Ask Me Help Desk - Could he be falling?

I have been dating this guy for about two months. We met online Jan 2nd. We started talking for a few days first online and then on the phone which were 2 hour conversations. We then decided to meet and have been dating every since…. Exclusively. In fact, he was seeing another girl when we met, and broke it off with her to be with me.

The first two dates we had were amazing and we couldn’t wait to see each other again. On the third date he actually stood me up. I was really upset about it... The following day after we were supposed to have our third date, he wrote me an e-card and apologized for standing me up and said that he really liked me a lot but was afraid of his feelings because he thought they were moving fast. So, I decided to give him a second chance and ever since then things have been WONDERFUL. We do see each other quite often. He is very affectionate and very attentive to me… always thinks about me, calls, texts, invites me out with his friends. I have met his family, gives me his code to get into his house if I get there before him or if I just want to hang out there, … He has told me personal stuff about himself.. issues he has. Things seemed tooooo good to be true. Which if that is, most times they probably are. This guy was so great. One of the issues he has was that he belongs to AA. He partied a lot and it just got to the point where he had to do something about it. He has been sober for 2 years and is happy. I also attended a meeting with him. So, I guess in a way that was my “too good to be true” thing. We have very very strong chemistry.

I am absolutely crazy about this guy and have even told him that I am falling for him. He says that he is very happy and the feeling is mutual. However, with one discussion we have had, he told me that he has never told a girl he loved them and meant it, so when he does say it, it will truly be meant. I guess I am a little nervous about this because my feelings are so strong. We did sleep with each other a little less than a month after dating and he has said that he feels closer and more attached to me. He has also said that he is “catching feelings” which I’m not sure exactly what that means, lol.. but I guess it’s good. I know that the words “I love you” are a little too intense for this moment and besides love grows in time… but I am in love. I guess what I’m so paranoid about is if he feels the same way as me with being in love. He says that he feels like he’s falling but that was about 2 weeks ago. The relationship is great… no arguing…no disagreements… we seem to like all the same things and because of my feelings for this guy I’m afraid of getting hurt. My friends from what I describe seem to say that he’s falling, but I don’t really know… I guess what I’m looking for is some insight to calm my nerves a bit. IWhat does everyone think?
:confused:

Well from what I read it sounds like he is falling for you and just to let you know the fighting will start... so enjoy the non-fighing while you can... the thing I would do is sit him down and just let him know how you feel and see what his reaction is most likely he will feel the same way...

He's not a very confrontational person and neither am I... why do you say the fighting will start? Lol... I have told him not in so many words that I'm crazy about him and that I'm falling and he does say that he's "catching feelings" and all the other stuff I said... but I have a hard time with trust. My ex lied to me a lot about the way he felt... and it's hard for me because of that to tell if someone is genuine because he looked so genuine when he would say these things to me... But I guess I just have to think.. new guy... new relationship and give it the benefit of the doubt.

Me and my partner met online. That was just over two years ago now and we live together, and we have never had an argument or a fight or even a cross word! It makes all our friends sick! We just co exist very happily and if we have a problem we talk about it, easy enough. Good luck.

Slow down and enjoy the fun of young love. As long as your enjoying things then stop trying to throw a wrench in the works and take his word for it. You two sure fell fast for each other though.

Devoted, he sounds great. I could possibly work, and time will tell. As you two are not confrontational types, you do need to ask him to communicate as often as he feels necessary when there is a problem, as fighting or not, there will be issues in the long run. The issues and how you two deal with them will be the true test of true love. True love gets past the infatuation and onto the dirty dishes, body odor and bad breath in the morning, occasional farting and... you get the picture.

I started dating my husband after working together for five years. Inside of two months of dating we were married. Scary. He and I are crazy romantics and somehow it has been magical ever since... even with the occasional farting. LOL I wish you two all the best and yes, he probably is beginning to fall for you. You sound great!

By the way, hi squiffy! Have you sent aPERFECTcircle a pic and a bio on myspace? Ask her about it on wondir... if she is still there. Mass exodus I hear... or is that deletededness? Anyway, X1X9X9 knows the site and how to get there. Check it out. Bye.

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Originally Posted by Devoted732

I have been dating this guy for about two months. We met online Jan 2nd. We started talking for a few days first online and then on the phone which were 2 hour conversations. We then decided to meet and have been dating every since…. Exclusively. Infact, he was seeing another girl when we met, and broke it off with her to be with me.

