Okay so this is going to be a long story.
I first met my fiancé online in an AOL teen chat. I was 15 and he was 16. Shortly after we got serious he told me that he had a porn addiction so I told him how I felt about it and he promised he would stop looking at it.

A couple years passed and during that time he failed on his promise and looked at porn. I can't remember how many times it happened. I forgave him each time and again he promised it wouldn't happen again. One day we were talking about how it kept happening and he promised me it was different this time, that he had more self control and he didn't even have a craving for it anymore. So I thought okay good I don't have to worry about what he's doing.

In December of 2009 we were IMing each other and making plans for me to come and live with him. (don't worry, we had met plenty of times before I made plans to live with him) While we were chatting and making plans he was watching videos on YouTube of half naked girls dancing... This sent me over the edge, I couldn't take it anymore. I lost the trust that a relationship needs. I felt like he chose that body type over mine because he had the nerve to do it while talking to me. He said it was a moment of weakness, but I was right there, why couldn't he talk to me instead of doing it?

I moved in with him anyway and waited 6 months to tell him that what happened was still bothering me. So he suggested I try counseling. I tried that and it didn't really get me anywhere. The anxiety just kept getting worse. Every time he was on the computer I thought my head was going to explode with all the stress I was experiencing.

Now he is telling me once again that its different that it will never happen again and he thinks saying that should be enough, but how do I trust him again when he is just telling me the same thing as before? When we met he was different from most guys, he had his porn addiction, but outside that he wasn't attracted to girls and I loved that about him because I didn't like the way I looked so I figured it wouldn't be a problem, with me having to compare myself to other girls.

Shortly after I moved in he found himself attracted to a girl in one of his college classes. A few months later he found himself 'noticing' girls. Then it went to full blown attractions. He is attracted to almost every girl his age that he sees. This is killing me. He works at Wal-Mart and on warm Saturdays I feel like I'm dying. I hate knowing what he's looking at. Summer is coming and I have no idea how I'm going to get through it, with my anxiety getting worse and worse.

I'm still going to counseling and I have been on meds for almost a year. Still no progress. I feel silly that this bothers me. I mean every guy is attracted to girls so why can't I just be okay with it if he isn't acting on the attractions? I go through these thoughts all day everyday and nothing I do gets them off my mind. Now I can't go out certain times of the day. If we go shopping it has to be early or late that way the store isn't as busy. It's taking over my life and ruining it. Some days I'd rather die than deal with it.

And I know for sure I'd rather die than go through this summer, especially with the way girls these days dress. I can't stand knowing that he could be sexually attracted to some girl that comes in not wearing very much. It's a vicious cycle that I can't stop. Any advice would be great.

Also, yesterday he told me that there is a girl that he works with that he likes more than he should. I haven't stopped crying since then. I don't know how to handle this.

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I can see you're just absolutely tortured by this and stressing out and trying to control things you cannot control. For example... he's a young guy and it's normal for him to be attracted to other people (so long as he doesn't act on it) - You may need to face some acceptance of him and see where HE is in the relationship and if you two match up. Does he want to see other people? Is he concerned about his feelings for this other girl?

You can't make him stop falling in lust for other girls, looking at porn or any of the other things you're trying to do. Attempting to stay attached to him like this is going to rip you up. *I say attachment because your preoccupation with this guy is making it impossible to function. You have no sense of self outside of him and day in and day out the whole topic of him is eating you alive and you think about it constantly to the extent that YOU can't live YOUR life. Find a counselor who can work with you on your feelings of attachment and, separately, on your feelings of self worth and anxiety. If you are on medication and in counseling with no progress you need to see someone else. These feelings of giving up your life for a guy aren't healthy and you need someone to talk to.

Your desire to change this guy, not accepting his reality is causing you harm and not bringing any progress to you. You're so busy with a list of "he should be..." that you're losing your heart and soul.

For what it's worth, MOST men have, or will, watch porn. It doesn't mean that they are falling in love with someone else, that they want to have sex with other people or that you're not attractive enough. Setting yourself up against porn or trying to control someone else's private fantasy-time is a waste of your precious heart and energy.

He's being honest with you about his attractions to others... which is a good thing, but also painful and confusing to hear about. Allow yourself to really listen to what he's feeling so that you know whether he is not as invested in a committed one on one relationship as you are. If he is, wonderful. If not, you cannot force it to be so and you have to move forward in your life.

Either way - it sounds like you have some trust/anxiety to work on and get some help and perspective from a support system. Getting your focus off this one subject and getting your heart/life back will only help ALL your relationships and your feelings about yourself.

If you felt worthy of love and confident, porn and "others" would not make you feel so catastrophically shaken. You'd know how important and loved you are worthy of being and that, in the end, isn't something a GUY gives you, but something you give yourself. You'll need this for when he, or another partner, wants to commit to you -- or you'll have a string of endless insecurities to cope with and it will be nearly impossible to feel the love or faithfulness they're trying to extend to you.

Wishing you the best - you ARE worth it!

Leave him and live a life without any men or boyfriends.

Sorry what you are asking just does not happen, Unless you get into therapy to deal with YOUR issues, and learn to allow and accept others you will never be happy with anyone.

1. all men, from the pastor in the biggest church, to the dirty old homeless man, will normally turn their head if only for a minute at a girl that is "half dressed" walking down the road, or one in those tight shorts at Walmart. Sorry that is what they do, a man has a "sight" and vision experience, Does not mean they prefer that shape or size, Most men day dream, and if they don't think about sex in some form about 30 times a hour, most likely they are sick.

