Too Late, He's Long Dead
The orthopaedic surgeon I work for was moving to a new office, and his staff was helping transport many of the items.
I sat the display skeleton in the front of my car, and had fastened the seatbelt around it to stop it falling over. I hadn't considered the drive across town.
At one traffic light, the stares of the people in the car beside me became obvious, and I looked across and explained, "I'm delivering him to my doctor's office."
The other driver leaned out of his window. "I hate to tell you, man," he said, "but I think it's too late!"
Ice Cream Flavors
The young man entered the Ice Cream Palace and asked, "What kinds of ice cream do you have?"
"Vanilla, chocolate, strawberry," the girl wheezed as she spoke, patted her chest and seemed unable to continue.
"Do you have laryngitis?" the young man asked sympathetically.
"Nope," she whispered, "just vanilla, chocolate and strawberry
Police House Calls
My partner and I were in our police car when we were dispatched to break up a domestic dispute. We spoke with the couple and the problem was quickly resolved.
On leaving, I was admiring the craftsmanship of their turn-of-the-century home and reached for what I thought was the front door.
Realizing my mistake, I was turning away in embarrassment when I heard my partner say, "If you have any more problems, we'll be in your closet."
An Elderly Woman's Portrait
An elderly woman decided to have her portrait painted. She instructed the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings, an emerald necklace, a ruby bracelet, and a Rolex watch."
"But you're not wearing any of those things!" the artist said.
"I know," she replied. "But if I should die before my husband, I'm sure he'll remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry!"
Philosophy and Mathematics
Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.
Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.
