Hello all,

My boyfriend and I have been together for coming up to 4 years, he recently turned 21 and I am turning 21 in 2 months. Before his career took off, we lived with each other for a year and a half. We support each other 100%, he is in the army, a 2nd Lt and I am coming up to graduating from university. About 8 months ago, he admitted he had wondered about what it would be like to be with other women as he has only been with me, after this, things started to change, he openly states he doesn't want to lose me and loves me with all his heart and we got over that moment. Around this time, he Mum admitted to having an affair with an older man and was pregnant (Lately had the baby) and his parents have split up, I am starting to think he is comparing our relationship to theirs and is wanting to put commitment off for as long as possible, I have tried confronting him about this but his response is 'Hmmm', 'Maybe', 'I'm not sure'.

So from that, his latest thing is that he is 100% sure he wants to marry me but needs to be 110% sure. Now I understand the financial implications and the responsibility of marriage as it is a huge step in our lives but he is asking me to wait until he knows for certain I am the one, a contradictory statement in my eyes.

He also wants to put his career first that's fine, I 100% encourage him to do so, so I ask if we can go further in our lives in another way, I get my own place when I have a stable job and enough money to move out, he can contribute in small amounts as he would be away for a large amount of time. I thought it might be nice to have our own place, something that is ours.

But no, that is out of the question as he says he wants to save up for a house and doesn't see why he should contribute to that. Ok, so I accepted that one, so I said why don't we start saving up together in our joint savings account and whatever the other can put in, the other matches (And vice versa). But no, that is also out of the question.

I have asked if maybe in the next 2 years we could think about getting engaged but no, he feels that if he commits he cannot have a career and will not be able to experience life, something I can understand to an extent but for someone who wants to live his life with me forever, it is very negative.

I'm not asking for marriage, children straight away, I wanted to develop our relationship further and hopefully head that way one day!

I do completely understand making sure he wants the best in life before he commits and starts to have a life with someone, but I keep trying to make me a part of that but he has always a reason to why we shouldn't do something. I plead with him to ask for advice from his other army friends and if they are experiencing it to. Bless him, he is very aware that what he is asking from me is completely unreasonable but I have asked for a compromise but I can't manage to make him see that me being in his life and commitment is a massive positive.

All in all, I am hoping for someone's 2 pence worth on their opinion of the situation and how they would go about it. As I am finding it difficult to come to terms with whether I should run the risk and wait for him to find out he never wants to marry or should I scamper now and move on and find someone else?

If you need any more info, let me know :). Sorry for the massive paragraph, just wanted to make sure I gave you guys as much info to get a clearer picture.

Thanks!

I think you sound find someone who already knows what they want becauseif you wait any longer your going to regret doing so thinking that you could have alreadu found somebody else who wants to be with you

Get on your own and build your own happy life and career without him slowing you down. If 4 years isn't enough time to take a risk with real life, then its time to stop putting all your dreams on hold.

Obviously he isn't ready for what you want. May not be for YEARS! Explore and experiment on your own.

I agree if he is not 110 or 200 percent sure in 4 years he is not ever going to be.

As someone who got into a serious relationship at the same age as you when you started with your boyfriend -- (17 years old) I can offer a contrasting opinion to the "he should already know what he wants" guidance you might get. He may be too young, right now, to want to commit to the serious relationship of marriage It's possible that he will decide that you are the one and only for him and get ready to give you all you're hoping for but it sounds like he's reflecting on all the freedom and experimenting he missed out on getting in a serious long term relationship as a teenager. Having different experiences with different girls, focusing on his career, finding out what he wants and needs and cares about not to mention his own individuality independent from you. That is a very hurtful thing to contemplate, but it might be exactly what he's angling for. He may not end up taking all that freedom, but if you don't allow him to go in the direction he already wants to go in, you could lose him instead of growing closer.

If I could give myself some guidance at 21 it would have been this, and spared myself a great deal of heart-ache. He will settle down and focus his energy on family, engagement when he's ready and if you make too big a push for those things now he may bail or form a resentment towards you that takes YEARS to unravel.

Focusing on YOUR dreams and your career and your happiness right now (even dating other people) will either help you join with him if he's the guy for you when the time is right for both of you, OR you'll find someone who is a true partner for you and on the same page with your wants and needs as you start your life. If he loves you enough, taking some time to sort out his feelings won't take him away from you. After all, you want him to move into "adult responsibility/marriage/house" territory with a willing heart and out of his OWN choice and not because of pressure from the outside.

