Ask Me Help Desk - My husband doesn't like the way I kiss?

Me and my husband have been married 2 and a half years and have been together 9 and a half years. I love him very much and he is very good to me, but we've had this problem since the beginning. Or more like I've had this problem. So first off he doesn't ever try to make out with me. He just wants to give me hugs and pecks, or kisses but not open mouth. The only time we "make out" is when we end up having sex, which isn't often (like once or twice a month), I wish it was more, but that's not what this post is about. When we do make out, he pushes his face against mine, he doesn't tilt his head at all (so our noses smash into each other), and he doesn't have any rhyme or rhythm with his tongue. He is kind of all over the place (I hate to describe it like this, but sort of like a snake)? It isn't bad, I just wish he'd be open to the way I like to kiss. I like to tilt my head a little bit, I like to be a bit more gentle and slow and sensual about it. And to find a rhythm with it or with our tongues. Also I like to kiss on his neck, cheek, maybe suck on his neck a little.. but he doesn't like that at all. He says it tickles. So I try to just peck his neck but it still tickles. So my thing is I occasionally ask him if he'd try to let me show him how I like to kiss. I try to do this maybe 2-4 times a year? And every time I end up getting my feelings hurt. I kiss him the way I like to kiss for a few minutes, and then I ask him if he likes it? And he always tells me that it feels weird or not natural to him. It breaks my heart because some of these times I've felt chemistry with him and emotion that I don't usually feel.. and for him not to feel that also breaks me heart. I just don't understand why he can't be more open to it. I'm not asking him to do anything weird. To give a little history about me I've had quite a few relationships before him and they all loved the way I kissed and I never had any problems with this with any past boyfriends. They always tried to make out with me all the time. And every person I've ever kissed would tilt their head a little and they all did the same stuff as me like kissing/ sucking a little on the neck etc.

This has been an issue for so long and it just boggles my mind that it's even an issue! I mean it's one thing to maybe not like the way someone kisses... but you'd think over time there would be a compromise about it? The other thing is is he never wants to make out in the first place. He just never thinks about it. He just likes to cuddle by me while we watch t.v. And give me hugs and little kisses. Which is nice but I feel like that isn't that intimate. If we haven't had sex or made out for 2 weeks I start to get really lonely. It can be hard for me to lay next to him at night because I wish so bad I could just tackle him and kiss him the way I naturally would. But I can't because I can't just be myself and kiss him however. I use to try, but I would get my feelings hurt because he'd say it feels weird or tickles etc. So I stopped kissing like I want to and I just go along with the way he likes it. It sucks I can't be my natural self with him. I feel like I've repressed myself. I use to be really confident with how I was. But now I get nauseous anytime I think about trying to kiss him because I know there might be some sort of rejection. He knows how important this is to me and loves me so much but why can't he compromise with this? It upsets me time and time again but he can't just try to be open minded and let me kiss him like I like to? We are not talking anything weird!! Just small things like tilting his head and trying to kiss me back like I'm kissing him. That's it! Why is it so hard? I know we need counseling and we will get counseling. But what do you think the advice will be? How do we work on this??

We have had this fight many many times. It got so bad tonight that we both felt sick to our stomaches and he actually threw up (that has never happened). :-( He knows how big of a deal this is to me. But why is it so hard for him??

He is a big people pleaser and I asked him why he can tell his dad he likes certain music when he really doesn't, but when it comes to the way I kiss he can't just go along with it sometimes? I go along with the way he kisses all the time. You'd think I was a terrible kisser. I'm really not. I know I'm not. I just don't know how to fix this?

I don't know where to begin - you've been married for 2-1/2 years, ou have sex once or twice a month (but that's not a problem), open mouth kissing is uncomfortable for him for some reason.

Was open mouth kissing uncomfortable for him before you got married?

You get nauseous when you think about kissing him because he might reject your open-mouth kisses? You've lost confidence over this?

I don't understand the connection between lying to his father about the type of music he likes and refusing your open-mouth kisses. Apparently telling someone a "white lie" to avoid an argument is not offensive to him. Open mouth kissing is.

I'm not sure what the issue truly is.

Sorry if I was confusing.

Having sex only once or twice a month is a problem. The very first post I've ever made was about that. I didn't want to make this post about that. I wanted to get help about our kissing problem.

His is fine with open mouth kissing, it just has to be his way. But he only open mouth kisses me when it leads up to sex. Never just because he wants to. Usually he just gives me hugs and pecks.

