I'm a straight acting, masculine gay man. I'm not in a relationship, and live a totally straight life.

There is someone that I've known for more than 6 years at work. We've always been good friends, gotten along. In the past few months, the friendship has turn into what I'm positive is "love". It's not a crush. Every day, it grows stronger, and the emotional connection I have for him is stronger. Jon is a straight man, wife, 2 kids. He shows no indication what so ever of being gay.

Recently, he voluntarily show me scars on his back, and just above his "private area". Without thinking, I touched the scars, he didn't pull back or flinch. I've also begun hugging him when he leaves my house - but never at work. I've told him that I've grown to have a strong emotional connection with him, and he thinks it's great. Short of tellng him, I've dropped several hints that I love him - he either doesn't seem to mind, or is really oblivious to the fact that I'm love "him" in a way that a straight man would love a women. He's even indicated that we could take a weekend in Las Vegas sometime.

I'm not a dreamer, I know his orientation, and he's told me dozens of stories of female conquests in great detail. I know this will only lead to a tragic end if I tell him. I feel very sad when I'm not with him. His smile lights up my heart - and I've told him that. I would rather be sad,and still maintain a friendship - I wouldn't tell him. But, if I confided in him, and told him I was gay - would it destroy everything, or worse - create an issue at work?

I've prayed for God's help - that he would help me to lift these feelings out of my heart, and to give me the strength to "move on". But for some reason, irrational or not, I believe that somehow, we just might be able to have something special. We love the same sports, hobbies, interests, and always enjoy the time we're together. He's a very happy and popular guy, with a hug circle of friends. I'm sure he has equally a great time with others.

I'm confused. I don't know what to do. Do I take a risk, or play it safe. Someone please help with advice to help me through this.

He is a married man, for that reaosn alone you should not try to pursue a relationship with him. I would say that whatever gender you are! Does he know you are gay? If not, you really shouldn't read into what you are seeing as shows of affection, why would he flinch if you touched his scars? For most people that wouldn't be sexual contact. It would be quite normal. I think maybe he is just affectionate because he is your friend, he probably sees the offer of a weekend in Vegas a lads weekend away, not a romatic trip for two. Of course if he knows you are gay, this may be utter rubbish.

I tend to think this friend of yours has a inkling of your sexual orientation. The hugging, you telling him about the strong emotional connection and he thinks it is great. Unless he is absolutely clueless and naïve, he may have an idea of what is going on with you.

But he is married, with children. Is he going to give that up? Maybe he is not gay, maybe he could be bi and be quite content to live in a bi world. Maybe he is as straight as an arrow and just has a curiousity.

If I were you, I would take my fixation and find another person who is single, unattached, and shares your orientation. If this man you swear to love is not gay and you make the move, he is not going to be the happiest camper.

But then, to be on your side here, what can you lose to tell him exactly how you feel? If you lose his friendship over that - it is not a friendship you would want to keep. There would always be that elephant in the room. Awkward!

You are in a very dificult position, as I see you have two options:

First: step forward and tell him what you think about him but before you do that you should be sure that he feels about you in the same way as u, because if not it could really ruin the relationship at work and friendship. You should first see if there is a spark between you by observing him while you two are together.
The best way for seeing if someone likes you is to start a conversation and than search for an eye contact while he is talking, if he can't return the eye contact and gets a little bit confused and if you feel his discomfort means that there is a spark, he can also return the eye contact look you back and keeps the eye contact for several seconds like he is intentionally doing that, because he doenst want you to feel his discomfort.
If he is a very open and energetic person, I think he is just acting friendly and has no idea of your feelings.
Second:
Disconnect emotionaly but I think you can't do that.
This will sound really crazy but the best way not to love the man is to hate it. Abandon friendship, wich will be very hard and just forget him. You can't do this either, I think.
Try to ignore the feelings.


If u ll be thinking about him everyday and won't do anything you ll just sit on the same point, having tough and deppresive time. Wich will hurt you a lot.
Do smoething don't wait follow your instinct.

Is a relationship possible? Obviously you have one, so it is possible. Is a SEXUAL relationship possible? I doubt it, and even if possible, it's wrong and foolish. If he decides to betray the trust of his wife and kids, don't let it be with you. If you value the friendship, let go of the sexual fantasy.

He is married and straight. Telling him about being gay should only be about you and not him. In other words if this was a platonic female coworker friendship, is this the point where you would confide that to her? If you think its going to be well received at work, then maybe you can risk it with him. But it won't advance your relationship the way you wish it to -- he is married and straight!

Only you can talk yourself into accepting that you want someone who is not available. Only you can give up the wanting on that basis. Sometimes we humans want what we can't have, simply because we can't have it. Pursue some dating perhaps and see if you can change your focus a bit.

Jw, I have read through everyone's response to you. You seem like an exceptionally bright person and I am gathering that you know what you have to do, and what is in confllict here is logic vs emotional fulfillment.

