I don't usually look to the internet for my problems, but I just can't feel better about this. Here's the backstory, I guess. My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year and I think I can confidently say we are both very happy. We're on the same terms with pretty much everything, we enjoy spending time together and we can talk about anything. I'd say it's a pretty healthy thing we have going. But there's one problem and one thing he shuts me out of and that's porn.
It started as a nonchalant conversation one day a few months ago. We got on the subject of it and he mentioned that pretty much every guy does do it and so does he. No big deal, or so I thought. I mean, rationally, I know that it happens and at first it didn't bother me. But later on that night, it really started to get to me. It seems to always pop up in the back of my mind. And on top of that, I've seen it a few times open on his browser. I tried talking to him a few times after that about it, but he completely shuts me out. He won't talk about it with me and he says it makes him uncomfortable.
So here's my dilemma. I feel like if we would be able to talk about it, somehow, I would be able to feel better about it. I don't want to know everything. I just want some sort of clarity. But at the same time, I don't want to make him uncomfortable and I always feel like the bad guy when I bring it up. Any advice?

What part of it do you want to talk about? What about it makes you uncomfortable?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What part of it do you want to talk about? What about it makes you uncomfortable?

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I don't want to invade his privacy, of course. But I would like to know the basics. How much he watches it, and if there's a specific reason why. I mean, I know I please him and we're not lacking at all in that area. It just brings up a lot of self doubt for me. That's unusual, too, because I'm a pretty self confident person. I just hate the idea of him looking at another girl and being able to have that happen. I know its natural, I just want to be let in a little bit.

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Originally Posted by sunandskies

I don't want to invade his privacy, of course. But I would like to know the basics. How much he watches it, and if there's a specific reason why. I mean, I know I please him and we're not lacking at all in that area. It just brings up a lot of self doubt for me. That's unusual, too, because I'm a pretty self confident person. I just hate the idea of him looking at another girl and being able to have that happen. I know its natural, I just want to be let in a little bit.

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You don't want to invade his privacy, but... you do want to invade his privacy. Because his use of porn makes you insecure? Does it help if I tell you it has nothing to do with you--absolutely nothing! He isn't comparing you to them at all.

Share some porn videos as a prelude to lovemaking. Do role-playing as an intro to lovemaking. Get involved in his fantasy life without being his disapproving mother.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You don't want to invade his privacy, but ... you do want to invade his privacy. Because his use of porn makes you insecure? Does it help if I tell you it has nothing to do with you--absolutely nothing! He isn't comparing you to them at all.

Share some porn videos as a prelude to lovemaking. Do role-playing as an intro to lovemaking. Get involved in his fantasy life without being his disapproving mother.

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I have tried. He gets very protective whenever I offer to watch one together. He gets awkward about it. But I guess I can give it a crack again.
And I never did think about it like that, I guess. So thanks for opening up my eyes a little! I'll try to start believing that.

Then get your own porn videos and watch them by yourself. There are some really clever porn movies that are mysteries or thrillers. Women tend to like something like that -- more than just the raw porn, but with a story enveloping the experience. Men, on the other hand, don't care as much about complicated plots.

Your personal interest in doing this might intrigue him.

I was surprised to learn my boyfriend was using porn, but then three of my other ex boyfriends had looked at it too.