Ask Me Help Desk - Worth A 2nd Chance?

Hi All: my relationship was very complicated, too complicated to write here w/o judge mental responses... Anyway, key point was: we were madly fell in love, or at least I was and still am. Jon is a MD and I am a very successful investor. He is 53 years old and is older than me 18 years. We met 1 1/2years ago, and fell in love 6 months ago. Honestly, this was the very first time in my entire life that I ever fell in love deeply. We verbally hurt one another in our emails. He thinks that I gave him an empty promise relating to his career advancement to be my father's personal physician when it became complicated. His words were piecing through my heart when he questioned my motive of being a liar as I took his word "empty promise=liar". I was so hurt and felt insulted, and offended by his verbal attack because I have lived my life with integrity and when it was in questioned, I got back at him by pointing out lots of things that I doubt about him also, like he was with me because of FINANCIAL PURSUIT, things that I shouldn't have said.

He then felt offended and broke up with me in an email by saying that "After much introspection and thought, I realize that I do not love you. Your actions were hurtful and destructive and the impact on me remains strong. Please do not contact me again". I swallowed the bitterness. The pain was excruciating, I fell like I was dying after his email. My father began to step in to save what our relationship by offering the job etc. He told my father that he is no longer interest in pursuing me and his love for me was completely drained. My father is a psychologist/bus man, he responded to Jon's email that he does not believe that because the day before the breakup, Jon still said how much he loves me.

Anyway, I didn't know what to do. I checked online for advices, and found the NO CONTACT RULE AFTER THE BREAKUP. I followed that advice and sent an apology in an email below after a week of our breakup, and 4 hours later Jon responded below. Please read our communications and let me know whether I still have a second chance to win his heart. I just love him so so much, and feel so lost w/o him.

Jon,

This is an explanation, not a defense. I'm sorry for the pain, the hurt, the torment and the sorrow that I caused you. I am aware of my shortcomings. Sometimes when I pretend to be strong I come across as angry, cynical and pessimistic.

I have genuinely cared about you. I never meant to smother you. This is a learning experience for me. I never wanted this to happen, never thought it would, but now that it has I am trying to use it constructively to work on myself. I want to let you know that I am working on my own issues. I acknowledge that I contributed a lot on our problems. My actions pushed my best friend, lover, and my dearest away. I know that right now, no words can heal the pain I created. I've been praying for your forgiveness, but I'm not expecting for it from you right now. I've learned a lot from the challenges I have… it made me realized that the best use of life is love, the best expression of love is time, and the best time to love is the present.

I hope you do not choose to just remember the bad times. Please remember some of my virtues as well. That is how I choose to remember you.

With much affections,

LeAnn

His response:

LeAnn,
I am also sorry that things did not work out with us. We had some very happy and fun times and some very difficult times as well. I am trying to remember the good times and to keep a positive outlook as I move ahead. I do appreciate your kind and warm remarks. I have always wished the best for you and the girls and I continue to wish that. Stay healthy, Jon

It occurs to me that while you both said some dreadful things in the heat of the moment, coming from hurt pride or emotional pain, that you didn't mean - the result of this break-up (and even his taking offense in the first place) has more to do with OTHER issues around your relationship than just this business venture. If you (or he) has another relationship, situation or issue which is unresolved and hanging in the balance... this could have been a "safety-mechanism" for him to pin these feelings of insecurity or confusion about whether to continue your relationship on the career advancement issue when in reality there is a lot going on.

My advice to you would be that you continue to not make contact. If he felt the same way about you (or at the very least was ready to "do" something with those deep feelings) he would move past the things said in the heat of passion... because he is not, and because in his letter he's being conciliatory but very obviously "distant" (I wish you and the girls the best in your lives) you have no recourse but to respect his take on the relationship and stay back as he processes things.

If there's something you're not willing to see about this situation -- now is a good time to take stock. You may have fallen deeply in love but are you telling yourself you can't get this feeling from others/your present life?

Wishing you all the best.

HiWisperWill70:
You are so insightful. He is in a 27+ years of marriage. After our 1st time together, he told me that they found out that his wife has breast cancer and he can never leave her as it will be the end of her existence. He is the second men in my entire life that I have been with. I don't fall in love easy or out of love easy either. I had not had any relationship in almost 9 years after the divorce and I was terrified of heartaches because I am not built for emotional roller coaster. I married when I was only 18, never kissed until the wedding, so love was not a key point of that marriage. But I fell in love with Jon. And I was willing to be the shadow in his heart. My father approved because, I was so much in love with him. Yes, the career advancement was promised to be 2x higher salaries and only require to work 50% time. We came up with that solution so we can be together that was a key point. On the finance part, it would be much more than just the innitial salaries for him, as I said that I am a very successful investor, I can support his life and family all the things that they ever need. But I have doubt when he forcefully questioned my motive. My whole life, I can't take insults. So I lost it. My father understands the issue that he was frustrated to give answer at his home and losing the respect from his family of waiting for the employment with my dad to come through. So Jon poured that out on our relationship. I never swallowed my words. I still offer to support his career and all the promises that I can do for his family.

thanks for the response and the nice wish about my family and the girls.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WisperWill70

It occurs to me that while you both said some dreadful things in the heat of the moment, coming from hurt pride or emotional pain, that you didn't mean - the end result of this break-up (and even his taking offense in the first place) has more to do with OTHER issues around your relationship than just this business venture. If you (or he) has another relationship, situation or issue which is unresolved and hanging in the balance... this could have been a "safety-mechanism" for him to pin these feelings of insecurity or confusion about whether to continue your relationship on the career advancement issue when in reality there is a lot going on.