The first two dates we had were amazing and we couldn’t wait to see each other again. On the third date he actually stood me up. I was really upset about it... The following day after we were supposed to have our third date, he wrote me an e-card and apologized for standing me up and said that he really liked me a lot but was afraid of his feelings because he thought they were moving fast. So, I decided to give him a second chance and ever since then things have been WONDERFUL. We do see each other quite often. He is very affectionate and very attentive to me… always thinks about me, calls, texts, invites me out with his friends. I have met his family, gives me his code to get into his house if I get there before him or if I just want to hang out there, … He has told me personal stuff about himself.. issues he has. Things seemed tooooo good to be true. Which if that is, most times they probably are. This guy was so great. One of the issues he has was that he belongs to AA. He partied a lot and it just got to the point where he had to do something about it. He has been sober for 2 years and is happy. I also attended a meeting with him. So, I guess in a way that was my “too good to be true” thing. We have very very strong chemistry.

I am absolutely crazy about this guy and have even told him that I am falling for him. He says that he is very happy and the feeling is mutual. However, with one discussion we have had, he told me that he has never told a girl he loved them and meant it, so when he does say it, it will truly be meant. I guess I am a little nervous about this because my feelings are so strong. We did sleep with each other a little less than a month after dating and he has said that he feels closer and more attached to me. He has also said that he is “catching feelings” which I’m not sure exactly what that means, lol.. but I guess it’s good. I know that the words “I love you” are a little too intense for this moment and besides love grows in time… but I am inlove. I guess what I’m so paranoid about is if he feels the same way as me with being inlove. He says that he feels like he’s fallin but that was about 2 weeks ago. The relationship is great… no arguing…no disagreements… we seem to like all the same things and because of my feelings for this guy I’m afraid of getting hurt. My friends from what I describe seem to say that he’s falling, but I don’t really know… I guess what I’m looking for is some insight to calm my nerves a bit. IWhat does everyone think?
:confused:

Personally i think a lot of guys are afraid of expressing their real feelings. Same with girls or women . Not everyone can fall in love ; and it definitly can't happen over night. "Love at first sight"? Seriously, if you believe in that you probly shouldn't. When you first see someone you can know you like them and want to be with them , but you can't exactly be in love wiht them .
Once you THINK you are in love with this guy , answer this question
' Can I step into his shoes and be him ? Know eveyrthing there is to know about him and be his brain. '
I know it is a little much, but come on . That's what love is to me ... it's no silly little joke
Love is something amazing..
and, if this guy is teeling you his feelings are mutual . same as yours then maybe you should believe, but don't rush it
2 months isn't very long : give it a while.
Find out everything you can about him, if he doesn't seem to want to know everything about you , then maybe he isn't who you thought he was and is not falling in love with you.
If that is the case, then there is osmeone better for you, but good luck and i hope you fall in love with eachother ! : D

It sounds like things are going good so far. Be patient and take your time and alow him to take his. Trying to rush things will kill what you've developed so far.

STOP THE LIGHTS! Yeah it sounds brilliant, and it souds mutual. Please don't worry about his feelings for you, or you will let it get further out of control!
Trust me, I'm going through something similar myself right now :o and gave myself a talking to recently, which went something like this:

He wants to be with you. You enjoy his company more and more and enjoy getting to know him, so don't put pressure on the feelings you are having. Just accept them. Try not to stress or get paranoid about his feelings or lack thereof. If you find yourself getting in a tizzy about his maybe not falling for you, remember something: you don't know him that long. In effect, he is still interviewing for YOUR love OK?

So take it easy. It's fun and exciting, and it sounds promising but try and enjoy it and you will have a better chance of knowing intuitively what you won't need to ask here. Good luck xx

Hi.. Thanks for the responses.. I guess I worry about how he feels because my feelings are so intense and I just want us to be on the same page with each other. I'm probably not as young as you think I am... I am 29.. he is 27. I have had very long term relationships before and so has he... but I have NEVER felt this way about someone. When we first started dating he asked me if I fell quick for other guys I have dated... I said no because I'm very selective with who I date and told him straight that I never had feelings like this for someone before... not even a crush back when I was younger in high school. When I explained above that he stood me up at first.. that was because he felt things were going fast and his feelings were a little intense. Could someone explain to me what it means when someone says they are "catching feelings" and well as what it means to feel attached. I always took attachment as a bad thing.. I guess because looking on my friends past relationships attachment felt as though it was a "needy thing"...

So, you guys don't think I should worry about the way that he feels and you think that he is on the same page with me?

