Okay, so here's the story - I'm 16 and a girl my age who's been my friend for a few years now has a boyfriend who is known to have a trust problem and is a year older. One weekend, her boyfriend went away and we started getting kind of close - she even came over to my house, and we held hands and I could have kissed her but didn't. I decided it wasn't right. Later, she told me that she liked me.

I am quite sure that she will want to be involved with me once they break up, but for now they continue to be involved, and saddeningly enough for me, have sex. I can't stop thinking about her.

Since she didn't break up with him, I feel like I won't be able to enjoy it if I go with her after they do break up... should I consider that "sloppy seconds"?

Any other advice would also be greatly appreciated.

Fondly,
Nat

I hate to see you even have the notion, "sloppy seconds". That is degrading and if that is what you think of this girl, then do her a favor and leave her alone. As I am sure that someday her sexual past would come up in conversation or an argument and that is dirty pool - to use her past as some sort of club to beat her up with.

Now, if you can look at her and look beyond her past, then fine. Everyone, at one point in their life, develops a past. You have one too - we all do. I also have a question about your ability to trust her. Look what you said - she has a current boyfriend who was away and she came over to your house. You two held hands. What does that say to you about her and what does that say about you?

I would not trust either one of you. Her for not respecting herself enough when she already has a boyfriend and you, for not respecting her relationship with her boyfriend. "Your Cheatin' Heart" - that old song, comes to mind.

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Originally Posted by shygrneyzs

I hate to see you even have the notion, "sloppy seconds". That is degrading and if that is what you think of this girl, then do her a favor and leave her alone. As I am sure that someday her sexual past would come up in conversation or an argument and that is dirty pool - to use her past as some sort of club to beat her up with.

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I think it's a bit presumptuous to assume that I'd use her sexual past as a "club to beat her up with" - I'm not one to cudgel those I'm fond of. In any case, thanks for the response - I just don't understand one thing. You say 'sloppy seconds' as if I am referring to her - not the case! I'm referring to myself! Hopefully this will change your idea of 'degredation'

I started to delete the question, but it appeas ( I hope) you don't know what the term means. It deals with having sex one right after another

It does not mean dating more than one person, but the pure sexual acts.

If after hearing this, you would like this deleted message me, since the term is offensive to some people ( including me)

Valerius,

It seems you have much to learn in the game that is life. Using the term 'sloppy seconds' whether to her or to you, is a very degrading term in and of itself. So, just let that thought leave your brain and don't use it again, okay?

Shy made a good point in my mind that you are using her sexual past as a club to beat her up with because you state this

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but for now they continue to be involved, and saddeningly enough for me, have sex. I can't stop thinking about her.

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Just because you do not beat her up physically, it is a term meant that you may carry this emotional baggage because you can't stop thinking about her.

You see, we have many many years on you, I have 2 sons older than you, I believe Shy does too. So, not only were where you are when we were 16, but we have raised the children too.

You mention that her boyfriend is known to have a trust problem. Well, it is apparent to at least me, that she does not. She should not have been with you while her boyfriend was out of town. Also, understand what that speaks of you that you were with a girl who had a boyfriend. I hope he is not the jealous type and I hope he does not find out.

What a disaster, this was my first post and I already messed it up - sorry to offend any of you guys. Urbandictionary can be pretty trivial, I'll just Google it. Thanks for the understanding.

I feel like an imbecile...

Oh, Dear, it is not a disaster, you learned something didn't you?

The term simply put means having sex with a woman moments after another man does. It terms her as easy, loose, and any other word you may want to put there.

Well, with that cleared up, let's refer back to my question - what I'm really asking here is if I perhaps start a relationship with her after her boyfriend and her break up (hands off until then!), is it right to feel as though I'm the second choice (NOT the aforementioned term)

I think it would be best to leave this girl alone. You already know that in essence she cheated on him with you, even though there was nothing more than holding hands, it can be considered cheating. So, what makes you think she won't do that to you?

Yes, I agree - leave this girl alone. You already know her pattern of behavior - it is not likely to change. Sorry to say that, but it just is that way for the majority of those who go out behind their boyfriend or gf's back. It would be in the back of your mind, maybe not consciously, but it would be there.

You are not an imbecile. You said something that now you realize was inappropriate and you learned fast! Life is full of lessons like that.

Take care.

