We were making love without any problems and she seemed to enjoy making love until she revealed recently that she didn't enjoy having sex with me only sometimes and will not talk about it. I know she has been sexually abused and in the beginning of our relationship I asked her every step of the way is she OK with what we were doing and she assured me that she was. She has stopped showing an interest in any intimacy, even a cuddle or a kiss even though I have assured her it doesn't have to lead to sex. How long can I go on supporting her and denying my need to at least have a hug or a kiss now and again. I haven't pressured her and I have stopped approaching her for intimacy while remaining loving in other ways. I'm so afraid of bringing up bad memories occasionally when I touch her. I just don't know where to go from here
Any suggestions? Thanks N

First of all, thank you so much for being so loving and supportive to your girlfriend - she is very lucky! :-)

It would be a good idea to find a counseling/support group in your local area. It would be ideal if both of you went. There are often groups for both the abused and separate groups for family/significant others.

If your girlfriend is not willing to take that step - it just means she is not ready. Not a good idea to force someone take that step unless and until they are ready -- control-issues are often a hot-button because they had that control forcibly taken from them in an incredibly heinous way. Remember that anytime anyone is sexually abused, it is about the abuser having control over their victim.

Feelings of shame, fear, guilt, anger, and a host of others, cause the survivor to "clam-up" when asked to talk about their experiences -- even with a close loved one. It is very common for the sexually abused to hide how they really feel behind what they think is expected of them; but, that can only last for so long, regardless of the closeness of the relationship.

Understandably, it is very frustrating and upsetting for you. Support groups are free -- you might, also, want to ask your local police department for local resources, since law enforcement frequently deals with those issues. Or, if you have a chapter of Rape Crisis Intervention where you live, they can help, also - many molestation/incest survivors become rape victims for reasons too delicate, personal and lengthy to go into here. I know this because I am a survivor myself and truly wish I had sought counseling much, much earlier than I did...

It will be a journey of recovery for both of you. I hope this helps and I wish you both the very best! Take care!

I agree with the counseling, either together, or apart. Please don't give in to selfish needs, when dealing with a still traumatized partner.

How old are you, and how long have you been together?

Hey thank you for your thoughts. I love my partner and I am fully committed to our relationship. I have arranged for counseling for myself as I have intimacy issues from my experience of sexual abuse in my childhood too. So I am fully aware of how my partner must be feeling, we both have different issues. We are both approaching 50yrs old but age is irrelevant. My partner lives in the USA and I in England we have a company together and travel back and forth to each others home. We have been together for eight months. Thank you again for your thoughts :-)

I commend you on your gentleness your attitude of support and help and how committed you are to your girlfriend's well-being . I'm chiming in, because I too have been in a similar situation with a partner with abuse issues in the past.

As is so often true, we have mirror (and mutual) issues that need healing. Like you admit that you have some intimacy issues that you are working on as well. The more you explore this on your own and together (through counseling and communicating with each other) the easier it gets. It's easy to see another person in a relationship as "not giving me what I NEED/want" - when really what they're going through is exactly what YOU are going through (or have gone through)

This compassionate perspective opens up not only sexual intimacy but a lot of love and connection which can carry your relationship through anything. My other tips are to be patient with yourself.. if you feel yourself feeling frustrated... keep reminding yourself that her feelings aren't personal or about you and that nothing she's experiencing is intended to make you feel left out or isolated.

Great delicacy and compassion is needed in these cases and it sounds like you have everything it takes to be successful and become intimate and close to her.