I know that my constant worrying could destroy me lol.. and drive me nuts and that's why I'm seeking advice on here. This site has helped me a lot before! Thanks

Your chances for a good relationship depend on going slow and getting to know each other while your having fun dating. So stop the worrying and enjoy. Communicate and learn each other. And don't drive him nuts please. Two months is not a lot of time together so neither of you should be neglecting the life you had before you met. Keep a healthy balance in your lives. You will have plenty of time down the road, to be joined at the hip.

Oh... well we do have our separate lives and space. He works hard during the days... so do I... He spends time with his friends at nites and I do the same. Usually dinners and stuff because we both aren't the types to hit clubs and bars. When I am with him, we are usually spending a quiet evening or going to dinner with his friends or ourselves... hanging out with his best friend and best friends girlfriend... We do still have our own lives... and we aren't rushing into anything really... just basically taking things as they come... but you can't control how you feel about someone. That just comes naturally.

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but you can't control how you feel about someone. That just comes naturally.

Feeling are great, but good healthy decisions that are thought out, and backed by facts are better. Don't let this old guy scare you though, just have fun. I did. Still am.

With my husband, things went terribly fast. The important things are what made it so. These are the questions you maybe need to check off. Do you share compatible backgtrounds?(my husband and I both have very faithful, still married and religious parents)Do you sare a compatble sense of humor?(We laughed all the time, and still do)Are your core beliefs compatible?(We are both Christians) If not, can you deal with that?(If you can, and you had no different expectations, then good)

Basically, you need to figure out your core needs and find out if he is a good fit... otherwise it will turn out disappointing in the long run.

My hubby and I got married in a whirlwind. We saw only each other every night and talked constantly. It seemed too good to be ture. We married in two months. It wasn't too good to be true... it was just true. He fit the exact specifications I was looking for in a husband and he exceeded my needs. He is dreamy to look at too, which can NEVER hurt. We just had our fifteenth wedding anniversary. We are faithful and complete.

We are an exception though... not the rule by any stretch. Get to know him.

Wow... I think that is awesome about your marriage! I'm scared too because I have never felt these feelings I am having before. Everyone notices a change in me and a sparkle in my eye that they have never seen with any other guy I have been with or spoke about.

We communicate about things all the time. We actually have different backgrounds. His mother has been divorced 3 times... all for a good reason though... she was never happy and I guess had to come to closure that she was gay. However, he does not believe in divorce and wants to make sure that it's definitely the right one when he does get married. He does want to have a structured family with good values as so do I. Our personalities mesh very well. We are always laughing and always very affectionate towards each other. We are both not very religious people. Since he has had an awakening though, he has started praying more, but other than that does not attend services. I was born catholic, but am not very religious. I do believe in Christ and all, but rarely do I attend services. He has a very issues which I could accept and deal with. He is just a great person... very caring and affectionate and will try and do whatever he can to help someone out. I guess it does seem too good to be true... like your situation and I think that's why I'm scared. I'm scared of it going so well and then poof it's over... because like I said, I have never felt these things before.
I know in my last post I asked about what it means to say you are "catching feelings" and about feeling attached? Could someone answer this for me? Thank you

Hi all.. I really need advice. I have been seeing this guy for 2 months. A brief history about him... he's 26.. (I am 29).. he has his own company in which he is busy a lot, has some anxiety, his mother has been divorced a number of times, and he used to drink a lot but now has been sober for 2 years and attends regular AA meetings. The two months of this relationship have been wonderful. Things did move fast... We met and right after that were texting all the time (mostly him texting me), spoke a lot at night (once again, him calling me) and hung out a lot... He always wanted to see me and be around me. Would tell me that he's attached, catching feelings, etc... Finally he asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted and things were great! We get along great.. no arguments.. he is a cuddler... wanting me to be happy. I have heard from his friends how happy he is with me... and he has told my friends that he is happy and hopes I am... Tells me that his feelings are strong and he feels close and attached but not ready to use the L word yet... He has a fear of using that word. Has never said it and meant it, so when he does use it, it's going to mean a lot...

Well... we had a slight mishap. He had an exgirlfriend that he broke up with for me that has been constantly calling him... I told him how I felt about that and he said that he would stop the communication. Well, the other day I slept at his house and had to wake up early for work. My cell phone was dead so I used his to send myself a reminder about something so I wouldn't forget. I went into his inbox to send a reply to myself since there are a million texts from me... and saw a text from her in there. Well, I was curious and I looked and did not like what I saw. Apparently, there were texts going back and forth. He would tell her that he missed her, wanted to see her... etc... Well, with that, I got upset and confronted him about it. I told him that he could have her... and Well, what he said was he got confused and scared about the way he felt about me. And when he told me he was on the phone with his friend for 2 hours, they were talking about his commitment issues and how he feels close to someone and then gets scared and pulls away... and he then decided everything with that other girl was going to end because he wanted to see where our relationship went. He was upset at the fact that I looked through his phone and I told him that I did not do that deliberately... which he is trusting me on.. but nonetheless upset. I told him I was upset at the fact he told me he wasn't going to talk to her and did...