You're 21 and you have time.

The thing is, I have always said I will have my career and own place, I have always led a very independent life, more so than him. Therefore I understand that he might feel he loses out, but I have discussed if it is about sleeping with other people, but he says no, that is not what he means. He thinks he can't commit as much to the army if he commits to me, even though I encourage him to further his career as he has worked bloomin' hard to get there.

I wouldn't feel the need to ask where we were going if he hadn't said that he would rent a place with me as soon as I finished my university career, yes he did say that back in August, but he actually said he wanted to buy me a house. I thought that was very sweet and left it at that. He then also said that he wanted to be engaged as soon as he could financially do so, a year and a bit later of him being financially able to do so, and nothing. Heck, he bought a new car at the weekend and is wanting to spend the rest of his money on Canada for two weeks and taking me for a weekend away for my birthday (And no, there won't be a proposal then either). If he hadn't said any of the above, I wouldn't have felt the need to weigh up the pro's and con's of waiting around. Especially if I wait for 5 years, I'll nearly be 26 and will have to start the dating process all again, but because I love him, I don't want to!

But I agree I am young and I can find someone else and have a life but I don't want to do that because I do love him very very much. I have given him 8 months to figure out how he feels, I have given him time, I have spoken to his friends as he requested so I could understand the life of the army, heck, I have even googled everything I could possibly think of to find out why he believes such things as he struggles to say what he means.

It is only recently he said he is 100% sure I am the one but needs to be 110% sure he wants to marry, so he is filling a lot of doubt into my head as I feel I am just the girl that'll get him ready for marriage, then the next girlfriend he has, he married. YET, he denies this.

I guess I am running out of chances to understand him and the way he goes, he'll have to lose me completely to realise what he has lost.

You two have dated since your teen years and I think it is natural that he wants to experience life as an adult before he settles down. It might be a good idea for you too.
He feels comfortable with you and a part of him wants to hang on to you, keep you in the wings.
I think a break up would be good for both of you.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

You two have dated since your teen years and I think it is natural that he wants to experience life as an adult before he settles down. It might be a good idea for you too.
He feels comfortable with you and a part of him wants to hang on to you, keep you in the wings.
I think a break up would be good for both of you.

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I suggested a break up and seeing other people and he said no, he doesn't want that, 'why should we do that'. I have tried every possible route! Next step is for me to completely getting rid of him!

Your next step sounds like a wise one!

Yeah -if you decide to end the relationship and focus on you (your career, life, other relationships, happiness and path) he's going to measure out whether the army and exploring himself is more important or whether you are. Either way you'll be living your life and on track with what is right for you.

You can't leave him with the intention to wake him up, though... -- it's simply got to be just for you. If you move on... move on because you're moving on and not because you hope it will make him see the light. It MIGHT... but that's not the goal.

The army argument of his is because marriage with enlistment is really rough on young families... but you sound like you have such a good head on your shoulders that you could make it through those obstacles and support his career.

BUT --- I notice you're saying you are wanting him to settle down and commit to you but you're ready to fly out the door and leave him completely. ;)... could it be that YOU aren't as ready to commit as you say? If you wanted to try breaking up and seeing other people does that mean you are also wondering what else is out there? You say you have always been the more independent one, so maybe there is a part of you that loves this guy tremendously but is already wanting to explore things on your own.

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Originally Posted by WisperWill70

Yeah -if you decide to end the relationship and focus on you (your career, life, other relationships, happiness and path) he's going to measure out whether the army and exploring himself is more important or whether you are. Either way you'll be living your life and on track with what is right for you.

You can't leave him with the intention to wake him up, though... -- it's simply gotta be just for you. If you move on... move on because you're moving on and not because you hope it will make him see the light. It MIGHT... but that's not the goal.

The army argument of his is because marriage with enlistment is really rough on young families... but you sound like you have such a good head on your shoulders that you could make it through those obstacles and support his career.

BUT --- I notice you're saying you are wanting him to settle down and commit to you but you're ready to fly out the door and leave him completely. ;) ..... could it be that YOU aren't as ready to commit as you say? If you wanted to try breaking up and seeing other people does that mean you are also wondering what else is out there? You say you have always been the more independent one, so maybe there is a part of you that loves this guy tremendously but is already wanting to explore things on your own.

