My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year plus. Before we got together, we did have sex a couple of times within the first 2 months. But when we got together, he never wants to have sex anymore. He would hog onto his computer. I did mention to him that I feel that having sex plays an important role in a relationship. He agrees but he did not do anything about it. Although my friends had told me that it is a good thing he doesn't have a high sex-drive, but I still feel it is quite a bad thing that we are not having sex for almost one year even though we are staying together now and sleeping next to each other every night. The main issue is that we are not engaging in any french kiss anymore. We only kissed when we bid goodbye and before we turn in. He do loves me but I feel that physically intimacy is important as well. I'm not consider very attractive but there are others who wants me too. So I really have no idea what is the problem here. Please give me some advices. Will smoking and drinking beer affect the sex drive as well?

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Originally Posted by flamingoose

My boyfriend and I have been together for 1 year plus. Before we got together, we did have sex a couple of times within the first 2 months. But when we got together, he never wants to have sex anymore. He would hog onto his computer. I did mention to him that I feel that having sex plays an important role in a relationship. He agrees but he did not do anything about it. Although my friends had told me that it is a good thing he doesn't have a high sex-drive, but I still feel it is quite a bad thing that we are not having sex for almost one year even though we are staying together now and sleeping next to each other every night. The main issue is that we are not engaging in any french kiss anymore. We only kissed when we bid goodbye and before we turn in. He do loves me but I feel that physically intimacy is important as well. I'm not consider very attractive but there are others who wants me too. So I really have no idea what is the problem here. Please give me some advices. Will smoking and drinking beer affect the sex drive as well?

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Unless you are having some other relationship issues (trust, communication, fights, etc.) it seems like there might be something going on with your boyfriend. If you've only had sex a "couple of times" at the beginning of your relationship and don't even kiss, he has a problem with intimacy or a physical problem. Has he ever had this problem before?

Smoking and drinking alcohol can effect libido as can certain medications and health problems. (including depression)

We are not having any other problems. Only that he will keep things to himself which I believe most of the guys are like this? We did kiss quite often at the beginning of our relationship, and I meant french kiss. But now, I cannot even remember when was the last time our kiss lasted for more than 5 seconds. And he hogged onto his computer to the point that he can just fell asleep the moment he lied on the bed. I told him I will feel unattracted if he did not make love with me. But he feels that I think too much. He is not having any physical problem. So is it normal to feel like what I'm feeling now? Or am I too sensitive about it?

He's 27 and I'm 24 this year, I asked if he is afraid I might get pregnant that's why he never wanted to have sex, he said yes but I feel that wasn't the main reason. He answered that because I asked. Am I overly sensitive?

The typical libido killers tend to be stress, exhaustion, and chemical dependencies. The second option might just be a naturally low libido.

What is his work/home life like? You had said that he has spent a large amount of time in front of the computer? Does he often forsake you for his computer?

Are you working the same shifts? IE, both nine to fivers? Or is he work a graveyard shift? How well do your lives align?

How is his physical health? Has be been to a doctor recently?

What type of Birth control are you using?

You're 24, you're young. I believe that intimacy, be it snuggling, kissing, or f**king like bunnies on easter, is as important part of a relationship as you believe it to be. Some couples are happy to have sex every few months, but also spoon in bed. Others believe that if you're not going at it every evening then they're neglected.

It does sound like you've got mismatched libidos. Which means that no matter how much you beat your heads around this problem it will never get better. You'll get mad at him. Things will briefly get better but will back slide.

So at this point you need to start thinking if this is something you can live with for the rest of your life. You had said you're not an attractive woman. Don't believe that for a second. You're probably a beautiful woman. The other thing is that you can't settle for something that clearly isn't making you happy. Don't be afraid to walk away instead of settling for something mediocre. Keep this in mind. I am not suggesting that you end the relationship, but that you keep all options opened.

I do not believe you're being too sensitive about this. I like that you've started to open up the lines of communication. I believe you need to go a little farther to ascertain the true problem here. Once you've discovered this your options will be much clearer.

Good luck!