I suppose there is no way to say this without sounding cantankerous, but someone in my head is quite sure that she wouldn't do it to me. I suppose I have no reason to be sure of this, except for my own intuition and knowledge of our platonic relationship. Do you ever have a feeling where you're quite sure of something? Even though you tell me to, I doubt I will be able to stop thinking about this girl and to be honest, I probably will still pursue her. It is much easier said than done to "leave this girl alone".

Then be emotionally prepared for what happens. Yes, I have those "gut feelings" about someone and at times it was merely indigestion. Honestly? I think you are going to find out what exactly it is like to be her boyfriend - at some point. You will need to do this, if for no other reason, than to get her out of your system. You are young, you will recover.

I agree with Shy here, be prepared to be emotionally hurt if and when you put more of yourself into this relationship. If she did it to him what makes you think, besides intuition, that she won't do it to you when you go on vacation?

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Originally Posted by Valerius

well, with that cleared up, let's refer back to my question - what i'm really asking here is if i perhaps start a relationship with her after her boyfriend and her break up (hands off until then!), is it right to feel as though i'm the second choice (NOT the aforementioned term)

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Lets try to wrap your mind around it this way -- if/when she breaks up with the other guy -- if thee and she start going out -- you would be her CURRENT choice, Isn`t that all that would matter? -Savage

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Originally Posted by Valerius

okay, so here's the story - i'm 16 and a girl my age who's been my friend for a few years now has a boyfriend who is known to have a trust problem and is a year older. one weekend, her boyfriend went away and we started getting kind of close - she even came over to my house, and we held hands and i could have kissed her but didn't. i decided it wasn't right. later, she told me that she liked me.

i am quite sure that she will want to be involved with me once they break up, but for now they continue to be involved, and saddeningly enough for me, have sex. i can't stop thinking about her.

since she didn't break up with him, i feel like i won't be able to enjoy it if i go with her after they do break up...should i consider that "sloppy seconds"?

any other advice would also be greatly appreciated.

fondly,
nat

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The very term "sloppy seconds" is very offensive and if you would consider using it to refer to a girl you want to date, you shouldn't date her because you lack the level of respect you need to have going into the relationship.

It sounds to me that her behavior with you should not be going on if she's in a sexual relationship with someone. To me it's emotionally reckless to herself, to you and to her current boyfriend to be in a physical relationship with him when her heart is clearly in a time and age when she just wants to meet and consider relationships with different people.

I am an adult - more than twice your age - and I think it's sad that things are so much more sexual for teens now. Here you have good feelings for her but before you even go on a date you are worried about where she's been sexually? At 16, that should not even be an issue.

When you are old enough to have sexual relationships that go that far, you will, as will the woman, recognize that it's not called "sloppy seconds" but rather is called dating someone who has had prior intimate relationships. It is more than words- it's about the maturity behind the understanding.

If your values are to only date virgins, then only date women that you believe to be virgins. There are a lot of them out there, and they are probably a lot more mature.

I value your response, but don't throw salt in the wound here! I understand that I erred in my understanding of the term

No intended salt-throwing - In a nutshell, I guess I called you out on that term because if she heard it, you would no longer have a snowball's chance in hell with her.

I don't think she's trying to use you, but you are serving the purpose of making up for what her current boyfriend is not fulfilling in her life and that can have a backlash. While she maybe should find a healthier relationship where more of her needs are met within the relationship, she apparently doesn't recognize that. And, with her needs met through you and this other guy together, what motivation does she have to move on?

On the other hand, if you push back if she gets more intimate acting with you and let her now, "you know I care for you, but you are with someone else, and that's a deal breaker for me," she will know that you aren't playing games and will have to make a choice. If she doesn't, you have your answer and can move on. If she does, you will know she chose to be with you over the other guy. Isn't that a better way to feel going into a relationship?

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Originally Posted by lacuran8626

"you know I care for you, but you are with someone else, and that's a deal breaker for me,"

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One simple line drawn is all it takes to separate the gamers from the genuine. This was eloquent.

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disagrees: conformist, no insight in my actual problem. Sorry dude.

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Actually its you who have missed the whole point. When someone has shown that they will go behind someone's back and cheat, then you should be prepared to see this happen to you, if you pursued her. To think otherwise is so naïve. Do you suppose she has done this before and that's why her b/f has trust issues?