Confused. Have I done the right thing?
Sorry for the length of this post. I've tried to summarise where possible.
A few months ago, I met a man online. We instantly 'clicked' and although we lived far apart, shared similar family backgrounds, interests and humour. We quickly began Skype-ing on a nightly basis, along with texts and occasional phonecalls and very quickly arranged to meet. Although we both expressed worries that we wouldn't like each other in person, I think we couldn't help but make plans for a future together. He had only come out of a long-term relationship a few months before in which he'd been cheated on. However, he was always very affectionate and flirtatious with me. He said that he wanted a future with me. I VERY rarely meet people I click with, and probably never so much; I was afraid to open up too much, but at the same time couldn't help but be excited.
It sounds clichéd, but when we DID meet, it felt like I'd always known him, despite being very nervous beforehand. The few days we spent together he was SO loving towards me. I DID sleep with him; it felt natural and right and we're both adults, but we spent the rest of our time talking about what we'd do in summer, having a long distance relationship, laughing... I was terribly sad when I had to leave him and when I returned home, immediately wanted to make plans to see him again. It was then he admitted that before meeting me, he thought he knew that he was ready for another serious relationship, but that he may still have issues unresolved from his last one, but assured me that he loved spending time with me and didn't want anybody else.
Our daily contact continued for a few weeks until I asked if he'd like to see me again. He said he would and we made our plans. As my visit approached though, he decided to tell me that he didn't think we made a good long-term match, that we didn't have that much in common and that we'd spent a month just sharing fantasies about one another. He said that he still loved my company and was attracted to me, but that my visit was to be just as a 'friends with benefits' situation. Obviously I was terribly hurt by this. I think I went into some form of shock. Because everything was booked and paid for, I decided to still go. I think on some level I wanted one of two things to happen: for him to come to his senses when we met, or for me to feel indifferent towards him in person enough to move on.
In the meantime, our contact continued as normal, everyday. When our next meet came, part of me thought I was doing the wrong thing by being there, that if he was serious in what he'd said to me that I was NOT the type of girl who'd be happy with it. But again when I saw him, those anxious feelings left me. Our time together he was completely affectionate; when I said that I'd missed him, he returned it. Everything was fine until the day I left when I asked whether he'd like to visit me/have me visit again. In a public place, he brought up the "not being a long-term match" issue again, that we couldn't have a relationship, that he didn't want his life on hold for me and that if I wanted to visit him again, it would just be for friendship and sex and that I couldn't have any aspirations otherwise. The contrast between how he'd acted towards me, the effort he'd put into our contact and this cold language was very hard for me to bear. Knowing I was becoming upset, he said something about how he shouldn't feel bad because he was being honest and that I alone was responsible for how I felt. I didn't know how to react. When we said our goodbyes, I held it together until I was alone but then completely broke down in tears.
When I returned home, I told him that I might have stronger feelings for him than I believed I'd had before. He said he didn't understand why I was so upset, that it wasn't all that bad, that I should "cheer up". I said I needed a few days away from him. However, nothing became clearer in those days and I called him to try and express how hurt I was feeling. He just seemed to get angry at me, saying I was getting defensive (I wasn't, I was just trying to talk). A few days later, I composed an email to him and explained that I was committed to him, that all I'd wanted was to make him happy, that I loved him and would happily move closer if he'd ask. I said that I felt he'd never given our relationship a fair chance; he'd told me time and time again how he loved being with me, I made him laugh and was hugely attracted to me. I also told him that if he wasn't willing me to meet me in the middle and make SOME commitment to me, that I'd have to let him go because I was in too deep for just friendship and that IF he was willing, he'd have to contact me.
He sent me a text later that day saying that he received it, but that nothing had changed. I was feeling VERY low and probably mistakenly text him a few days later over another matter. He mentioned that he'd meant to reply to my email but that he wasn't sure what he could say that hadn't already been said. I said that I evidently didn't know what he wanted from me, that it was humiliating and that perhaps I'd been grieving for the loss of somebody who never really existed in the first place. He accused me of being melodramatic. I said that I wasn't and I'd always be there for him and he thanked me.
That was a few days ago. Since then, I've removed him from Facebook and Skype because I feel I need to move on. However, I'm still emotionally seesawing between thinking I've done the right thing and thinking I should've tried to be friends with him. I'm in love with him and I'm completely heartbroken over this. I'd really appreciate some impartial advice if anyone has any views on this mess?