What he is uncomfortable with is the way I want to kiss. I want to tilt my head a little sideways, he wants our head completely straight (to the point that our noses mash together). I sometimes try to get him to be more gentle with his face but he says its hard for him to do that. And he thinks tilting our head when we kiss is weird. And he doesn't like what I do with my tongue. Which is hard to explain. But he wants to kiss kind of like darting his tongue in my mouth. When he does let me kiss him the way I want to kiss I ask if if he liked it and he says he'd rather do it his way. So that's what we do most of the time. But still we don't make out often. Maybe a few times a month.

I don't understand why he can't be open minded and try to like the way I kiss. I'm not doing anything weird. He seems rigid about what he likes. I can hardly kiss his neck or anything because he says it's ticklish.

I was just trying to explain that he is a big people pleaser. He will tell others he likes something even if he doesn't. He tends to want to please people. But when it comes to this he's not.

He just doesn't enjoy a sexual activity which you apparently enjoy, want and need. I don't think it's any more complicated than that.

When did the "kissing" problem begin? Before you were married?

Yea, since the beginning.
He does enjoy sex, just not as often as me.

You've been together for 9.5 years... married the last 2.5 years of that... and you are expecting him to change now?

9.5 years is a long time to put up with not just one thing... but several things that are of great importance to you. Particularly since I understand he's always been this way.

Cripes... everyone has their style... and everyone varies to the situation... everyone else but him anyway.

Personally... I think he's being an a s s about this... and you have a right to be upset.

Part of a successful marriage is learning to be flexible... and adapting in most things. He's not making much of an effort in that area. Heaven forbid you actually have kids... and they don't conform to his rigid ideal about HOW everything must be done.

The husband says the way the wife wants him to kiss her is "weird and not natural" to him. I have no problem with adults when they are both in agreement... but in this case this is NOT something he wants to do.

Selfish, perhaps, but for whatever reason, it makes him feel weird and uncomfortable.

I think she has to live with that as opposed to forcing something on him that forever reason turns him off.

(Isn't this same question usually about oral?)

I know what you are saying. One guy I dated kissed me and hung on to my mouth like a leech so I could hardly breathe or swallow. We almost made a popping noise when we pulled apart. Another guy had a breathing problem and wheezed when we kissed. Another one practically sucked all the air out of my lungs. Still another one had a problem controlling his saliva so that I nearly had to take a shower after kissing him. I won't tell you about the one with rotting teeth or the one who thought lots of pressure was a good thing. (I should write a book on kissing styles.) Smoothy's right -- everyone has his style (and most won't change or understand he needs to.)

You've been with him so long and have put up with this. It will be very hard to adjust his style after all this time. If I were you, I'd be content with the pecks and stop with his lip-locking if it doesn't drive you into throes of passion. Maybe this is a case of not being able to teach an old dog new tricks.

Many people do not like open mouth kissing, ( yes really) he may be doing what little he is doing just trying to make you happy. I would say after this long he is not going to change, but perhaps you could look into counseling so that 1. you don't get offended when he does not like things the way you want to do it. 2. you may find out what he likes instead. Maybe he things he is good at it, and don't understand why you don't like his way ?

But you need to find out more about why you are not having more sex, but this may be part of the issue both of you don't like to even start the kissing part to get there.

Personal preference - and this includes husbands and boyfriends. DON'T SUCK ON MY NECK! I keep waiting for the hard suck to begin - or teeth to appear. I don't like it. Don't do it.

And I hate to bring this up - but what does your breath smell like? Ever been kissed by someone and you question where they've been and what they've been doing? I don't smoke. I'm not a fanatic but don't smokers realize that when they kiss you deeply you can literally smell their lungs? And guess what's in their lungs? Smoke.

And then there's my adversion to toe sucking.

Thanks everyone for your input!

Smoothy,
I don't expect him to change. But I'm hoping if we both put forth effort in our own way then I can be more satisfied/ happy in that aspect of our marriage. Like you said, for a successful marriage both people need to be flexible. And I feel like he should try to be more flexible.

He did say he will try to let me kiss him how I want sometimes. But that I shouldn't expect him to like it. It just hurts my feelings so much to think that he doesn't like it, when I'm sitting there really enjoying it :-/. But I don't know, a part of me hopes that after so long he will at least get used to it or not think it is weird anymore? Like I said before our default kissing is his style.. if we try to kiss like I like it, it can turn into an act of congress because I have to keep tilting his face a little to the side, and asking him to not press into my face so much.

