Ask Me Help Desk - Girlfriend says she needs space for a second time in the relationship

Hi everyone. Thank you in advance for taking a few moments to read and possibly respond to this question.

I am a divorced father, with two elementary age children. I have been dating a woman for 2.5 years and our relationship has been long-distance for 1.5 of those years.

This week, she told me (after numerous arguments, which are sadly not uncommon for us) that she needed to take space to heal herself. She was recently diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. She says our relationship is a primary cause of that. What I mean is, she says she wants so badly to be with me, yet the prospect of leaving her career and moving back to the town where we first met (a town she is not from, nor does she enjoy, nor is it a place with jobs she feels would fulfill her enough) is conflicting with her need to follow her career path and it is apparently making her ill.

I'm terribly sad by the fact that I am being cut out of her life (albeit temporarily - this is not a 'she is seeing other people' situation, as she indicated she has no desire to do so, she plans to leave our relationship status intact on Facebook, etc.) I have been her biggest supporter in this time of stress for her. Many other issues have been stressors: her family, the job she is in now, and more. I have spent countless hours talking with her and trying to get her through this, but now I feel like I am being tossed out with the trash because her doctor told her to reduce stress in her life. Why does that mean breaking things off with the person who has been loving you every day for several years now? I'm so hurt by this, I'm angry, and I am also really not doing well with the fact that the person I love and want to be with forever feels that to be well, she needs to get rid of me... at least for a while, or whatever.

I have proposed alternative solutions where she could keep her job. She has thought about trying to get a job doing what she does now in her home town, which is 3 hours away. Then, the argument starts to involve my children. This has become a very sore subject and I feel very sad that they are being made pawns in this.

I have my kids about half the time. I'm more than just an every other weekend father. I've told her that as a compromise, I would commute for work (I've already checked and this would be OK with my supervisors) and would be there 4 nights a week and here 3 nights a week. If she travels here on her off days (which are not the same as mine) that would mean we'd be together basically every day. But she doesn't see it that way. She says she wants to be a priority to me. Well, how is being the same level of parent to my kids making her any less of a priority when she is unwilling to move here and make me her priority? This argument becomes hurtful, and terrible things have been said by both of us.

I feel like - if she can't move here, then why am I the bad guy when I am willing to commute so she can have the career and city that she wants? She says the weekends when I don't have the kids have to be our weekends no matter what. I would love that, but there are times when I will need to be here to go to games, etc. That's why I really need her to be here. I'm a dedicated dad. I don't apologize for it.

So now, she says she needs a break. Says our conversations aren't productive. Says she needs to heal from this anxiety thing. And now I'm left here, crushed. I was really happy when we were together. She'd asked for space six months ago and I guess she never took it, as we worked through things together (she'd call me during that time, I gave her the space by the way.) I thought we were on our way to happiness. I took her on a family reunion trip out of state. We have been having great times like we used to. I tried to take her looking at rings last month, but she wouldn't go in the store with me. This, after she took the space six months ago because she didn't feel like I was committed!

I'm so confused. Any advice, any help... I will gladly take it. Thank you.

When are you going to get tired of having someone else control your life. I understand you love this woman, but love doesn't mean you lay down and have someone walk all over you. I also understand she has a anxiety disorder and you are more then willing to stand by her and do whatever it takes to make her what less stressed.

First of all no matter what you do it will NEVER CURE HER of her disorder. You giving up your life or screwing up your kids lives by continuously allowing her instability effect their relationship with their father. As parents we are our children's living examples of what or how to react to different situations that life throws at us. You have shown exceptional understanding and willingness to help a woman that you love. But you also need to be to show them that love may not be enough and that it is not okay for someone to abuse you emotionally. Show them that its okay to know you have done everything you can but nothing and no one but your children are worth giving up your entire self for. Give them example how to walk away with class,

Good luck

Let her go to heal herself, as the more you hold on the harder she will fight to get away. Yes its frustrating and hurts, and you feel powerless to change her mind, but you must let go now, and deal with the feelings.

Recognize you both have different priorities, and she should NOT be yours. Let her go, and let the dust settle and regroup.

Quote:

Originally Posted by answerme_tender

When are you going to get tired of having someone else control your life. I understand you love this woman, but love doesnt mean you lay down and have someone walk all over you. I also understand she has a anxiety disorder and you are more then willing to stand by her and do whatever it takes to make her what less stressed.

First of all no matter what you do it will NEVER CURE HER of her disorder. You giving up your life or screwing up your kids lives by continuously allowing her instability effect their relationship with their father. As parents we are our childrens living examples of what or how to react to different situations that life throws at us. You have shown exceptional understanding and willingness to help a woman that you love. But you also need to be to show them that love may not be enough and that it is not okay for someone to abuse you emotionally. Show them that its okay to know you have done everything you can but nothing and no one but your children are worth giving up your entire self for. Give them example how to walk away with class,

Good luck

Thank you very much for taking the time to respond to this post and for your insights. Your first sentence is what speaks to me more than anything. I have given control of my happiness to her, and she is not the first woman I have done that for. It's really something I need to look in the mirror with during this time. I'm trying to view this time as an opportunity for some personal growth and discovery. It hurts, as I mentioned, but I am really trying to learn something from this and your first sentence is a huge part of what I need to prevent myself from doing in the future. Thank you again.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

Let her go to heal herself, as the more you hold on the harder she will fight to get away. Yes its frustrating and hurts, and you feel powerless to change her mind, but you must let go now, and deal with the feelings.

Recognize you both have different priorities, and she should NOT be yours. Let her go, and let the dust settle and regroup.

Thank you for responding. I agree that I need to start taking care of myself and that I need to let her be, both in giving her space physically by not talking with her and also emotionally, in that I need to start working on my own issues and treat this like more of an opportunity than a bad thing. I'll try to convince my heart of this! But I know it is what I need to do. I just want her to be happy, as sad and frustrated as I am. Thanks again for taking time to write here.