I can't believe I'm typing this right now. I guess it must be a cry for help. I've never done this (putting out my feelings like this), but what the hell. I guess I have shared a lot of this with my therapist and dr. I'm sorry to everyone that say's (where' the ?). I don't know.

I'm 51 yrs old, divorced 1 year ago, lost my house, lost a very high paying job and now broke, lost my car and license, my 2 children (young adults) will have nothing to do with me, I'm an alcoholic (6 months sober),.

Everyone's got problems, I know that. Worst of all is I know I brought most of these problems upon myself. I've always said I won't kill myself because of the damage it will do to the ones that care (that's assuming there is someone who cares); But, I'm beginning to think that's not a good reason. I'm so tired of it all. I think when my kids said they want nothing to with nme, that was my breaking point. I'm sure not scared of death, I'm now seem to be wishing for it.

I have been working real hard on taking care of myself - aa meetings 3 x per week, sponsor I talk to regularly, therapist (group and individual) weekly, psychiatrist, taking my meds, physician for blood pressure and physical, exercising,.

I think I've hit the wall. Once again, I must be crying for help, but I don't thinks there's much that can be said to me that others haven't already said.

Thank you for listening and god bless everyone.

After thought - as you can see I do have some faith in a higher power, but that doesn't seem to be enough. Sorry for rambling.

You've come to a good site. Welcome! We won't solve all your problems, but various members will give you ideas and new ways to look at your life.

I have to eat a pb sandwich for lunch (before I faint with hunger), but I will be back after I mull over your situation.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

You've come to a good site. Welcome! We won't solve all your problems, but various members will give you ideas and new ways to look at your life.

I have to eat a pb sandwich for lunch (before I faint with hunger), but I will be back after I mull over your situation.

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I'm sure glad I didn't have a rope around my neck, or a knife to my throat, waiting for a response from you that might stop me. Hope your sandwich was good. Have a great day!

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Originally Posted by klo51

I'm sure glad I didn't have a rope around my neck, or a knife to my throat, waiting for a response from you that might stop me. Hope your sandwich was good. Have a great day!

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I was just testing you. :D And now it's lunchtime again.

So has life improved and will you stick around here?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I was just testing you. :D And now it's lunchtime again.

So has life improved and will you stick around here?

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Go have lunch. If you never here from me, you know the answer. Haven't decided yet. I can say, I wish I was dead right now.

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Originally Posted by klo51

Go have lunch. If you never here from me, you know the answer. Haven't decided yet. I can say, I wish I was dead right now.

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*hrumph* I refuse to eat again until you say you will stick around. I have ideas for you.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

*hrumph* I refuse to eat again until you say you will stick around. I have ideas for you.

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I can say, I won't do it today. I pray every night for God to give me the strength to go on and not hurt the people that may care through my selfish act suicide. Its worked so far, but I don't know how long. I don't mean to sound overly dramatic, but that's the way it is right now. I wanted to reply so you don't die of starvation. I wouldn't want that on my concience. Take care. Kevin

Jesus, OK, I don't want you to commit suicide, in fact I really don't, but how much of an attention seeker are you being
Seriously, I think if everything has gone wrong, then do what a family friend of mine did (who had depression). He just sold everything he had and changed country, he was 61 so much older than you, so no excuses!
I don't know where you're from, but he left the UK to go to USA to live in California, and has now settled in San Francisco and is completely happy. He also looks on those days as ridiculous and is so happy with his choice.
In all honesty, I think committing suicide is the weak way out, and is incredibly selfish. My friends mum did it on her birthday, and she has said she will never celebrate her birthday ever again, she cries every year because of it. Do you want to be that selfish to your children? You say they don't speak to you anymore, probably because of your alcohol issues and life choices. It doesn't mean they won't miss you if you're gone.

Grow up, you have a responsibility to your children, and you owe it to them to fix everything between you and them and to be the best parent ever. And you owe it to yourself to put all your money together and go to that country you've always wanted to. Don't moan and actually go for it. Make a bucket list/100 things to do before you die, and make sure you complete them!

One day at a time is all any of us can manage. Now for hard salami on Pepperidge Farm white bread. And a glass of water.

Do you like to write? I notice you are good at expressing yourself.

I'm done with my lunch so I have time to write a little bit too.
Do you mind if I ask how long it's been since your children dropped this bomb on you?
Could it be that the wound is to fresh yet to have you thinking anything but the negative?
It seems you have done many positive things with AA meetings, trying to take care of your health, etc, etc. Surely your children see this.
Old thought process I know, but one day at a time is the best any of us can do, we all have low points, I've been in the position of only having upward to go.
You've already tackled one of the most difficult parts of self-healing, admitting your faults and taking action. That is a giant step.

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Originally Posted by tombourlet

Jesus, ok, I don't want you to commit suicide, in fact I really don't, but how much of an attention seeker are you being
Seriously, I think if everything has gone wrong, then do what a family friend of mine did (who had depression). He just sold everything he had and changed country, he was 61 so much older than you, so no excuses!
I don't know where you're from, but he left the UK to go to USA to live in California, and has now settled in San Francisco and is completely happy. He also looks on those days as ridiculous and is so happy with his choice.
In all honesty, I think commiting suicide is the weak way out, and is incredibly selfish. My friends mum did it on her birthday, and she has said she will never celebrate her birthday ever again, she cries every year because of it. Do you want to be that selfish to your children?? You say they don't speak to you anymore, probably because of your alcohol issues and life choices. It doesn't mean they wont miss you if you're gone.

Grow up, you have a responsiblity to your children, and you owe it to them to fix everything between you and them and to be the best parent ever. And you owe it to yourself to put all your money together and go to that country you've always wanted to. Don't moan and actually go for it. Make a bucket list/100 things to do before you die, and make sure you complete them!!

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Thanks for the reply. You're right it is so self centered to consider suicide. I'm just thinking about too much lately.By putting it out here, I'm unknown and I guess I'm hoping to here something that helps. I'm tire of talking to people I know about my problems. Everyone's got them and I'm not unique. I hope every day I wake up and I remember why I need to live and I "grow up" and do the right thing. Ill keep trying every day to do that and things may get better. Only God knows. Thank you. Kevin.

I'm back. Did I miss anything? Oh, you didn't answer my question about writing.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

I'm back. Did I miss anything? Oh, you didn't answer my question about writing.

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Thanks for the reply's. One thing I do know, it is one day at a time. Sometimes, like now, I've got to tell myself that over and over again, so I don't begin staring at the past or dwell on the future, just concentrate on what I can control today.

Regarding writing - I don't write often. I've had my therapist and others mention the bennefit of keeping a journal and writing my thoughts down. Maybe I should try it. Its just that sometimes I get tired of all these things I've been doing to take care of myself. For some reason I start beating myself up at times. Ill think things like "just grow up and be a man". Sorry I'm rambling now. What are thoughts about writing. I did notice that you've written 4 books on your profile. Thanks for the messages. I know what I need to do; I just got to take care of what I can and let the rest go. I kind of feel like a 5 year old right now just whinning about my problems. I guess that's why I'm doing it here, because I'm sick of telling friends.

Thanks
Kevin

Yup, three books on Texas history and one on Illinois history plus three magazine articles (one on an historic Chicago building and two about people with Asperger's).

Naw, I don't mean write about you and journaling and stuff like that. Write a fictional short story or something totally away from life as you know it. A cyber friend in NJ sends me first sentences and then I write a 1500-word story based on where I think that sentence will go. One of my favorites was his first sentence, "The lake froze early that winter, but Ivan didn’t emerge from his cabin until January."