Okay, so question to everyone:
Do all of you have chemistry when you kiss your partner? If not, does it bother you?

I've had 4 relationships before my husband. In 2 of the relationships I had insane chemistry with those guys. And I've casually dated a handful of people, half of which I had chemistry with and half I didn't. I guess just knowing how it feels to have chemistry, I want at least some of that with my husband. And it just sucks to have felt chemistry with him but it's rare because it's only when he lets me kiss him how I want to. And it sucks to know that during that kiss while I'm feeling chemistry/ butterflies (whatever you want to call it), he's not.

I know that he does have a low sex drive, so part of it honestly boils down to that. But I think there is a possibility he has issues with intimacy. But I'm not sure. My hope is that if he worked on that with a therapist maybe that could help? Some reasons/ examples I think he might have intimacy issues is when we make love he hardly ever looks at me/ into my eyes. He always looks down or closes his eyes. Also he has admitted to always being insecure to initiate anything. When he does initiate kissing/sexual stuff, it is barely noticeable.

He was bullied terribly growing up all through school. And he felt like there was no way girls liked him. He never kissed a girl until college. He didn't have much experience before me (kissed 2 girls and basically had 2 one night stands). Not that that is a problem, I'm just throwing that info out there. But anyway, Does it sound like he may have intimacy problems? And if therapy could help, is it possible he might feel more comfortable coming onto me and being more flexible with kissing?

JudyKayTee,
Yea, I understand. I was mostly just giving an example of one the many things he doesn't like. But I don't try to kiss his neck any more, he's ticklish there and I'm okay with that.
About my breath, we will tell each other if our breath stinks. That is definitely not an issue. We aren't offended if we tell each other anything about that. Like "ew I smell the Doritos you just ate!" lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by greentree30

Okay, so question to everyone:
Do all of you have chemistry when you kiss your partner? If not, does it bother you?

I can't remember the last time my husband kissed me (and maybe he never has, can't remember it). He has Asperger's, so kissing is not on his list of things to do. We're retired now and have been married for 45 years. If I write up a detailed grocery list, he will buy everything on it and exactly what I wrote down. We've never needed to call a repairman. Our dryer is 42 years old and the stove and refrigerator are over 35 years old -- all in good working condition because he can fix anything. On the other hand, the guy who could curl my toes whenever he kissed me years ago is in his second marriage now and has anger management problems. Maybe kissing isn't such a big deal after all when one looks at the whole picture?

Cutting right to the chase - if my husband complained about any part of my sexual performance (from start to finish, and that includes kissing) I'd wonder what the real problem was.

Wondergirl,
Wow, that is interesting. Have you been relatively happy in your marriage overall? Did not kissing use to bother you, but not anymore?

JudyKayTee,
Are you saying there is a bigger problem that he has about me or that I have about him?

Quote:

Originally Posted by greentree30

Wondergirl,
Wow, that is interesting. Have you been relatively happy in your marriage overall? Did not kissing use to bother you, but not anymore?

I'm a positive-spin person. I have always looked for the good in what I have and can achieve and not wished for something I couldn't have. The good things I was given were two terrific sons, jobs I loved with all my heart (teaching, library, counseling), a graduate degree, and being traditionally published. My husband loves the meals I cook, how I've decorated the house, my willingness to adapt to his frugality, working with me to improve the house and yard, etc. I've appreciated his kindness, his loyalty, and his steadfastness and dedication toward his job and to our family. Kissing isn't even a blip on the screen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by greentree30

JudyKayTee,
Are you saying there is a bigger problem that he has about me or that I have about him??

Yes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Yes.

I agree.

Well I know there isn't any other problem I have with him. We both have depression and anxiety. But I think I'm definitely more depressed than him and it does bother him when I get really depressed. When I get moody I sometimes nitpick at him when I shouldn't. Since he has depression too, it's probably hard on him to comfort me when he has his own stresses going on. I try to comfort him when he's upset but he tends to hold things in, so he doesn't show when he's depressed as much as I do. Besides that he is exhausted from work all the time.

Sometimes I feel like everything is great and none of this bothers me at all. It just gets to me if we haven't been intimate in a while. I know I need to be more positive. I honestly don't know if I'm over analyzing things too much and being overly negative, or when I truly have issues to complain about. My guess is, it's both. But I probably shouldn't complain nearly as much as I do.

But I still feel like it's a legit concern for the most part.

And that's the basic "rub" - you think this is a legit concern. He does not.

Now what?

I don't know, that's why I came here.