Thanks for your advices. Yes I think he do forsake me because of computer. We are both working the same shifts, and I was thinking if this is the reason that he isn't interested in having sex since we are meeting everyday. Except that he is a smoker and drinker, I suppose he doesn't have any other health problems. Actually it is not because I wanted to have sex that's why I keep talking to him about it. I feel is more of the intimacy that I am going for. But he doesn't seems to understand that. And I do not want to sound like I'm desperate for sex which I really am not. But one year without sex is way too much. I thought of leaving him as I want to have kids next time. Yet I feel it is quite a ridiculous reason to break up because of that. I am in such dilemma and I really thought I could convince myself that we can have a good relationship without sex but here I am, at this page, asking for answers.

How much does he drink and smoke?

How long have you lived together?

If you weren't living together would you still be with him? What are you getting out of the relationship? What is he putting into it? Does he do anything other than work, drink, smoke and play games?

I think it may be time to be honest with yourself. If you are doing most (if not all) of the cooking and cleaning and he is doing as little as he can get away with including showing affection and sharing intimacy, then you may be little more than a maid/housekeeper. Look at the big picture instead of focusing on one aspect.

I think you need to talk to him about the overall relationship. How his computer time and drinking are affecting it and you. Don't confront him or try to put him on the defensive. Don't make the discussion about sex. Try to stay calm (if the discussion gets emotional, take a break.) If he doesn't see a problem, ask him to take one week and create a log of when and how long he is on the computer.

If he isn't willing to discuss issues or tries to make you feel like you are 'wrong' for feeling concerned, then you may have an answer as to what he is really wanting out of the relationship.

This is not a normal sex drive for a man, once a week or so at least for a man his age would be much more normal, if this is the first year you lived together even several times a week is not unusual.

A entire year without sex is not normal for a 60 year old couple. So he either has a issue or he is seeing someone else, that is about it.

You and he need to talk, if you try and start sex, will he do it, or will he tell you no ?

We talked about it. He told me maybe it was because he thought of settling down with me that's why he do not wish to have any accident to happen. I told him we could always use condom. I wanted to start with french kiss but he did not even want to. It was just a gentle good night kiss or none. Anyway, thanks for all your responses =)

It sounds like he is trying to be responsible. Something to keep in mind is that no form of birth control is 100% effective. We have members who became pregnant while correctly using multiple forms of birth control.

He may be telling you truth or he may be saying what he thinks will get him out of the hot seat. Since you are the one talking to him you would be the best judge.

Good luck.

While it's possible that he's concerned about pregnancy, his behaviour sounds more avoidant than responsible. Most adult men can figure out ways to be sexually and physically connected with their partner and use safe smart family planning. That's not an excuse... neither are the other things he's coming up with after you suggest them as reasons. He is agreeing with everything you say to avoid talking to you about something. If he was serious about "settling down" then physical intimacy should be on his list and YES this is a reason to end the relationship or get counseling. Unless you want to be physically isolated, I suggest you both get clear about your mutual goals and if there's something he can't talk about -- now is the time to know what it is (emotional, physical, external) -- but you can't make him communicate if he doesn't want to and you cannot guilt or shame him into wanting to talk about his intimacy issues.
Suggest a couple's counselor. If he refuses - that's your answer.

Sigh. I also feel that he is agreeing with everything I said besause he just want to get out of the hot seat. I'm always trying to convince myself that it is a good thing that we need not need to have sex to maintain our relationship. BUT when we can have it in the beginning of our relationship, why not now? I start to feel he is afraid to settle down instead of wanting to settle down. Before we turn in, he would play on his iPad till he dozed off. And he said he chose not to french kiss is because he knows it will lead to sex. Sigh. Nowadays, I don't even feel like trying anymore yet I love him too much to let go.

Sex is not required to maintain a relationship but mutual feelings about frequency and intimacy (which includes talking about any problems or fears) is! A lot of people have hidden fears about commitment, settling down or even emotional intimacy... he could be using an irrational fear about sex/pregnancy to deal with that OR there is something else going on he doesn't want to talk about with you for fear of losing you. Changes in sex are common in relationships. He isolates himself with the iPad, but it sounds like you both need to talk to someone. You owe it to both of you to get some help/counseling or leave the relationship. I caution you to avoid the "I love him too much to let go" route because it will keep both of you stuck. Or he will emotionally withdraw and force your hand. Good luck I hope it gets better for you.