Unusual custody situation - long read.
Hey guys,
I've been searching Google trying to understand parental rights (particularly those of a father whom isn't interested) and this site has popped up a few times and seems very helpful. I hope you can help me as well. :)
The reason I call my situation unusual is because the father isn't here in the States (I live in NY), but lives in London, England.
I'll try to give a condensed version of everything for you.
The father and I had been friends for a couple years (over the net) and he's always been well-known for meeting new people/having them stay there/him staying at their houses. In short, he's a people person and loves meeting them all the time. So I thought nothing to stay with him/his family for a month on my first trip away from home (I've known people whom have stayed there before to... no murdering XD).
We ended up taking things a bit further and I came home pregnant.
I was scared at first on how to tell my parents (I am 20, but my dad still scares me to tell him such things. Not out of abuse, just disappointing people is an issue of mine). And was afraid things in my life would be ruined, yet I was also extremely happy - even though I never considered myself the mothering type. I told the father this and shared my concerns at the time.
At this stage him and I were already having problems with him suddenly being aloof (always the case, eh?) so we weren't the happy-go-lucky friends/more than friends we had been before. Nonetheless, he told me he would support me in whatever I chose.
I chose to keep the child and face my fears (I've always said I would never have an abortion but it's tough to still say that when faced with such fear... I'm glad I didn't do it).
I told him this and he wasn't very happy. He told me I should have an abortion because we couldn't afford a kid, he wouldn't be able to see it, and various other reasons.
I told him point blank I could afford a baby (admittly, with family help - we have a big one with lots of babies a little older, who helped with a crib and stuff). And I have never ever asked him for any money. In fact, I still don't want any money from him.
Needless to say I refused to have an abortion and told him he didn't have to be involved if he didn't want to be. He claimed he couldn't just not be involved and I was forcing him to be just by having the kid. Okay, well that was his choice and I understood it but I wasn't going to abort my baby out of guilt.
To shorten things up a bit for you guys...
It was at the point where he wouldn't ever ask me about the baby or how it was doing. I'd ask him if he even cared to know what was going on and he would make replies such as "you'd update me if it was something important." Honestly, this irked me beyond belief since I personally felt he should ask if he wanted to know. Not expect me to run around trying to get ahold of him to let him know of things.
At this point and to this day (to my knowledge) he hasn't told his mother about the baby. He is 22 years old (might be 23) and this complicated things (with his mother) since I couldn't just leave him IMs over an instant messenger or give him a call without risking someone in his family seeing it and him being cruel over it... he would have possibly stated I did it on purpose.
He'd find things to argue over such as whether the baby should have a circumscission (May have spelled that wrong). We had discussed this before knowing the baby's sex, since I wanted his opinion on it so I would know his ideas... I planned to know the baby's gender, and he didn't want to know. He was against it and I was for it. I told him I'd ask the doctor's about it to get some medical opinions and discuss what I learned with him to make a better decision.
He has since claimed I am going to mutilate the baby and such... let me think how to explain this: I told him I'd look into it and all he heard was "I'm doing it my way and that's that." I sometimes wonder about his stability and his amazing ability to lie about the situation so much to make himself look good... that he might actually believe some stuff he's come up with now.
To try to shorten this even more: It got to the point where I was sick of trying to get him to seem interested in being involved (he showed some for a little while, then it was ruined). So at this point we are not in contact with each other.
At the end of December one of his friends told me he was going around stating he would be involved if I asked.
So, I emailed the father taking him up on that offer. He then showed his paranoia of someone telling me he even said that - then proceeded to state he was too busy with his life to deal with it and that he would contact me when he was ready.
That came after me emailing him twice - once with me uploading a video of the baby (knew it was a boy at this time) squirming around in my stomach since he's always been very active... so he could have it to see if he decided to be involved. - I never heard any word on that, merely got the "busy with life" line.
A few weeks ago, I ran across him on a community in livejournal and he claimed -I- was the one not contacting him. When I pointed out he told me not to... he stated he forgot.
Overall, my questions are as follows:
1) Should I go for custody? My baby is due March 4th and I'm scared the father may appear randomly sometime this year or whenever he decides to be involved and aim to take custody.
Honestly, I wouldn't deny him visitation rights - but I don't want him with custody. He stated he would never hand over his parental rights... which makes no sense to me, since he doesn't want to be involved from all his actions?
2) Should I tell his mother? This one tears me up inside because I love his mom and think she is a wonderful lady. However, I am terrified that if I tell her about her grandchild (and that she is welcome to come and visit any time) or would that look bad on me - as if I am going behind his back?
3) If he does show up randomly - after say 6months or more, does he have the right to try for custody?
He has been an awful guy since this started. He would be emotionally abusive by saying things he knew would upset me. I was getting sick more than necessary in my first trimester due to the stress of him, and at one point during my second he upset me so much I could barely see when driving to my college for lab... and ended up turning around anyway (despite needing to be there for this one) and finding my sister at her work just to cry.
I told him how he was making me feel and how upset he was making me - and he'd put it on me... saying it was my own fault I got upset so easily. =/
At one point he even told me to put whatever name on the birth certificate I wanted (meaning another guy) and to just consider him a sperm donor. He however, still implied he'd go for his rights if I tried to take them away.
I am just scared and confused, I don't know what to do and I was hoping for some perspective from people outside my circle of family and friends.
I considered going to a lawyer to ask this, but that thought scares me as well and makes it more real. I don't want to go to court only to be told he can have unsupervised visitation rights... and risk him taking my baby overseas and not seeing him again (my nurse cautioned me on this).
As I said, the father is a people person and a smooth liar - I'm worried he might be able to fool people.
I have kept logs of all our conversations, the emails, comments on each other's livejournals and everything I could think of. I have the evidence, but I don't know if the court would care about that stuff.
Sorry this was so long,
- Confused
