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-   -   How can I help her? - Rape... (https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/showthread.php?t=668204)

  • Jun 7, 2012, 10:43 AM
    Bloodhound8
    How can I help her? - Rape...
    Ok I am going to make this short, so thank you ahead of time for your patience and responses.

    A girl I love is going through a hard time, when she was about 10, she had been raped by another boy of about 18 years old. I can't stand the thought of this, it's to the point where I hate myself for not knowing her at the time so I could have done something about it!

    Anyway, it has really impacted her life in... well a bad way. She even says so. But what I don't understand, is her idea of what happened... she believes... that because of what happened, to her, that she is a bad person for it. She believes that bad things happen to bad people and because SHE was the one who was raped, then she is a bad person because of it.

    I don't know what to tell her, she is not a bad person by any means, she is an amazing person! And, I cannot stand to see her like this... it tares me up inside..

    What should I say.. hell, what COULD I say, to maybe make her think differently. I don't want to suggest to her a psychiatrist or have any form of therapy, I just want to help her... what could I do?

    Thank you all for your help!
  • Jun 7, 2012, 10:48 AM
    Curlyben
    Is this the same girl here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...me-667799.html ?
  • Jun 7, 2012, 11:04 AM
    Bloodhound8
    Yes
  • Jun 7, 2012, 11:11 AM
    Wondergirl
    You would be smart to encourage her to get into counseling. Only a trained therapist will know how to help her find her self esteem again. That is what she needs, a trained therapist. Meanwhile, be her friend.
  • Jun 7, 2012, 11:15 AM
    Bloodhound8
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    You would be smart to encourage her to get into counseling. Only a trained therapist will know how to help her find her self esteem again. That is what she needs, a trained therapist. Meanwhile, be her friend.

    Thanks, and how would you go about encouraging someone for such a thing with out coming off as rude, or whatever one may come off as?
  • Jun 7, 2012, 11:35 AM
    Wondergirl
    Has she ever brought up therapy or said she's not interested (and why)? Does she talk freely with you about the rape?
  • Jun 7, 2012, 11:41 AM
    Bloodhound8
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Has she ever brought up therapy or said she's not interested (and why)? Does she talk freely with you about the rape?
    She never brought up anything about therapy or anything like that.

    And she only talks to me about the rape, like I am the only person ever 0-0. She is so close with her sister and she hasn't even told her. She is still a little shy, but there is nothing that she and I don't talk about. I think she trusts me... a lot.
  • Jun 7, 2012, 11:45 AM
    Wondergirl
    If she tells you about the rape and trusts you, then you are in the perfect position to lead her into therapy. This won't get fixed without it. Even you as a good friend can't fix it.

    You and she need to team up to find a good counselor. I'm sure the counselor would even allow you into the first session (and maybe more) in order to be her support. If this girl really leans on you, your being there for her might tip the balance and get her to make an appointment.

    Do you need help in finding a good counselor?
  • Jun 7, 2012, 11:47 AM
    Bloodhound8
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    If she tells you about the rape and trusts you, then you are in the perfect position to lead her into therapy. This won't get fixed without it. Even you as a good friend can't fix it.

    You and she need to team up to find a good counselor. I'm sure the counselor would even allow you into the first session (and maybe more) in order to be her support. If this girl really leans on you, your being there for her might tip the balance and get her to make an appointment.

    Do you need help in finding a good counselor?
    That would be great thank you!
  • Jun 7, 2012, 11:50 AM
    Bloodhound8
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    If she tells you about the rape and trusts you, then you are in the perfect position to lead her into therapy. This won't get fixed without it. Even you as a good friend can't fix it.

    You and she need to team up to find a good counselor. I'm sure the counselor would even allow you into the first session (and maybe more) in order to be her support. If this girl really leans on you, your being there for her might tip the balance and get her to make an appointment.

    Do you need help in finding a good counselor?
    Oh and just one question, do you think that me trying to do this, will damage my chances of us getting in a relationship at all? If so, I would rather see her change for the better even if that causes me to be out of the picture... regardless, like I was saying, if so, is there a way I can still get her to do this, while maintaining a possibility of relationship?
  • Jun 7, 2012, 11:51 AM
    Wondergirl
    Are you in school right now or out for the summer? You could ask the guidance counselor at your school for a referral or ask your family doctor or even call the public library reference desk to ask if they have a list of possibilities with good reviews.

    You can Google your town name and counselor and rape to see what pops up.
  • Jun 7, 2012, 01:35 PM
    Bloodhound8
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Are you in school right now or out for the summer? You could ask the guidance counselor at your school for a referral or ask your family doctor or even call the public library reference desk to ask if they have a list of possibilities with good reviews.

    You can Google your town name and counselor and rape to see what pops up.
    Thanks for your help, no I am not in school, I have a career at the moment, I am a railway conductor. I will find a way to get some help. Thank You so much.
  • Jun 7, 2012, 01:59 PM
    Wondergirl
    Please stay in touch.
  • Jun 7, 2012, 02:14 PM
    Bloodhound8
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Please stay in touch.
    I will for sure
  • Jun 7, 2012, 02:48 PM
    babygirl1543
    Sent I'm a girl . And that almost happen to me before... maybe you need to talk to her & let her no you are ALWAYS going to be there for her . & Let her no you Really care about her & you don't want to see her Like this . Don't JUMP to sex real fast . Because she's Probably Scared of Guys touching her ? Or something . So take things easy for her & you should take her out to dinner or something & make her feel that you are the one for her (: hope this helped !
  • Jun 7, 2012, 03:36 PM
    Bloodhound8
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by babygirl1543 View Post
    sent im a girl . and that almost happen to me before...... maybe you need to talk to her & let her no you are ALWAYS going to be there for her . & Let her no you Really care about her & you dont want to see her Like this . dont JUMP to sex real fast . because shes Probably Scared of Guys touching her ? or something . so take things easy for her & you should take her out to dinner or something & make her feel that you are the one for her (: hope this helped !
    That is exactly what I have been doing, thank you so much for your help! I appreciate it :) take care.
  • Jun 7, 2012, 03:58 PM
    JudyKayTee
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by babygirl1543 View Post
    sent im a girl . and that almost happen to me before...... maybe you need to talk to her & let her no you are ALWAYS going to be there for her . & Let her no you Really care about her & you dont want to see her Like this . dont JUMP to sex real fast . because shes Probably Scared of Guys touching her ? or something . so take things easy for her & you should take her out to dinner or something & make her feel that you are the one for her (: hope this helped !

    I'm a victim of rape. Taking her out to dinner isn't going to solve this person's issues.

    I have no idea what "sent Im a girl"... "and that almost happen to me before" makes no sense. What are you trying to say? "Almost" being raped and being raped are two very different things.
  • Jun 7, 2012, 04:22 PM
    Bloodhound8
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by JudyKayTee View Post
    I'm a victim of rape. Taking her out to dinner isn't going to solve this person's issues.

    I have no idea what "sent Im a girl" ... and that almost happen to me before" makes no sense. What are you trying to say? "Almost" being raped and being raped are two very different things.
    You are right, but she is just trying to help, emphasize on the situation. I may not be able to help as much as I would like to, but she was right in saying be there for her and let her know it. But, thank you.
  • Jun 7, 2012, 04:49 PM
    JudyKayTee
    The WORST thing you can do is "let her know" you are there for her IF that involves talking about her issues. If you want to be there in all areas of her life, that's fine. If she wanted to share with you, she would.

    Don't push her.

    And, again, if you haven't been a rape victim you very well may not understand the problems afterward.

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