Just as an added thing for you to consider, if no one else at work knows you are gay, and you want to keep it that way, you cannot tell anyone, not even your friend.

And, as pretty much everyone else has pointed out, this guy is married. Even if you are willing to risk being outed at work, even if the guy is bi-curious, what you are contemplating is morally wrong. If you were a woman who fell in love with a married co-worker, I would say the same thing.

Let's take it out of context for a moment and think about the result. If your wildest fantasies came true, and this guy wanted a relationship with you, you will have to deal with the moral outrage of your co-workers, his wife, his friends, his extended family and most importantly, his children. You probably will never have a great relationship with them when you are the direct cause of their parents splitting up. You will have to deal with them as long as you are in a relationship with him. Please give this some serious thought.

Don't risk your job, his marriage and family, his friendship with you, for the desire to get your feelings out in the open. It is a very selfish act. You don't sound like a selfish person to me. But, you are someone who is obsessing and that is very dangerous territory. So, the bottom line is, you have to ask yourself, is it worth risking my job and his friendship to tell him how I feel? Very simple question. AND, the answer is, no it is not.

Please start considering spending less time with him and start looking for someone that you can actually build a life with. You sound like such a nice man. You deserve to have a normal relationship. This one comes with too many problems and heartache attached to it.

Rubypitbull gave a great answer.
You need to realize that there are times in one's life when moving on is the only possible option. I think this is one of those times for you. I'm sure you've been "in love" with others during your life. For whatever reason you've had to move on and after a time, the love fades and life continues. You'll get through this situation as well. I know you don't think you will, but as you've done in the past, you'll make it this time too. Sounds to me like your friend thinks you're as str8 as he is. He has no idea you have anything other than normal "guy to guy" feelings for him. Don't read into his reaction to you anything more than what it is. You're just fooling yourself and you'll be the one who's hurt in the end. MOVE ON and find a man who can and will give you everything you want. I'm sure he's out there somewhere waiting for someone like you. Good Luck!

~Ok that is a bit hard to sort out but you gay and he's straight. If this happens just leave him. Try and find someone else.

Sorry. But bottom line is... HE IS MARRIED!
And no matter what kind of relationship you want with him... It's not going to happen!

Get yourself back into reality mode before you lose a good friend and work colleague.

The guy is married- don't be the reason his family suffers. If he is gay (or bisexual) then let him figure it out on his own and work it out with his family, and THEN consider it. This is another one of those fantasies that at least for now should stay a fantasy:D

Hi I'm in a straight relationship, because I'm scared ov coming out. I fancy my very close mate and I think he feels the same way I'm not sure what I want.

My mate is single and I think keeps trying to thro the hint he doesn't like girls, he's really good looking and I like him.

So in your case I would want my friend to come out to your friend, it doesn't mean you have to go out together, because I'm in a straight with 1 child and another on the way I wouldn't give that up for my mate but I would tell him if it never worked out with my current girl I would be with him.

So my advice is TELL HIM
He's not much of a friend if he stops being your friend just because your gay!
He's a worthless friend if he does

Hope this helps u XwillX

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jwspriggs

I'm a straight acting, masculine gay man. I'm not in a relationship, and live a totally straight life.

There is someone that I've known for more than 6 years at work. We've always been good friends, gotten along. In the past few months, the friendship has turn into what I'm positive is "love". It's not a crush. Every day, it grows stronger, and the emotional connection I have for him is stronger. Jon is a straight man, wife, 2 kids. He shows no indication what so ever of being gay.

Recently, he voluntarily show me scars on his back, and just above his "private area". Without thinking, I touched the scars, he didn't pull back or flinch. I've also begun hugging him when he leaves my house - but never at work. I've told him that I've grown to have a strong emotional connection with him, and he thinks it's great. Short of tellng him, I've dropped several hints that I love him - he either doesn't seem to mind, or is really oblivious to the fact that I'm love "him" in a way that a straight man would love a women. He's even indicated that we could take a weekend in Las Vegas sometime.

I'm not a dreamer, I know his orientation, and he's told me dozens of stories of female conquests in great detail. I know this will only lead to a tragic end if I tell him. I feel very sad when I'm not with him. His smile lights up my heart - and I've told him that. I would rather be sad,and still maintain a friendship - I wouldn't tell him. But, if I confided in him, and told him I was gay - would it destroy everything, or worse - create an issue at work?

I've prayed for God's help - that he would help me to lift these feelings out of my heart, and to give me the strength to "move on". But for some reason, irrational or not, I believe that somehow, we just might be able to have something special. We love the same sports, hobbies, interests, and always enjoy the time we're together. He's a very happy and popular guy, with a hug circle of friends. I'm sure he has equally a great time with others.

I'm confused. I don't know what to do. Do I take a risk, or play it safe. Someone please help with advice to help me thru this.

---

Be his friend.

Insightful, to the point and realistic.You have provided him with enough clues about your feelings with no response from him. Two choices-keep him as a friend and reduce the intesity or phase the friendship out.