My advice to you would be that you continue to not make contact. If he felt the same way about you (or at the very least was ready to "do" something with those deep feelings) he would move past the things said in the heat of passion... because he is not, and because in his letter he's being conciliatory but very obviously "distant" (I wish you and the girls the best in your lives) you have no recourse but to respect his take on the relationship and stay back as he processes things.

If there's something you're not willing to see about this situation -- now is a good time to take stock. You may have fallen deeply in love but are you telling yourself you can't get this feeling from others/your present life?

Wishing you all the best.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeAnn Howard

He is in a 27+ years of marriage.

He is off limits to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeAnn Howard

they found out that his wife has breast cancer and he can never leave her as it will be the end of her existence.

He is off limits to you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeAnn Howard

I was willing to be the shadow in his heart.

And the shadow in the rest of his life as he will never be completely yours since he has a WIFE.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeAnn Howard

My father approved because, I was so much in love with him.

Your "psychologist" father approves of adultery?

I see you as a person with DEEP feelings (When you fall in love, you really fall in love!) and devotion. You came into this relationship with Jon with a lot of your own "self-work" to do and a great part of your heart is often in "self protection" mode to avoid heart-ache and pain (which came out as you "smothering" or or being cynical, pessimistic, pretending to be strong, etc.) --- BUT you seem to be taking a lot of responsibility (and stress) for the success or failure of the relationship. You are only human and yet you make great pains to explain your shortcomings in your letter... let's get one thing straight though: your shortcomings did not ruin this relationship!

You have not had many relationship experiences outside your marriage which you got into when you were very young. On some level you wanted to avoid "emotional roller coaster" and heart ache and yet you are now on one HUGE roller coaster with lots of swoops and loops -- this man is in a very complicated situation with his cancer stricken wife of 27 years and I'm afraid if you keep holding on to him, you will be in for heart ache and this is the roller-coaster to end all roller-coasters, trust me.

It's perhaps GOOD that the business venture did not go through because you (and your father) would be drawn into a BAD combination of personal relationship and finances from which disaster is the only outcome. (He may have been unconsciously using you to make his family life better... without any intentions to "be with you" in the process.) Even if Jon loves you too -- there is so much going on in his life that he could be unraveling his issues for years to come and never able to move towards you in the way you deserve.

You are now a wonderful and loving (and devoted) 35 year old woman with a family who depends on you to lead them into adulthood and be an example of good choices -that means showing yourself some respect. It's not too late! This is your chance to pull out of a disaster of misjudgement led by loneliness and the desire to love someone and put your attention into someone who is READY to love you and your family --- not in some vexing personal drama. Use your love towards yourself, your kids and someone who cares as much about you as you do them.

Thx... WisperWill70... for all the advices.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WisperWill70

I see you as a person with DEEP feelings (When you fall in love, you really fall in love!) and devotion. You came into this relationship with Jon with a lot of your own "self-work" to do and a great part of your heart is often in "self protection" mode to avoid heart-ache and pain (which came out as you "smothering" or or being cynical, pessimistic, pretending to be strong, etc.) --- BUT you seem to be taking a lot of responsibility (and stress) for the success or failure of the relationship. You are only human and yet you make great pains to explain your shortcomings in your letter.... let's get one thing straight though: your shortcomings did not ruin this relationship!

You have not had many relationship experiences outside your marriage which you got into when you were very young. On some level you wanted to avoid "emotional roller coaster" and heart ache and yet you are now on one HUGE roller coaster with lots of swoops and loops -- this man is in a very complicated situation with his cancer stricken wife of 27 years and I'm afraid if you keep holding on to him, you will be in for heart ache and this is the roller-coaster to end all roller-coasters, trust me.

It's perhaps GOOD that the business venture did not go through because you (and your father) would be drawn into a BAD combination of personal relationship and finances from which disaster is the only outcome. (He may have been unconsciously using you to make his family life better.... without any intentions to "be with you" in the process.) Even if Jon loves you too -- there is so much going on in his life that he could be unraveling his issues for years to come and never able to move towards you in the way you deserve.

You are now a wonderful and loving (and devoted) 35 year old woman with a family who depends on you to lead them into adulthood and be an example of good choices -that means showing yourself some respect. It's not too late! This is your chance to pull out of a disaster of misjudgement led by loneliness and the desire to love someone and put your attention into someone who is READY to love you and your family --- not in some vexing personal drama. Use your love towards yourself, your kids and someone who cares as much about you as you do them.

This thing was doomed from the beginning, and dragging a willing father into this didn't help at all. Cheating seldom brings about true love, or a happy ending.

Forget 2nd chances, just do the no contact, with no more letters. If you write one, BURN IT, after you read it an hour latter. I have no doubt you were madly in love, but that's no excuse for bad judgment.

What advice would YOU give your kids in love with a married person? Make sure you don't repeat the mistakes your own parent made.

Please seek a better path for your love, and a healthier outlet for your desperation. You have much to heal from, begin now.