I feel I was acting in self defense.. by biting him). He constantly is telling me I making him unhappy, that I'm not doing my job as a mother/gf (yet he always has dinner made for him, house reasonably clean for having a 1 yr old, and I never deny him sex. Our son is always fed, changed, and healthy.)

I think I'm doing a pretty bang up job for a first time 21 yr old mother with really no ones help. But he threatens to make sure he gets custody of our son, threatens to call the cops on me. Puts me down because I suffer from depression and says it's all in my head and I'm making excuses. Every time we have problems the blame is always on me. He says I'm the reason our relationship will never work.

The past 4 days he has left "because of me". When I call him throughout this time he'll either answer the phone, talk horribly to me and than hang up on me. Or he just ignores my calls or cuts his phone off.

I truly do love him, I can't bare thinking of him with another woman.. But I'm at the end of my rope and I don't want to cause him unhappiness and I don't want to force a relationship with someone who seems like they're done with 'us'.. I don't want our son growing up seeing the way his father treats his mother and talks to his mother and think it's OK. What should I do? Please help.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mommabird

My bf and I have been together for 2 yrs, we have a 1yr old son together and I'm living over 600 miles away from my family. The relationship started out great.. There were trust issues on both sides.. But we were happy and enjoyed each other. Now ever since our son turned 8months old it's like we get along for a while but when things get bad, they get BAD! He has called me names for a while, a few times it's gotten physical (on my part I feel I was acting in self defense.. by biting him). He constantly is telling me I making him unhappy, that I'm not doing my job as a mother/gf (yet he always has dinner made for him, house reasonably clean for having a 1yr old, and I never deny him sex.. Our son is always fed, changed, n healthy.) I think I'm doing a pretty bang up job for a first time 21yr old mother with really no ones help. But he threatens to make sure he gets custody of our son, threatens to call the cops on me.. Puts me down because I suffer from depression and says it's all in my head and I'm making excuses. Everytime we have problems the blaime is always on me.. He says I'm the reason our relationship will never work. The past 4days he has left "because of me".. When I call him throughout this time he'll either answer the phone, tlk horribly to me and than hang up on me.. Or he jus ignores my calls or cuts his phone off.
I truely do love him, I can't bare thinking of him with another woman.. But I'm at the end of my rope and I don't want to cause him unhappiness and I don't wanna force a relationship with someone who seems like they're done with 'us'.. I don't want our son growing up seeing the way his father treats his mother and talks to his mother and think it's ok. What should I do?? Please help.

The fast answer is - leave. He's physically abusive. If you bite him, you are physically abusive.

You do not treat each other well. Your son is being exposed to this behavior.

If he IS involved with another woman he could be bringing a STD home to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

The fast answer is - leave. He's physically abusive. If you bite him, you are physically abusive.

You do not treat each other well. Your son is being exposed to this behavior.

If he IS involved with another woman he could be bringing a STD home to you.

It was this last time when he slammed me against our front door grabbing me by my throat telling me GOOD I HOPE YOU'RE HURT.. that's why I bit him. Like I said I felt it was in self defense.. Other than that I've never hit, scratched, or kicked him.. Only pushing him off or away to make him stop.

It's still a violent relationship and, yes, I now understand you were protecting yourself. What is good about him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

It's still a violent relationship and, yes, I now understand you were protecting yourself. What is good about him?

He is a great father and at times makes me smile and laugh and feel pretty. My mother says I should make a pros and cons list and make my decision.. I guess he should make me feel good about myself all the time though

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mommabird

He is a great father and at times makes me smile n laugh n feel pretty. My mother says I should make a pros n cons list and make my decision.. I guess he should make me feel good about myself all the time tho

I sort of agree with your mother BUT your son is witnessing this behavior? At some point he needs to be protected.

Can you talk to your boyfriend, calmly and rationally?

If there's more bad than good I don't see the point in staying.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I sort of agree with your mother BUT your son is witnessing this behavior? At some point he needs to be protected.

Can you talk to your boyfriend, calmly and rationally?

If there's more bad than good I don't see the point in staying.

The bad is steadily increasing.. He tells me this house is not my home, it's HIS house cause he pays for everything but my names on all the bills.
I've tried talking to him calmly and rationally.. He's quick to acknowledge the wrong I do, but as soon as I point out his wrong it's always, " don't turn this around on me.. You're the root of all our problems." I feel like a bad person/mother to take my son away.. But he has told me multiple times he gives up n constantly tells me to pack my stuff and that he's putting me out. He already has his daughter and ex baby momma in TX and he has yet to try getting custody..

So should I follow through with my plan and leave him? I'm afraid if I tell him I'm leaving with my son and going back to TN, he'll try to take my son.. But I feel bad if I blind side him and he comes home to an empty house.. I'm thinking about just ' blind siding' him n leaving him a note, but I don't know what to say.

Stop! Just stop trying to get in touch with him, and start getting your own act together. He left, he has to come back on his own, and be willing to do his part and you do yours. You have reached that fork in the road that you have to work together and be good parents whether you can be lovers.

You both need to get a grip on reality, and leave each other alone until the dusts settles and the emotions calm down. Leave him alone for a while, a long while. You have chased him enough. For sure its not working so stop doing it!

Where is he living now?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Stop! Just stop trying to get in touch with him, and start getting your own act together. He left, he has to come back on his own, and be willing to do his part and you do yours. You have reached that fork in the road that you have to work together and be good parents whether or not you can be lovers.

You both need to get a grip on reality, and leave each other alone until the dusts settles and the emotions calm down. Leave him alone for a while, a long while. You have chased him enough. For sure its not working so stop doing it!

You're right.. I'm tired of chasing him..