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The only reason why I would end it is because I don't want to be second best anymore, he has been in the army for over a year now and if we ever have a problem, it always gets pushed aside and it sometimes can take months before we get a chance to sort anything, but by that time comes, I have forgotten about it or I can't emotionally think about it anymore as it just brings up too much rubbish! My boyfriend has already said that he will never pick anyone over his career, no matter how much they meant to him, so sadly, he will never chase after me if it meant his career was pushed aside for the mean time.

I have asked him if we could move in together, something that I thought we were both ready for after nearly 4 years, especially as he said himself that he wanted all of that after my university career ended. I have asked in two years time can we consider engagement, but he says no to everything. I have always said I don't want to pressure him into anything and that I always want him to be honest. But due to his inconsistent opinion on us all the time, it is hard to keep up with him. I do ask him to have a serious think about what he wants but the one thing he is consistent about is that he loves me with all his heart and will do anything to keep me from leaving him, but I'm yet to see these words put into actions.

I don't feel the need to experience anything else (men), I was more than happy to wait for him, but because of his uncertainty I have begun to question whether I should wait for him. Especially as it seems that you guys are all saying exactly what my friends and family think I should do!

" he is consistent about is that he loves me with all his heart and will do anything to keep me from leaving him,"

Then walk away and let him prove it. It is not fair for him to leave you hanging and it sounds like you are not willing to do that. Moving in with him is not going to change who he is, so I think that would have been a mistake as well.

What is the rush?

Just continue working on yourself and let him continue working on himself, keep working on the relationship as well, the time will come eventually, when BOTH of you are ready to take the next step. You pressuring him will only make him doubt himself. But if things are going relatively well, I don't understand why you are wanting to put stress on the relationship in this manner.

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

" he is consistent about is that he loves me with all his heart and will do anything to keep me from leaving him,"

Then walk away and let him prove it. It is not fair for him to leave you hanging and it sounds like you are not willing to do that. Moving in with him is not going to change who he is, so I think that would have been a mistake as well.

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Yes!

And loving you with all his heart and being on the same page about what to DO with all that love are two different things. (and a lot of us get caught in that "I'm so comfy with you and I love you so much but I don't want to give up my freedom." conundrum) You say you're more than willing to wait for him but clearly... no you're not. He has thought about what he wants and what he wants to keep the relationship flowing, he doesn't want to see other people, but he also he wants to keep things as they ARE for now and explore what he wants to do.

You don't feel like you're heading in the same direction towards a mutual goal eventually because you're not.

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he has been in the army for over a year now and if we ever have a problem, it always gets pushed aside and it sometimes can take months before we get a chance to sort anything, but by that time comes, I have forgotten about it or I can't emotionally think about it anymore as it just brings up too much rubbish! My boyfriend has already said that he will never pick anyone over his career, no matter how much they meant to him, so sadly, he will never chase after me if it meant his career was pushed aside for the mean time.

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You want to wait on one hand... (don't want to give up on this relationship you guys have put so much energy into)... and you love him but on the other hand you know that if you DO go forward with the path together... (even if he agreed to living together or marriage) you can't fundamentally change who he is and what he wants to do with his life and make most important or those feelings of "I'm young and I want space to explore what I want to do."

. Any army wife knows that being "top banana" of importance in her husband's life just isn't always possible. Problems have to wait, issues take longer to resolve and your life isn't fully your own. Family time takes a back seat. If he takes on a Military Career, this is something you'd have to agree on as part of the path ahead...

Let him find his life path while you find yours and see what happens.

I think your planning years ahead and he doesn't want that,he wants to be free to spread his wings pursue his career and maybe when he's done all that - he might decide on a future with you -- or maybe not!

I think the both of you have had more than enough time to decide whether or not you wish to be together but obviously it has to be a two way thing. You both wish to follow your own careers, which is the right thing to do,for now though I would suggest that you both go your own separate ways and follow your individual dreams,whether it be through progressing in your career or by some other means.

You both need to spead your wings individually, which will allow you to grow into the people you wish to become, with all the aspirations and dreams for the future that may include each other or perhaps someone completely different.
I wish you luck.