Hi!I love a girl to whom I wanted to get married desperately.I had always one mis-conception in mind that one has to be very very honest about the past to ones spouse so that they know whom they are getting married to.I in this state of mind confessed to her that I was sexually abused as a child of 5-6 years old and then when I reached 12 years I abused my cousin&then another female cousin(whose both names I did'nt disclose to her.she accepted me whole heartidily and said that she respects me more than before now&she understood that my abuse to my cousins was the result of abuse to me as a child.our relationship was running smoothly.but now suddenly I'm getting extreme fear of her that she knows a lot about me&might expose,degrade or taunt me during bad times in a relation.(although she's not that type)i gave her little hints even about the person I abused.now I'm scared that it might get exposed&also the people involved in it.(although they are living their life nicely&i have sought forgiveness from them&they have forgiven me).now on one hand this girl loves me a lot&i loved her too(but now these fears have started to come between my relation)what should I do?although I'm working now and telling her all these abuses were just superficial but what if she asks those people(by suspicion)?should I get married to her because she loves me a lot&my family is happy with her&hers with mine.this confession which I did with the intention of being honest with her is turning against me&is the only problem in my sense in this relation.kindly help.I'm in depression.

You've already opened the door for her curiosity. If she loves you, believes and trusts you, why would she question the other people involved?

Only you know if she will turn on you, report you, talk to your relatives, something else.

Have you expressed your concerns to her?

What do you mean by the abuses you performed were "superficial"? Abuse of a child is just that - abuse of a child.

Sexual assault is sexual assault, and there are no excuses and no justifying such a crime as 'superficial'.

Was there no family member of the two cousins you sexually assaulted, that became aware of what you had done? You do realize that such an event in someone's life, isn't just 'forgotten'.

I presume there were multiple attacks on each cousin, and no doubt that at some point, you won't have to worry about your fiancé spilling the beans, it will be one of your victims. What may be accepted and forgiven, is not a guarantee that you won't eventually be exposed for what you did to them.

They too will go on to have fiancé's, and if they are as honest as you say you are, they will likely explain what had happened to themselves, because of you. If you think you are in the clear, think again.

The memories to yourself, and to your victims, will never go away. I don't know what you did about the person who sexually attacked you- did you tell anyone, did the police get involved? Did you have counselling. Left untreated, nothing has been resolved, and you have not had any help yourself (I am assuming) in your own past, let alone why you made the decision to assault others.

Now that you are old enough to get married, clearly you yourself can see the possible results of your past actions. It has already affected two generation- how do you know that a third generation (your own children) won't be abused by you.

As to advice on continuing to worry about your 'secret' being exposed by your fiancé, in all honesty, I hope it is exposed. And if she calls off the wedding because of your past, and what you did to your cousins, perhaps it is time to switch from worrying about being 'outed', and more about getting yourself into counselling.

Recidivism is very common in sexual offenders. I hope your fiancé thinks twice about marrying you.

You people are getting me wrong.I have very very deep regret of what happened through me to the cousins.I have very seriously repented for it almost 15 years ago&have never repeated or god forbid intend to repeat such a thing.someone taught me something at the age of 5 or 6.it was left untreated so I tried it on 2 others because I was just a confused kid.it was a kind of vampire syndrome.I did not decide to assault others but my past memories came to my mind&i tried the same.I thank god that I'm healed and am trying my best to heal my victims too&have asked forgiveness from them.they have moved on in life and thank god that they are more successful than me.you are calling me a sex offender?? what about me?? I was abused at a tender age of 5 or 6?? you are getting wrong impression of me.

Now I'm trying to carry on despite of all what I have seen in my life,so that they also carry on and marry and have children and protect them and show them the right kind of life.

You were a victim of sexual assault, yes. It is a terrible, life long devastating event in anyone's life. But, you yourself imply that you 'got over it', and I note you failed to mention how exactly you did that, i.e. counselling, police charges, etc.

You went on to sexually assault not one, but two cousins. At some point you stopped- and you imply that you managed to stop yourself- most likely it is because the risk was too great to carry on- just a guess on my part.

What you did you may learn to live with, and the twisted generational component to this has now involved other victims, and their relationships and lives. Them 'forgiving you' does not mean that they will re-live the abuse, and that it will affect, as it has with you, their relationships down the road.