After all this, we spoke and things were OK. We had a great night on Friday. Hung out just the two of us... watched movies, had pizza... and went to sleep... The next day was great too... woke up, fooled around, he wanted me to come back early so we could go to dinner and watch TV and cuddle... I said OK... then we left and everything was A-ok.

Well, later yesterday I got a text from him that said, "I have been thinking a lot and think we need to slow down. I need to straighten out a few things"... With that I called him and I went to see him last night. We spoke again about slowing things down. He said he didn't want to lose me in his life and knows that he has commitment issues... and he is stressed with his job.. He said that he felt things were going fast... that he liked me more than a lot but was unsure... like if he wanted a girlfriend, if he didn't... but didn't want to lose me. He wants to still see me. Of course I got upset and cried and said how could I still see u? Well after speaking I told him that it was OK to slow things down but that I wanted to continue the relationship... we would just take things at a slower pace. He was OK with this. We then went out to dinner and had a great time and cuddled and watched movies and went to sleep. This morning he wanted me to stay... Wanted me to relax with him and watch some TV and order food. I told him that I had to go home to do stuff. I wanted him to have his alone time, so I left. He then told me to call him later... and I said OK... before I left, I told him once again I was OK with the slowing things down and everything as long as we still were going out... and he said good... I told him to stop thinking and just enjoy everything...

Now.. the thing is... I'm scared... I am head over heels crazy about this guy... I don't understand the commitment thing and the being scared stuff... I mean, I do, but not fully... I'm also unsure about what I should do at this stand point. I do not want to lose him and the relationship. I have not been this happy since sliced bread lol... Do I not call him back when he calls and give space? Do I not call him first? Do I not always make myself available and let him pursue me so he could see what it is he is missing? I was always staying there a lot and going to see him every time he wanted. Is it possible to rewind a little slowly? Please.. any advice someone has would be great.. I need all I can get. He did tell me that he loves having me in his life.. doesn't want to lose me.. and thinks I'm a good catch.. thinks I would be good in the future... Please help!:confused: :(

Just to put all my cards on the table here... I don't see anything wrong with being very slow and very careful about commitment. Its important enough of a deal that one should be that mindful about it. Labeling him as having "commitment issues" seems a bit one sided to me. The other side of that is he has a pretty full plate (owns a business and in early recovery) and a lot at stake when he does commit so I would suggest to him that he take all the time in the world he needs to about such important stuff. If that doesn't suit his partner, then perhaps the partner needs someone faster or look at what's the big rush here?

Secondly, you two would be wise to slow down, not be exclusive with each other for a while, and let each of your pasts be your separate pasts. Two months is barely serious dating for many people.

The number one way to ruin a good thing is to rush it. Trust takes time to build, time and honorable actions both. Please consider this in all your future decisions and let this relationship build naturally. The way you slow it down is to say yes most of the time and no part of the time, making it clear its not a rejection but an attempt to slow things down.

Thanks for the advice. Do you think it's possible to slow things down with each other and take it from there with everything being said I explained above? He was the one that said himself that he has commitment issues.. so I'm not labeling him.. just quoting what he told me... He gets scared and close and pulls away. Do you have any suggestions on how I would take things slow? Let him pursue me kind of deal?

You must slow down and give each of you time to know each other and not put pressure on this still new relationship. This is the time for having fun and enjoying each others company. At this stage you learn to trust and communicate with each other and work together to make time for fun. That doesn't mean smothering each other and losing the lives you already have without each other though.

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Do you have any suggestions on how I would take things slow?

Respecting his privacy and not being possessive would be a great start. Giving him the space to deal with the issues in his own life, and not expecting his undivided attention when your apart. You both should be free to do the things you enjoy without the other with out jealousy or temper.

Tal.. I appreciate your response and I agree with what you are saying. We were both in the wrong with the whole ex text message thing... I am friendly with his friends girlfriend and she had just told me that his friend told her, "He doesn't want to break up with her, he just wants to slow things down"... What exactly is slowing things down? I am not the type of person that needs him to contact me 24/7... or see me all the time in order to make me happy. I love the time that we do get together... whether it's going out or watching movies.. it's always fun! He did tell me that when he gets close he shuts down and pushes away because of his fear or commitment and being scared. Do you think this has anything to do with this? And would it be possible that slowing things down would help us?