Also watching 1/2 naked women dance is not even close to porn, so that was not watching porn, porn is watching men, women, and/or animals doing sex together in various styles.
Or some times it can be even a silly plot. While I see no value in it, it also has nothing to do with you, and does not even mean he wants women like that. He knows it is not real ( or should anyway) In fact many couples use porn as part of foreplay to help get a mood set.


Next if he was going to cheat, does not matter if they are wearing a parka or fully dressed, cheating is getting a emotional and physcial connection with each other.

So you need to get into better counseling or just decide to live a life alone.

He is actually very concerned with how I'm feeling. He's as supportive as he can be without handing over his entire life to me. He understands why I'm depressed all the time and he tries so hard to make it better. He understands that I'm not okay with him looking at porn and he is okay with that. He hasn't looked in over three years but I'm having such a hard time getting over the last time. The half naked dancing girls could be considered soft porn. Either way I'm still not okay with it.

As with the girl that he works with and 'likes' more than he should, I don't know how to deal with that. He has been avoiding her but I'm worried that the feelings won't go away. It kills me to know that he is sitting home with me thinking about seeing and talking to her. I've been couch bound and crying since Sunday. I still find it hard to get up and do anything. When he is at work I can't stop wondering if he's talking to her or what. How do you deal with your fiancé liking another girl?

Also, I know that men are attracted to females, I know that's just how it is. But I'm so insecure with myself that I find it very hard to deal with. How do you deal with that? How can you just accept that your fiancé is looking at someone else?

You are going to be facing a very long and complicated road in your relationship unless you address (through counseling or by some other means) yourself esteem and insecurity issues. You might have found a guy who is sympathetic, who tries to support you and make you "feel better" -- but your emotions aren't his responsibility; - they're yours --- and if you don't deal with this now it could be this coworker that you're obsessing about and crying about or it could be someone else down the line, porn, girls on TV, etc. etc.

Good luck with your expectations about him not looking at porn - in my experience this leads to resentment and it works 0% of the time. He will "relapse" and apologize and stir up all your insecurities anew. YOU need to deal with your expectations around this. Talk to some other women in age groups other than your own. As a great friend of mine said, "I don't care what he looks at on the computer -- I know in my heart that he only loves me and when he's working hard on our house, listening to me late into the night or helping with the kids all that other stuff is just so meaningless." -- She's been married for 12 years and I have been for nearly 20. We know what we're talking about.

As for him feeling the way he does about the co-worker, that is very stressful and I don't blame you for being scared/worried/and jealous. How do you deal with your fiancé looking at someone else? You take the relationship back a few notches and decide whether you REALLY want to commit.

It doesn't sound like he wants to hurt you or leave you, but he may be having a different take on your relationship than you do but doesn't know how to deal with his feelings or indecision. If he was ready to commit his energy to you the way YOU are to him, he would notice a girl in a passing way, appreciate her beauty and give not a second thought to it. Guys think about girls and sex all the time... but that doesn't mean the thoughts are attached to one person or obsessive.

Keep talking and working on your own security, feelings of worth and stability.

I'm going to reiterate... if you're feeling so anxious that you feel like "dying" and you can't concentrate on your life because of your boyfriend and you keep spiraling into depression, constant fear and anxiety... there is something out of balance and unhealthy about the way you approach the relationship. This has NOTHING to do with other girls...

You cannot make your life revolve around a man like that. You have lost your own "core" and sense of yourself --- please get help.

I am seeing a therapist and a psychiatrist. I'm going next week and I'm going to try to get on a different medication. I've been on this same one almost a year and nothing has changed. My doctor kind of sucks and long story short I can't see a new doctor without changing my therapist and I really like her. Yesterday we started doing couples counseling. Hopefully that will get us somewhere.

I need someone to tell me how to move past this. Or give me some kind of advice. I can't take crying anymore.

What an idiot he is telling you stuff he should keep to himself and say nothing, given how prone you are to freak out at anything, at any time.

Glad you both are going to couple therapy where both of you can learn some appropriate behavior, and appropriate reactions. I mean what fool tells a skittish female he has more feelings than he should for another female. In trying to be honest, all he does is scare you, and you are already way to high strung.

I hope you both get the help you need. Two impulsive undisciplined people just work on the worst in each other.

Getting into some good therapy is a start -- you say you love your therapist - but what is she doing? If you're not addressing some of your fears which DO NOT only have to do with just the relationship -- it might be time for a change. Don't be afraid to switch doctors -- anxiety and depression magnify personal issues and make it hard to get a good bead on things.

Hopefully the couples counseling will help. -- You have a partner who is game and trying to help... but this work isn't for HIM to make you stop being miserable and needy and anxious, it's yours. Don't expect the couples therapy to be a way for the therapist to back your point of view and help him see the light. It's a myth that relationships are 50/50... you are 100% responsible for your feelings. When you grasp that they way you relate to each other will have more mutual respect, flow and intimacy and you'll both be able to bring more to the relationship.

The most important part of this whole thing is not what he's doing, what he's thinking, -- but what YOU are doing, what you are thinking, what you're telling yourself and how you're keeping yourself stuck.

Good luck.

I don't really know what else to say. Thanks.