Hello, I'm a 39 yr old divorced woman with no children. I've been dating a 40 yr old man (no kids, never married) for over 9 months. Earlier in our relationship he said he was open to having kids, but also added that if he loved someone that did NOT want children, he wouldn't leave her over it. I remember telling him, "well you don't seem very passionate on having kids", he simply responded that he understood it sounded that way, but that wasn't the case.
About 4 months ago, the conversations came up again, and this time he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted children and he wasn't sure about marriage, and would just cross that bridge when the time was right. He seemed very uncomfortable and looked like a deer in headlights! I was upset, but he somehow schmoozed me into getting over it, and we were all lovey dovey again.
He is very sweet to me, caring, and I trust him completely, He always wants to be together, and we always spend our nights together at my place or his.
I was ready to end the relationship a few weeks ago (although I didn't tell him so), because he had yet to tell me he loved me, and I felt that if he didn't feel that he has love for me by now, he probably never would. He told me a few days after that that he loved me, I was happy and told him I love him too.
However, I began doubting our relationship, because he's so shy and conservative, that he never really talks or ask questions about our relationship. He is not close to his mother or siblings at all, which is strange to me. When I ask him about why, he simply says "I was always alone, so I grew up very independent". They barely talk, and his father died when he was young. I'm very close with my mother, and I've often heard that you should watch how a man acts with his family, and that will show what kind of man he is. Well, he is NOT close with his family at all, but he's always wanting to be with me, that's good isn't it? When my m other visits from overseas, he's gets along so well with her. I just can't seem to understand it.
Anyway, my dilemma is - Last night, I finally snapped and told him that I was tired of him always buying things for my place and then the same thing for his place. I told him it shows me that he doesn't see me as really having a future together if we always have to have for example, a $400 juicer at my place, and then if he likes it, he will buy one for his place too. I told him last night, that I want him to figure out what he wants in life, because "I don't know" isn't a fair answer for me. He's not 20 or 30, he's 40, and I just want a straight answer that no, he doesn't want children or marriage, or that yes, he would like that for himself in the near future.
(I told him that I want to be with someone that has the same goals as I do and a few of those goals are being married and trying to have a child in the next year or two). He told me that he feels the problem is that I feel 9 months is enough time to have a conversation about cohabitation, but for him it's not. He says he's still trying to see how well we get along. I can't help but think how his best friend was engaged to girl after 8 months of dating, and they only saw each other on the weekends - We see each other EVERYDAY! I'm afraid that I got caught up with my emotions, and should have waited a little while longer, or if I made the right choice. I told him that I don't need to get married right now or in the next 6 months, just want to know if we both have the same goals of wanting marriage and a child later down the road.
I told him to think about what he wants in life. For him to take a month, 3 months, hell even a year if he needs to, and if he realizes that he wants the same things I do in life, and if I'm still available and he's still available, that then maybe we can try again.
Right now I regret saying this. I didn't even let him respond. I told him to think about what he wanted for himself in life, and then I told him, "I love you, and I'll miss you, goodbye".
I'm hoping he will come back to me, but I don 't know. I do know I'm lonely and miss him so much. My heart is aching and I can't stop crying.
Did I get caught up in my emotions and over react? Should I email or call him and tell him that I want to talk? I hate to do this after I did all that, but I keep thinking how he said, "so we're not going to have a discussion over this?". And I said no. He then said, "so what do u want me to do?", I said, "I want you to figure out want you want in life".
My birthday is in the next 10 days, and I fear I will not even hear from him. Did I make a mistake? Was I wrong in telling him all this? I don't think I gave him an ultimatum, did I?
Any comments or advice would be greatly appreciated.
Thank you
