Ask Me Help Desk - In love with straight best friend

I want to start by saying he was the first person I came out too. He actually went through my phone one day and found stuff, so I had no choice but to tell him. He accepted me from the get go, which made us even closer.

Anyway, we do everything together, practically hang out every single day, even have slept in the same bed. I take care of him when he's drunk, and he does the same for me, haha. Anyway, I've tried everything to rid my feelings for him.

I've been in two relationships and they've both ended horribly because I just couldn't get over him. I literally think about him 24/7. Both guys in the relationship knew this, but I just denied it. On top of that, he basically disapproved of both of the guys I was with(which had nothing to do with the breakup). I don't know what to do. No guy I meet seems to make me feel better then the way he does. What's the point in being in a relationship, when I can't stop thinking about him? We are only 19, what should I do?

Nothing. He is unavailable to you. It is almost the same as having feelings for your Best Friends Wife.

So as far as I can see you have two options.

1). Get over him and return to seeing him as a friend and not as a possible mate. This might require seeing him less and not being as available to him. You need to get your feelings under control and let your infatuation/love for him die.

2). Soberly declare your feelings for him in the hopes that he's in the closest and has the same burning feelings for you and you do for him. This will most likely end poorly.

Right now you're torturing yourself with letting him be so close to your heart. You need to push him away a little so that you can remain friends but not constantly looking for something more. The infatuation you are having with him will also hinder you finding a proper relationship of your own. Which can be more difficult because you're gay.

Good Luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CravenMorhead

Nothing. He is unavailable to you. It is almost the same as having feelings for your Best Friends Wife.

So as far as I can see you have two options.

1). Get over him and return to seeing him as a friend and not as a possible mate. This might require seeing him less and not being as available to him. You need to get your feelings under control and let your infatuation/love for him die.

2). Soberly declare your feelings for him in the hopes that he's in the closest and has the same burning feelings for you and you do for him. This will most likely end poorly.

Right now you're torturing yourself with letting him be so close to your heart. You need to push him away a little so that you can remain friends but not constantly looking for something more. The infatuation you are having with him will also hinder you finding a proper relationship of your own. Which can be more difficult because you're gay.

Good Luck.

Thank you so much! Maybe I should just distance myself... its been going on for about 3 years now and I guess you are right

I agree -- distancing yourself from your relationship will only let your heart be more free and will unchain you -- so that you can actually focus on what's important in your life. School? Friends? Your future?

Sometimes we hang on to someone who cares about us a lot (no matter the sexuality) at this time of our lives and it can be that our FEARS about what's out there in the unknown (Life!) want us to stay safe by sticking with our familiar territory. --- Staying stuck --- loving him and not being able to have him is a convenient ego trick so that you don't have to risk it in a real relationship?

It sounds like this guy is possessive of you and has some kind of attachment for you beyond friendship... (looking through your phone? Disapproving of your boyfriends?) --- you can talk to him about what the source of his feelings are but it sounds as if this relationship just ISN'T healthy even if he was available... and you're depending on him more than you should.

Even putting some distance in your friendship is a good idea. Let him find someone else to take care of him when he's drunk and you can find some other friends (and a boyfriend) to take care of you emotionally.

Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WisperWill70

I agree -- distancing yourself from your relationship will only let your heart be more free and will unchain you -- so that you can actually focus on what's important in your life. School? Friends? Your future?

Sometimes we hang on to someone who cares about us a lot (no matter the sexuality) at this time of our lives and it can be that our FEARS about what's out there in the unknown (Life!) want us to stay safe by sticking with our familiar territory. --- Staying stuck --- loving him and not being able to have him is a convenient ego trick so that you don't have to risk it in a real relationship?

It sounds like this guy is possessive of you and has some kind of attachment for you beyond friendship.... (looking through your phone? Disapproving of your boyfriends?) --- you can talk to him about what the source of his feelings are but it sounds as if this relationship just ISN'T healthy even if he was available... and you're depending on him more than you should.

Even putting some distance in your friendship is a good idea. Let him find someone else to take care of him when he's drunk and you can find some other friends (and a boyfriend) to take care of you emotionally.

Good luck.

Thank you! Probably the best advice I've ever gotten in relation to the situation. I've told about five people about this, and all five people are close to him as well. I feel like he knows... but the situation does not get any better. He picks me up to "hang out" about every day, even though he lives pretty far. I don't know how to say no to him! I will try..

Quote:

Originally Posted by jay19x3

I want to start off by saying he was the first person I came out too. He actually went through my phone one day and found stuff, so I had no choice but to tell him. He accepted me from the get go, which made us even closer.

Anyways, we do everything together, practically hang out every single day, even have slept in the same bed. I take care of him when he's drunk, and he does the same for me, haha. anyways, i've tried everything to rid my feelings for him.

I've been in two relationships and they've both ended horribly because I just couldn't get over him. I literally think about him 24/7. Both guys in the relationship knew this, but I just denied it. On top of that, he basically disapproved of both of the guys I was with(which had nothing to do with the breakup). I don't know what to do. No guy I meet seems to make me feel better then the way he does. Whats the point in being in a relationship, when I can't stop thinking about him? We are only 19, what should I do?

The worst thing he's ever done to me was say... "if i was gay...oh my god the things we'd do"... its just so frustrating to hear stuff like that

Best to keep your distance than lose a close friend... being friends with and being the object of someone with romantic desire for you are very different things... He may be OK with first... and bothered by the second. Good friends aren't easy to find.