I understand exactly what you are saying. You are worried about keeping this secret, and covering your , and you are terrified that your fiancé may break this silence and it will affect you in ways you cannot imagine. It is only after you told her, that you begin to understand now what you have done- cannot ever be removed from anybody's memory. Particularly your victims. And they were victims, and you are responsible for sexual assault, and you've admitted it.

So, what do I need to understand? Are you saying the sexual assaults weren't that bad? That nobody cares about it any more (the victims), and you've not assaulted anyone in 15 years? Wow. Whoop de do.

I really don't care what you do, but if you think you'll get advice from me on how to help you cope with the consequence of telling the truth to your fiancé, think again.

There is nothing nice, or accepting about people who sexually assault children. Had you been stopped when your two cousins were sexually assaulted by you, you would have (hopefully) paid for your crimes, even at age 12 (if that's true), by spending some time in some sort of remedial, non- voluntary, intensive therapy to help you understand why you did what you did was wrong.

And, because your history of sexual assault on children, you should have been registered on a sex offender registry, although lucky for you, you were not found out, and you were, apparently only 12.

It is your selfish fears (being found out) that drive you to get 'help'. Not remorse, not recommended counselling, not how you can be sure you won't abuse your own, or anybody elses' children. You lack sincerity, and your needs are selfish.

I have little to add to what my colleague, Jake, said - and she said it better than I will/can.

Let's see - you were assaulted and so you assaulted two children but now you don't want those assaults addressed because you want them to "carry on and marry and have children and protect them and show them the right kind of life." You have no idea if they each went on to molest two children and so forth -

The assaults were the result of a Vampire Syndrome? How old are you, anyway? Talk about not taking responsibility...

You people are not understanding me I guess.I stopped it when I realized that its something very wrong.when I realized what has been done through me I nearly died,I every day regret regret and regret what has happened through me.its a very great pain to bear.when the memories of my child abuse came to my mind again after it had happened I was barely 10 years old although my first cousin seemed to like it in someway because when we did it first time,second time that person called me and told me to do it again.this cousin was three years younger than me.then one day this person's mother caught us&it stopped.now I had learnt something which I seemed to like because I did'nt know what it was,so I started it with other cousin who was six years younger than me.eventually we got into that act&i always told this person that please if I call you next time than please don't come but when I called this person came(I don't know the reason why)this person even after three years when the abuse had stopped(by my own conscience)once tried to latch the room and touch my thighs but I resisted like anything and did'nt do anything because I had deeply realized that it was terribly wrong.you are very mad by telling me that I god forbid,god forbid might abuse my children(dont again say this as this is making me angry)how could you even say this?? I once did go to a psychiatrist and explained to him everything(written)as I was very ashamed to talk about it.he told me that the abuse that I had done were the result of the abuse that had been done on me.he also told me that he labels me as a sufferer(which I did'nt understand what he meant by that)he advised me to come out of it as told me that its post traumatic stress dis-order.I am accepting the responsibility for my part,because of that only I sought forgiveness from them&still wish to ask a lot and lot of forgiveness from them but I feel&hope what if they have come out of it&me asking forgiveness again and again might re-ignite the memory in them.I just pray and pray that they get healed.what else could I do?am I not right if I don't want my past to affect my future or my relation?you are saying that you wish that it is exposed?why are you saying like that?

Being told you're a child abuser (which you are) who very well may abuse again makes you angry? You have GOT to be joking!

I see you blaming other, younger people for your actions. You told a younger child you had abused not to come back for more abuse if you asked him to - ?

Please - you should be brought to the attention of the authorities. You are accepting responsibility for YOUR PART of the abuse? You were dealing with younger children.

It's ALL your fault!

And, by the way, I understand you very, very well.

Hey stop accusing me!someone had tried to make me that but its me who knows what it took for me to come out of that.I know what I am right now.you need not to tell me.but as far as I'm understanding you are surely an abuser the way you are accusing me.

You are accusing ME of being an abuser? You have just crossed the line.

How dare you! You are one sick individual. You sexually abused two children, excused your behavior and now you're accusing ME of this illegal, immoral behavior?

Again - you are one sick individual.

I apologize for calling you that.o.k if I'm what you are calling me.what in your sense should I do?&what in your sense should be done to me?

You described the abuse as being 'superficial' to your girlfriend, and that your victims are okay with it and are fine. You now worry, after confessing to her, that that information may be checked out by her. She may talk to the victims herself.

Is it likely, or not likely that they will tell her, that their abuse by you, was 'superficial', and that they are 'fine with it'. Or do you think they will have a different story, that will upset the apple cart.

