Ask Me Help Desk - In love with a straight guy

Hi
I `m a 34 yrs old gay man who `s in a very diffucult position at the moment. I`ve known this guy for quite a while now. Recently we`ve become very close . We spent the past two weekends together at my house , shared the same bed , but nothing happened . I couldn't help , but hold him while he was sleeping , he didn't seem to make an issue about as he would remain quite or slowly move away. What`s really confusing for me is that I know with most guys they would just wake and leave te bed almost immediatetly in the morning ,but with him we would spend hours chatting in bed after waking up.What does this mean .

I`m got very jealous when he met a new girl from face book last week , but I was releaved afterwards when he told me she`s not his type.I love this man no doubt about that and I realise that I maybe having a fantacy relationship with him , it feels good to be with him and sleeping next to him is a bonus as I believe relationships are not just about sex. Am I setting myself for a heartbreak , letting go of him in not an option I just love him so much .

What can I do?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kamazu34

Hi
I `m a 34 yrs old gay man who `s in a very diffucult position at the moment. I`ve known this guy for quite a while now. Recently we`ve become very close . We spent the past two weekends together at my house , shared the same bed , but nothing happened . I couldnt help , but hold him while he was sleeping , he didint seem to make an issue about as he would remain quite or slowly move away. What`s really confusing for me is that i know with most guys they would just wake and leave te bed almost immediatetly in the morning ,but with him we would spend hours chatting in bed after waking up.What does this mean .

I`m got very jealous when he met a new girl from face book last week , but i was releaved afterwards when he told me she`s not his type.I love this man no doubt about that and i realise that i maybe having a fantacy relationship with him , it feels good to be with him and sleeping next to him is a bonus as i believe relationships are not just about sex. Am i setting myself for a heartbreak , letting go of him in not an option i just love him so much .

What can i do?

Well to start with the man isn't straight... he may not be sure if he is bi... and its clear he isn't gay... he wouldn't have been sleeping with you and he certainly would never have let you hold him... a straight guy would have run out of the house naked and dressed in his car... even in the middle of the day.

Your best bet is just forget about it and move on. If he isn't entertaining the idea of being bi... you can kiss him off as a friend because he's going to freak out and run.

At the very most... stay back... and wait and see if he takes any steps towards something... let him take the lead... that way if he's not game... you don't spook him off. And you keep a friend.

His comfort level with intimate situations seems to indicate that he may have some bi-sexual tendencies - most men who identify more as heterosexual would feel really uncomfortable sharing a bed, being held, etc.

However... you're living in a fantasy relationship unless he makes it overtly clear that he has similar feelings or makes a move. Just as if he was gay - you don't have a chance unless he's interested in YOU! It doesn't sound that he is because he is dating women and seeing other people.

Time will tell if he opens up to you -- but in the meantime don't lose your life over being "in love" with someone who is not on the same page with you. This goes for everyone straight, gay, bi, etc. . (Fantasy relationship is feeling like he's with you all the time or that you're waiting for him or that you're not seeking out other companionship because you're being "faithful" to him)

Keep looking for partners for yourself the way he is doing for himself. Grow the friendship and release your expectations -- and then see what can happen!

Quote:

Originally Posted by WisperWill70

His comfort level with intimate situations seems to indicate that he may have some bi-sexual tendencies - most men who identify more as heterosexual would feel really uncomfortable sharing a bed, being held, etc.

However... you're living in a fantasy relationship unless he makes it overtly clear that he has similar feelings or makes a move. Just as if he was gay - you don't have a chance unless he's interested in YOU! It doesn't sound that he is because he is dating women and seeing other people.

Time will tell if he opens up to you -- but in the meantime don't lose your life over being "in love" with someone who is not on the same page with you. This goes for everyone straight, gay, bi, etc. . (Fantasy relationship is feeling like he's with you all the time or that you're waiting for him or that you're not seeking out other companionship because you're being "faithful" to him)

Keep looking for partners for yourself the way he is doing for himself. Grow the friendship and release your expectations -- and then see what can happen!

What you are saying makes sense , but its difficult to let go of these feelings I care deeply for him... I really do want to stop this , but it's a bit too late I think... we phone each other almost 4 times a day like a couple... thanks for responding...

Yeah but you're not a couple. It seems hard to do but it's easy to put that energy of love and caring about him into accepting him (however he is - just as he does you!) even if that means he just wants to be friends! It's just a choice.
I know from experience that it's possible to get rid of romantic notions/dreams and move on with life- keeping the person as a loved and valued friend. It's possible because that's the loving thing to do.

Care about him, but don't dream up more unless he is open to other things. It would almost be better to ask him how he feels and get it over with (he seems pretty open minded and he obviously cares about you and is open to sharing lots of things) than to plunge into the depth of fantasy. You'll know one way or the other and then you can move on. "Have you ever thought about being with other men?" or something like that in a casual regular conversation - no pressure.

Don't say "it's a bit too late" as the nose of your aircraft is heading to the ground. It's not! Be a friend here. And best of luck to you!

I had a very similar situation. I would share the bed with this guy that I was in love with except we would get up and do our own thing in the morning. I would make him breakfast, spend all of my time with him, and I was honestly in love with him. The best thing you can do is ask, and then jokingly tell him how you feel. Depending on how he reacts you should go forward with telling him more. There is no sense in spending your time in love with someone who doesn't feel the same way. In the end it just ends up hurting yourself. I have been in many situations like this and what I have learned is that you can't wait for someone to make the first move if you are the one with feelings for them. If he is a good friend, he will understand. If he freaks out, just assure him that you don't want to hook up with him, you just wanted to let him know that you were attracted to him for the sake of the friendship.