Ask Me Help Desk - I can't handle my sensitive sister any more

She's 4 years older than me and she doesn't just have issues, SHE SUBCRIBES! We were good friends growing up and got very close in my teenage and early mid twenties. The I got married (later than all my siblings) at 30 and she has been going through years of pain trying to deal with her feelings towards my mother, who on all acounts tried to bring us up the best way she knew but my sister is driving us all crazy with the ranting on and raving how she can't forgive mum for mistreating her. I know she got it harder than all of us because she was "more sensitive" but also had a quick wit and a quick mouth so often copped more from mum and dad than the rest of us. I don't know, over the last couple years since I've been married we've had 3 fallouts. I love her but she makes me loose it when she makes her issues bigger than the real issues we are facing as a family. ( dad leaving mum, my baby sister (27) hospitalised etc). ITS ALWAYS ABOUT HER, and it seems I've had enough of it!

This seems to be a rant. What is your question ?

I have went through something similar to your situation, there is a way to handle it without conflict. Talk to her on the phone but the minute she starts in about how things were say I have to go someone is at the door. In time they do get the hint that you will not listen to it any longer. Another thing I said to my sister was I don't care to relive the past and if that's all you call for then I will just hangup. I did that twice to her and it stopped, now we talk and it is enjoyable conversations.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tickle

this seems to be a rant. What is your question ?

How do you deal with members of your family that are hypersensitive and yet you don't want to accept the baggage they try and bring up on every occasion? (sorry still learning how this works)

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinsign

I have went through something simular to your situation, there is a way to handle it without conflict. Talk to her on the phone but the minute she starts in about how things were say i have to go someone is at the door. in time they do get the hint that you will not listen to it any longer. Another thing i said to my sister was i don't care to relive the past and if thats all you call for then i will just hangup. I did that twice to her and it stopped, now we talk and it is enjoyable conversations.

Iunderstand what you are saying. Just seems cold hearted if I did that, but I guess if it works...

Chillout, I LOVED the part of your post that says she doesn't just have issues, SHE SUBSCRIBES. :p LOL. It sounds like your sister is looking for some sort of validation of what she went through. She doesn't understand why none of you don't tell her she is right and keep on telling her every time she talks about it. I definitely understand your frustration.

I was in the same situation with my brother when I was around your age. It is better now, as we have gotten older and our parents have died. But, one day, when he was going on about it and asking me questions and basically, obsessing as your sister is doing, I asked him why do you keep rehashing these terrible memories? What purpose does it serve? It only makes you very unhappy and it brings everything back up and makes the hurt new all over again. Why are you doing this to yourself? Do you love your family now? Spend your time living in the here and now and enjoy your children. Work on being a better parent than what we had. We can't change what happened. Our parents made A LOT of mistakes. We can't change, we just have to accept it and use the knowledge that we gained from that not to make the same mistakes with our children and each other. Spend time with your family and work on making your kids into good and productive adults. Don't make your problems into everyone else's problems because that negatively just makes people want to push you away. I told him I didn't want to be around him because of it. That I was focusing on my life now and enjoying it.

If you can do this with her, and it doesn't make her stop and think, I would suggest that she go into counseling to find a productive way to work through her anger issues with your Mum. Tell her she deserves to be happy, not miserable and she needs to find a way to move past this. She needs to understand that your other sister's health is more important than her hurt feelings from the past. Then, if she continues, you can say we have already had this discussion, you know exactly how I feel about it and what I think you need to do. And, change the subject.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CHILLOUT

she's 4 years older than me and she doesnt just have issues, SHE SUBCRIBES! We were good friends growing up and got very close in my teenage and early mid twenties. The i got married (later than all my siblings) at 30 and she has been going through years of pain trying to deal with her feelings towards my mother, who on all acounts tried to bring us up the best way she knew but my sister is driving us all crazy with the ranting on and raving how she can't forgive mum for mistreating her. I know she got it harder than all of us cos she was "more sensitive" but also had a quick wit and a quick mouth so often copped more from mum and dad than the rest of us. I dont know, over the last couple years since ive been married we've had 3 fallouts. I love her but she makes me loose it when she makes her issues bigger than the real issues we are facing as a family. ( dad leaving mum, my baby sister (27) hospitalised etc). ITS ALWAYS ABOUT HER, and it seems ive had enough of it!

I agree with RubyPitbull, and instead of talking to her, Write her a letter. Much better, because you cannot be interrupted, and she can read it over. Ask her to digest it for a few days, and THEN call you. My sister is much the same; thinks our parents didn't treat the three of us equally. I at least don't have to hear it anymore, because she doesn't start in front of me. She is 63, so you would think she would be over it.