Ask Me Help Desk - What is wrong with me

I was in a 2 year relationship with my ex when we broke up. Our relationship was on the rocks because I found out he was not faithful to me. We had great chemistry and I was very much in love with him - he denied that he was unfaithful and confessed to only kissing someone. I felt that I wanted to try to work things out with him but was always suspicious. I was very insecure and things started to fall apart as a result- we fought often and had serious trust issues- eventually we both agreed that we should break up because we were no longer happy together.
It has been two months since the break up yet we still keep in touch - he tells me that he is not with anyone now but I feel he has probably slept with other women by now- I have still not had any partners because I still have strong feelings for him and often think about getting back together.
He told me he wanted to move on when we broke up intitally but he yet still calls/emails me when he does not hear from me. We saw each other recently and it was apparent that we still have a strong attraction for one another-
We kissed but when things started to heat up- he stopped himself and told me that he respected me too much to sleep with me if we are not together and that I should not settle for anything less ( like him).
SInce then I have been feeling miserable and heart broken all over again- I have reverted to crying every night like I did when we first split.

I feel like he doesn't want to commit to me and also does not want to let me go either.
Yet I feel like I want us to try to work things out and get back together because I am still in love with him after two months which is very unusual for me.
What is wrong with me? I don't know how to deal with this- or what to do about it next.
Please help shed some light

Quote:

Originally Posted by ainos

I was in a 2 year realtionship with my ex when we broke up. Our relationship was on the rocks because i found out he was not faithful to me. We had great chemistry and I was very much in love with him - he denied that he was unfaithful and confessed to only kissing someone.

Kissing is unfaithful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ainos

I felt that i wanted to try to work things out with him but was always suspicious. I was very insecure and things started to fall apart as a result- we fought often and had serious trust issues- eventually we both agreed that we should break up because we were no longer happy together.

But given the circumstances you had every right to feel insecure and suspicious.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ainos

It has been two months since the break up yet we still keep in touch - he tells me that he is not with anyone now but i feel he has probably slept with other women by now- i have still not had any partners because i still have strong feelings for him and often think about getting back together.

You shouldn't jump back with anybody after a break up. Two months is, in my opinion, way too soon to be thinking about even dating someone else, much less having sex with them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ainos

He told me he wanted to move on when we broke up intitally but he yet still calls/emails me when he does not hear from me. We saw each other recently and it was apparent that we still have a strong attraction for one another-
we kissed but when things started to heat up- he stopped himself and told me that he respected me too much to sleep with me if we are not together and that i should not settle for anything less ( like him).
SInce then I have been feeling miserable and heart broken all over again- I have reverted to crying every night like i did when we first split.

But you've never really split up. You've been hanging on. That's not breaking up. You are still both using each other as a safety net. You broke up the relationship but the feelings are still there. The only way to get rid of the feelings is to break up completely and not talk, email, text, or communicate in any way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ainos

I feel like he doesnt want to commit to me and also does not want to let me go either.

I think you exactly right. I also think you feel the same way. To each other you are both safe. To let go means you both will take an emotional fall. So you broke up the relationship but the feelings are still keeping you from breaking away from each other.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ainos

Yet I feel like i want us to try to work things out and get back together because I am still in love with him after two months which is very unusual for me.
What is wrong with me? I dont know how to deal with this- or what to do about it next.
Please help shed some light

Well good news. Nothings wrong with you. Your suffering from a broken heart. But your broken heart can't heal if the person who broke it continues to be involved in your life, especially in a emotional sense as he has been. You've got to break it forever and not keep hanging on.

As long as you allow him to contact you, the healing process can not work and you will always be torn and stuck emotionally to this guy. That's why he stays in touch to keep you from moving on and getting over him. To break the cycle and get healthy you must stop all contact and get a life that you enjoy without him. Its not fair for him to not let you heal. Its not fair that you let him do this to you.

Thanks for your insight- I know all you're saying is true but its hard to make things clear to myself when feelings are involved.
You are right I don't want to let go of this one but I do want to commit and the problem is that for some reason- even though he was in relationship with me, he is emotionally un available - I was willing to compromise my own morals about monagamy to work things out with him even though I felt that what he did was wrong and further more he was not willing to come to terms with it and apologize to me or at least give me justification to feel like he was sorry and willling to make things right again.
The reason I am stillpondering over this is because it has been two months - shouldn't I get over this already and move on? He wants to remain friends with me- I don't know how to handle that

As long as you let him he has control. Stop all contact and texting and hangin out.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ainos

the reason i am stillpondering over this is because it has been two months - shouldn't i get over this already and move on??

Covered in my first post. Reread until you understand with your logical brain. Read it again and again for several days. Right now your using the emotional brain.

You never broke up. This never ended. If you continue to be with him the emotional aspect will never leave. You must cut contact now. You should have done it two months ago.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ainos

he wants to remain friends with me- i dont know how to handle that

But he's not your friend. This relationship broke because he cheated. That means he can't be trusted. You can't have friends that you can't trust.

Thank you I will - I know I will see things from your perspective once the smoke and mirrors have cleared.
To add to your comment- we did in fact break up and the dynamic of our relationship changed drasitically- we went from living together to now only being in touch once every week or two. To me that constitutes a break up depsite the fact that I still feel for him the way I did when we were still together.
I certainly am 100% responsible for my situation now as I am clinging to the hope that we can still work things out but I know that I deserve better and I should just let him go and trust and allow a more meaningful love to enter my life.
Thanks again truly!

YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING AND Didn't"T CAUSE HIM TO CHEAT!!!

I would say cut off contact with him right now, but that will be pretty much impossible if you harbor such positive feelings that to me wasn't a man a woman like you needs. He is afraid of losing you so when he doesn't talk to you he makes sure you are always around and always in your life. So you will never move on and he isn't a man to let you move on.

My ex told me she was crying everytime she talked me and couldn't convert her feelings for me to anything bad and she loved me so much. But our situations were too much and long distance and everything wouldn't work. We would have got back together and broken up again for the same reasons. So I was a man about it and said to myself let me stop calling which I wasn't doing much anyways and let her move on because it isn't fair to either of us to string each other along. SHe has a new bf and I am happy being single and loving life right now. When we talked recently we had a great talk and it showed we could still keep the lines of communication open at some point but we may at some point get back together but I am not banking on it. She still loves me and I still love her but I am not naive and stupid enough to wait around and let hope control me. SHe was a very special girl but at 23 I don't know any better yet. I will find what god has in store for me and not let anything control my actions, my mind or anything that will happen to me in the future.

"I should just let him go and trust and allow a more meaningful love to enter my life."

You said it yourself you need to see what else is out there and not let him control and when and where he enters your life. He cheated but beyond that you guys broke up for a reason and more than just the cheating. See what else is out there and find out what you want outside of guys do. They aren't everything, remember that.