How can I communicate with my boyfriend, he's jealous and insecure and wants me to be around him all the time. Rarely do I spend time with family or friends and when I do he wants to know every detail , but when he ask his hyper ming has already imagined that I have done something sneaky and starts accusing me of lying. Its gotten to the point that when I let him know ill be spending time with my girlfriends or some other outing he wants me to call and update him on activities and what time will I be home!:( I love him, but he's too controlling. Is our relationship hopeless?

I can only speak from my experience. Others will probably disagree.

I had a fiancé like that once, he always wanted to know where I had been, who I had seen, what I talked about. It seemed quite reasonable at first, I was flattered that someone was that interested in me and cared enough to ask about my days.

He became more demanding of my time, so I stopped going out as often. I only called my friends when he was not around. When I moved I with him things got worse. He started telling me what time to be home (so he wouldn't worry), what clothes to wear (its easier for him to look at what looks good on me), not to go to my family (he had things already in place to do)

I couldn't see what was happening as it seemed perfectly normal. He loved me (he told me many times) and he wanted to protect me (it was his job as my fiance).

I became more & more isolated. More & more dependent of him for things.

Eventually I couldn't do things right (we've always done it this way), I was being selfish ( didn't I love him & want to spend time with him?), its my fault that he's cross & has shouted ( its only because he cares)

Things got worse & worse until one day the shout became a push, the push became a hair pull, the hairpull became a hit, then a strangulation.

I had one real friend left by this point (the other had given up trying to get through my fiance). When he was out one night (it was OK for him to go out), she came round, I threw what I could into a bag a left.

It was the best thing I did.

I don't want to scare you. Your boyfriend may not be anything like this. I hope he's not.

Just be careful. Put yourself first. Relationships are about give & take, sharing the load.

I wish you well

Moomin

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Originally Posted by stormy1

Is our relationship hopeless?

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Yes it is because this isn't a relationship. This is emotional slavery.

A relationship is two people bringing ideas, moments, and common ground together. What your doing is living under the always watchful eye of someone who doesn't trust you or care about himself enough to develop trust.

Hello Stormy1,
This is not a good relationship where both of you should respect each other.
He did not want you to be with your family or friends as this is a way for him to get you under his control. But if one day he dare using his hands (starting to be violent), please leave him. Even though you love him.

Unless he becomes willing to work on his issues, this situation will get worse for you. You cannot be happy under these circumstances, and you can't change how he acts only he can. You don't need this crap and maybe removing yourself from this situation will make him seek help. If not at least you won't be there to be miserable with this sicko.

Stormy1, this is worth reading again. What you are experiencing is abuse, and it can only escillate.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by moomin007

I can only speak from my experience. Others will probably disagree.

I had a fiance like that once, he always wanted to know where I had been, who I had seen, what I talked about. It seemed quite reasonable at first, I was flattered that someone was that interested in me and cared enough to ask about my days.

He became more demanding of my time, so I stopped going out as often. I only called my friends when he was not around. When I moved I with him things got worse. He started telling me what time to be home (so he wouldnt worry), what clothes to wear (its easier for him to look at what looks good on me), not to go to my family (he had things already in place to do)

I couldnt see what was happening as it seemed perfectly normal. He loved me (he told me many times) and he wanted to protect me (it was his job as my fiance).

I became more & more isolated. More & more dependant of him for things.

Eventually I couldn't do things right (we've always done it this way), I was being selfish ( didn't I love him & want to spend time with him?), its my fault that he's cross & has shouted ( its only because he cares)

Things got worse & worse til one day the shout became a push, the push became a hair pull, the hairpull became a hit, then a strangulation.

I had one real friend left by this point (the other had given up trying to get through my fiance). when he was out one night (it was ok for him to go out), she came round, I threw what I could into a bag a left.

It was the best thing I did.

I don't want to scare you. Your boyfriend may not be anything like this. I hope he's not.

Just be careful. Put yourself first. Relationships are about give & take, sharing the load.

I wish you well

moomin

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You need to sit down and let him know that you are happy that is wants to know where you are all the time but at some point you need to go out with your friends and family and that if he can't trust you or continues to be this jealous he is going to drive you more and more away. He needs to know that the way he is acting sooner rather than later will cause an end to this relationship if it continues.

One he knows his destructive ways are causing a wedge in your relationship maybe he will adjust. You can either do that or let him just push you away until you basically have to run out the door and get a restraining order on him to be free. Your call but something needs to be done and NOW!!

Stormy 1, I like your name. You cannot help an insecure man. There is no record in history that an insecure man became secure by the help of someone.

No one can help them they need to find out BY THEMSELVES WHAT IS REALLY WRONG WITH them.

99.9999% of relationships with an insecure person ends up like Moomin007's.

Do not wait to get the first black eye, the first shove, the first strangelation before you decide you want to leave.

The one I dated started with verbal abuse, then to emotional abuse, everything was my fault, every pain he inflicted on me was because he cares, then it became a shove, then clothes tearing off my back and then strangelation. I was dumb enough to have even stayed till this stage.

I ran away, changed my address, my phone number and my email address.

The freedom I enjoyed after I left tasted so good.

I was still emotionally attached to him when I left but my life, my sanity and my selfworth was worth more than being with him.

I finally got him out of system and I am alive and happy.