Ask Me Help Desk - How can I stop the double standard?

My fiancé watches porn on a daily basis. He will watch it at 5 in the morning. And on some level it bothers me. Which is weird because I'm not against porn at all. And I watch it myself. He says it's an escape but I also know that he masturbates as well, and so do I. It does not interfere with our sex life. We are very open to try new things with each other. I know he is attracted to me and that he is very well satisfied. So how do I stop the double standard? He doesn't get upset when I watch it (we've even watched it together), I don't understand why it eats at me that he watches it.

Probably because you think he is comparing you to the porn stars. That you don't have the perfect body that the porn star does. You think he is unsatisfied with your sex life so he resorts to it. He is getting off and not because of you.

Take a deep breath and realize these truths:
1). He is with you. He loves you in all your imperfect goodness.
2). Your sex life is fine.
3). He is with you. He loves you. This is important.

It isn't a reflection on you. He still wants to have sex with you. Just remember that.

It is really a mental block on your part. It is the rational versus the emotional mind. The rational mind says it is fine, and the emotional says, "But it is not me!!" You just need to get your emotional mind to say, 'but it is okay that it isn't me.'

Cheers!

You may also have a less than ideal confidence in your own attractiveness.
The extreme example is the pretty woman who starves herself, thinking she's unattractive until she's skin and bones. It doesn't matter what the reality is; it's how you perceive yourself. So you need to work on yourself confidence.
You also need a practical test: are you willing to indulge in this double standard at the risk of losing him? I suspect you aren't. It's selfish to watch porn and not want him to.
So force yourself to tackle the emotion when it hits. Put a dollar in a jar each time, sit down, think it out. At the end of the month buy him something.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

Probably because you think he is comparing you to the porn stars. That you don't have the perfect body that the porn star does. You think he is unsatisfied with your sex life so he resorts to it. He is getting off and not because of you.

Take a deep breath and realize these truths:
1). He is with you. He loves you in all your imperfect goodness.
2). Your sex life is fine.
3). He is with you. He loves you. This is important.

It isn't a reflection on you. He still wants to have sex with you. Just remember that.

It is really a mental block on your part. It is the rational versus the emotional mind. The rational mind says it is fine, and the emotional says, "But it is not me!!" You just need to get your emotional mind to say, 'but it is okay that it isn't me.'

Cheers!

You know you are so onto something. I can see that. I know that I am attractive, but you are right that could be it. Thanks for your insight and help. I will have to work on getting my emotional mind to say its OK. So far I'm doing good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

You may also have a less than ideal confidence in your own attractiveness.
The extreme example is the pretty woman who starves herself, thinking she's unattractive until she's skin and bones. It doesn't matter what the reality is; it's how you perceive yourself. So you need to work on your self confidence.
You also need a practical test: are you willing to indulge in this double standard at the risk of losing him? I suspect you aren't. It's selfish to watch porn and not want him to.
So force yourself to tackle the emotion when it hits. Put a dollar in a jar each time, sit down, think it out. At the end of the month buy him something.

I don't really have an issue with self confidence. Maybe some insecurities but all females do. I'm just not that catty about it. I have not asked him to stop nor have I said to him I don't like it. Because I'm not the type to control another. It's a personal issue I'm trying to resolve without making it a big deal
Because I know that's the right thing to do. And it doesn't need to be blown out of proportion. But you insight is good and that idea is certainly a great one. Thanks for the help.

And you should be glad he is honest about it, not lying about it and not hiding it. And it is a jealous issue, and in some ways, women see it differently than men see it. Men just look, they always look and will always look, most women are not as visual.