Ask Me Help Desk - In a big mess!

Hello, I'm in a big mess and need a lot of help. I'm a 28 yr. old man who is dating a woman with a 4 yr. old child. The problem is, I was brought up in a very middle class household, and was brought up as such. I had many rules and guidelines I had to follow as a child. I think it has molded me into a responsible, repectful adult. My girlfriend was brought up the opposite. She was spoiled as a child in a upperclass family. My problem is this. I see her spoiling her child and not enforcing many rules. I have a huge problem with this!! I could be wrong here, but in my experience children who are raised this way turn out to be big brats for a lack of a better word. I'm not asking for much. The main problems I have have to do with bedtime, eating, spoiling. First, he's 4yrs. Old and he goes to bed anywhere between 11:30 and 12:30 every night! This drives me insane! I think a nine o'clock bedtime is about right. Secondly, when we sit down to eat, she feeds him! Again, he's 4. I have 2 year old cousins who feed themselves! Lastly, she rarely says no to his requests. For example, whenever they go to the store, she has gotten so used to always buying him something, that he expects it now. He is constantly asking for things and if she says "no" which is very rare, he throws an absolute tantrum! I just see this heading for disaster! I care very much for her, and I have told her about my concerns. When I tell her, she gets defensive and thinks I'm trying to tell her how to parent. I guess I am telling her how to parent. I feel like saying " god, can you not see all this!" You are really screwing your child up for later in life!" I don't tell her that, but I think it. Should I just let her go or what? Are my feelings about her parenting offbase? If she knows how I feel and doesn't change any of it, is this a hint of what is to come later in our relationship. Her not respecting my opinion about other things? I know a lot of questions! Someone please help!

I have a feeling that things are not going to change as to how she feels toward raising her child. It is ridiclous that a child of 4 is still being fed by her, and there are no set rules, bedtimes, or even hearing the word no.Being honest right now if I was in your shoes I be running for the nearest escape out of the relationship. She is basically telling you it is her child and you have no say so in the upbringing.Yes, in the future this is going to be causing major problems between you. Think about it, what if you were to marry her what would it be like? She has made it clear you will have no say so on anything to do with the child. That is no relationship and soon you would resent them both.

I think your views on parenting are right on target. She is setting herself up for a ton of problems with this kid later on.

Wow, yes you are in a mess aren't you? I for one want you to know I feel your pain. I was raised like you and my husband was raised like your girlfriend. We went through virtually everything you describe last night with our 4 year old son and 13 year old daughter. Reading your post was almost like looking in a mirror!! :eek:

However, neither our son or daughter act spoiled. They have their chores (yes, both of them even the 4 year old) and they do them over and above what we ask. Therefore my husband believes they should get some "perks." I still stand firm though and am frequently "outvoted." Both of our children may be spoiled, but do not act as though they are. Our 13 year old is an outstanding student and teenager who does make good choices in life. However, I believe that she may be an exception to the rule.

With that said, yes, 11:00 - 11:30 is too late for a child of 4 to be up except maybe on weekends. If he is in school (mine is in Pre-K) he could be acting out in school because he is tired, he could be acting out at home because he is tired. I am a firm believer in my 4 year old getting to bed by 8 or 8:30 on weeknights. And yes, he should be feeding himself by now. How will be feed himself when he does get to school? It will be a major embarrassment on his part when he gets there and does not know how to eat by himself.

Personally, I don't think your feelings are off base, however, it is her child. She will take offense to what you are saying because you are the "newcomer." Also, do you have children? Understand that raising a child of your own and having cousins, or a girlffriend with a child, are two totally different animals. As unfortunate as it sounds, she is the mother. You are neither the father nor the step-father.

Your feelings of parenting are not off base at all to me, but to her they may be. You ask:

Quote:

Originally Posted by kinfrox

If she knows how I feel and doesn't change any of it, is this a hint of what is to come later in our relationship.

It is very possible. We should never expect anyone to change anything for us. If we don't like certain aspects of a person, and cannot come to accept those aspects (parenting, behavior, etc), then we should move on. A true relationship is not about change, but about acceptance. If you cannot accept the way she is raising her child, maybe you should consider just how far you are willing to go in this relationship.

You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders, feet firm on the ground. And while I personally agree with your parenting style from what I have read, understand that you are not a permanent fixture in her life or the life of her son as of yet. So, unfortunately, you have no say in how she should or should not raise her son.