You likely told her enough to ease your mind, but not enough of the detail to have her think there was/is an actual problem with you. Again, this is all about you isn't it.

To minimize what you have done to the victims, and minimize the truth to your girlfriend, is only to protect yourself. Without her being able to know the truth, she is risking her future with you.

While apparently having had therapy yourself, and your therapist apparently blaming what you did to your cousins were a result of, and caused by, the sexual assaults on yourself, I see nothing of substance in your own accountability of your own actions.

That you were sexually assaulted yourself, and went on to sexually assault two others, does not cancel out what you chose to do to your cousins. While you may have stopped (because you had been caught by your aunt), it isn't likely from what you've written, that you would have otherwise. But I believe that you had the awareness to know that once you were found out, you stopped.

It was after that point that you realized what you did was caused by what was done to you, apparently. I'm saying that at the behaviour of a sex offender depends upon secrecy, planning, opportunity, manipulation, and control. At any point before being found out by your aunt, you could have stopped ALL those behaviours that you knew were wrong. But you didn't. You did not stop on your own accord, or stop because you suddenly felt so remorseful that you couldn't live with yourself.

Had you not been stopped, you would have carried on. But the thing about sexual assault is that 'just superficial' behaviour as you described it, or that it happened only a few times, is no different in the result to the victim.

And asking for, and receiving their forgiveness is just as superficial as you asking for it in the first place. What do you expect them to say or do when you ask to be forgiven. Maybe like you, they won't be faced with a crisis over the assaults until they are older, or perhaps their relationships too will suffer along with themselves esteem and confidence. Maybe they just want you to go away because they don't want you around and said they forgive you. Forgiveness in any form, doesn't mean that they will not be affected by what you did to them- they will be.

Had you, after your own assaults, not realized that what was done to you was wrong, and wrong enough that it was not something you wouldn't do to another living soul, we would be having another conversation entirely here.

But that you made choices yourself when you were old enough to know what was done to you was wrong, and you carried on with your own plan to sexually assault two cousins, goes beyond blaming your behaviour entirely as a result of being assaulted yourself.

It is easy to shift the blame, and thus the guilt and remorse, in an apology because it was 'really' caused by someone else. If you take that kind of backdoor thinking, you could apply it to anything, to excuse any behaviour.

I do believe that you could have not repeated the pattern in other words, had you chose instead a different path. You even imply the victims victimized themselves, by you telling them not to come over, yet they did, and thus gave you 'permission' to sexually assault them.

There is no help that I can think of, particularly in an open forum such as this one, that would ever be enough where you would feel vindicated as feeling you don't deserve to have to worry about your sexual assault of two children.

You show no understanding of why your fiancé may want to verify and investigate further who you are, and what your stories are all about. If you had said to me what you said to her, I'd be first checking the sex offender registry, and thinking long and hard about marrying a person who had sexually assaulted children.

You can blame the person who assaulted you until the cows come home, but it is your own actions that you will forever be held accountable for. And as I said, had you not gone on and assaulted your cousins with awareness and knowledge that it was WRONG, and stopped yourself, we would have another conversation entirely.

This is my greatest concern.what can&what should I do so that the people who got this pain through me are completely healed?until &unless they are not healed I'll also be in pain.I would like to add that I did not have complete awareness&knowledge that it was wrong but at the back of my mind I had a small feeling that it was'nt right too.I DID STOP MYSELF because no one caught me the second time.it was my own conscious which stopped me because I had grown a little bit(at the age of 14 or 15&it never happened after that).my second victim even tried to arouse me&close the door&touch my legs in a sexual way once after that but at that time I had fully realized that it was wrong,so I closed my eyes,neglected her&resisted strongly.the only thing which happened after that was at the age of 21 my friends hired a call girl&i had encounter with her.next day I felt so guilty that I can't even explain&then few days later I was going to home&on the way an older man sexually assaulted me.I felt so traumatized that I left that city.it still haunts me like anything.it was at the age of 22 I realized that sexual activity outside marriage was a sin.I had a feeling that it was wrong from before also but when I realized it was such a big sin,I was terrified at myself.once again I started feeling guilty as hell of what had happened by me.I'm trying my best to be a very religious man since then&i thank god for that.I want to live a godly life&pray for the complete healing of the people who had to suffer because of me.I wish it could have never ever happened.now I want to start living a life on the right path&i don't want that my past affects my spouse or my future in anyway&hope&pray that those two people who suffered through me are also completely&completely healed and live a happy life and forget the past.