Ask Me Help Desk - I love my best friend... But she has a boyfriend

Just so everyone knows, I'm in grade 10. I'm in love with my best friend. I've known her for about 4 years. And we've been REALLY close friends. And for about a year and a half I've really really liked her. But I never told her. And now she has a boyfriend.

Just so you guys know, she also tells me that he's an ******* sometimes and to me she never really seems happy with him. And her boyfriend hates it when we talk cause he knows that we're really close so he gets jealous. So lately we haven't been talking nearly as much. And that went on for a few months. And about three weeks ago he found out we walk home together and he got really mad. So we decided to stop talking at all for a bit. But in that conversation she told me she liked me A LOT before. She said was crazy about me. She told me that she needs me in her life and she always will.

I also told her I really liked her. And I wish we could go back. And she wishes we could too. Anyway we stopped talking and in two weeks she texted me saying she can't do it anymore. That she needs to talk to me. So we talked for a few days. Then she said she doesn't feel good lying to her boyfriend cause she told him that we stopped talking. And again we told each other we really like each other. And she said she doesn't want to say it but she knows she still likes me. Then she said it wouldn't be fair to me if I waited for her. But she also told me that she wants me to wait for her. So I told her I would. Then we stopped talking again.

It's been two weeks since that. And I see her every day and we meet eyes and we don't say a word to each other. But I want to so bad. The thing is, I really really want to be with her and I want to wait for her. And I know it hasn't been very long at all. But I feel like a backup for her, more and more everyday. I just don't know if I should or shouldn't wait, or if I should talk to her. I just don't know what to do. She means the world to me and I can't talk to her :( I feel like her heart is really with me but she can't break up with him. I could just really use some help right now

Oh wow what a situation. This is why male and female friendships get messy- don't worry I've been there myself. I think this girl wants her cake and to eat it to. Continue with what is going on and give it time- everything will reveal itself. However ask yourself this, if she likes you as much as she say she does why hasn't she broke up with him? Possibly because she actually in fact likes him too?
And the fact she tells you he's this that and the other, maybe that's to keep you in the loop and give you the impression there are problems when maybe there isn't? It's so awkward I don't want to upset you but these are all things you must consider because you don't want to be someone's insurance- your better than that. Use your head not your heart, and in the mean time take up a hobby (lol I know) to try and keep you from driving yourself nuts thinking about it all. Leaving word; remember there's over 8 billion people in the word- don't let 1 upset you !

Yeah I know what your saying. Your right. And I know she does like him too. But I think that a big reason she doesn't want to break up with him is cause every time he got mad at us talking he would say why don't you two just be together. And she would say that we are just friends. And now she doesn't want to prove him right, if that makes sense. And hahaha I do have hobbies. I do a lot of things in my spare time, mostly sports. But it'd just really really really hard to get her off my mind. She actually means a lot to me. But this got me thinking about it and I really don't want to be a backup. Your definitely right. Thanks a lot!

You never wait for someone to break up and then take your shot. She clearly just wants you as a friend, ut she clearly wants him a s her boyfriend. If she wanted you, then she would choose you. She didn't even though she is told who she can, and cannot be with. BUMMER!

Forget romance and open your mind to others, no matter how hard that is, and I do understand the attachment to her after so long, but it really is time to break the attachment for your own good.

When she says don't wait, telling her you will is the wrong answer. You should have said we can stay friends, and then disappeared and started doing your own thing, the way she does.

I shake my head at all the females you have missed having fun with. Change that.

Ahhh as much as I don't want to say it, your right. But it's hard to just let her go like that. She really does mean a lot to me. And I definitely still want to be friends. But I am really going to try to stop thinking about her all the time. I have to forget about her that way.

Yeah its hard to let go when you have never done it before, or don't want to, but that's part of the learning experience... "growing pains"! Well named huh?

Find out what your thing is and do it, and enjoy it. You have wrapped up enough time on this person.

It seems as if she likes you, but as a friend. If she wants you romantically she would break up with her boyfriend and attempt to work at something with you. You are a great friend to he and she doesn't want that to go away. You need to back off completely for a while until your feelings die before you can continue to have a friendship with her. Seeing her with someone else is extremely unhealthy for you at this point, not to mention the creation of false hope.

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I'm in grade 10. And I'm a guy. And I really do love my best friend. I can never get her off my mind. But she has a boyfriend. Usually, he treats her like like and once in a while he's nice. Her boyfriends HATES it when we talk cause he knows how close we are. And about a month and a half ago he told her that we have to stop talking. Me, being a good friend said its okay cause it's not her fault. I wast going to hold anything against her. Anyway like a week later she said she couldn't do it anymore. That she needs to talk to me. So we ended up telling each other how we feel about each other.

She said she REALLY likes me and I told her the same. And since then I've pretty much been "waiting for her". And I was fine with that. Until now

About two weeks ago she told me that she really just wants to be with me but she can't break up with him yet cause she still has feelings for him. She doesn't want to be with me and have feelings for him at the same time. And she said that she's going to break up with him but she just needs some time. She said she really wants me to wait for her. I said okay but I know I'm going to start feeling like a backup. And then she got really sad and kept saying I wasn't a backup. And that just ended with us saying we really like each other and hopefully we will be together soon.

So that brings us to now. After that day she was really happy with me and she was talking to me a lot even though her boyfriend thinks we don't at all for the past month. But for the last week it seems like she's happy with him. And she's barely talking to me. And when she does it's just not the same. Idk how to explain it. And now I just don't know what she wants. Does she want to be with me or not. I kind of just want to tell her that I really want to be with her but I'm getting sick of guessing what she wants. But I don't think I should. What should I do??

First of all, you don't want to be a ricochet, fall-back boyfriend. And you definitely don't want to be her boyfriend if she still thinks about her ex. And you want some time to go by after she leaves him so she isn't confused about whom she really cares about. And right now nothing's happening.

So where does all that lead?

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

First of all, you don't want to be a ricochet, fall-back boyfriend. And you definitely don't want to be her boyfriend if she still thinks about her ex. And you want some time to go by after she leaves him so she isn't confused about whom she really cares about. And right now nothing's happening.

So where does all that lead?

I know all that. I don't want to be a backup. I'm not insurance for her. But I don't know if I should say something to her about it now.

What would that accomplish except hearing the same old excuses all over again? What you actually thought that she was working on getting rid of him to be with you??

I get your tired of waiting and hoping but you better stop listening to her BS, and believing it! We call that false hope. And she feeds you plenty of it. You are just the secret friend who gives her attention and listens to her.

Once you hang your head around that and decide to JUST be a friend, without the false hope of love, romance or her being with you, you will stop waiting, and explore your world for better chances at romance.

You have made her a priority, and she has you as an option. What's wrong with that picture?? What are you thinking? Go ahead talk to her about YOUR feelings.

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I don't want to be a backup. I'm not insurance for her.

To bad you are all these things. Everything but a true friend, and as long as having romance with her is what motivates you, you can never be a true friend.

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Originally Posted by canucks101

Just so everyone knows, I'm in grade 10. I'm in love with my best friend. I've known her for about 4 years. And we've been REALLY close friends. And for about a year and a half I've really really liked her. But I never told her. And now she has a boyfriend.

Just so you guys know, she also tells me that he's an ******* sometimes and to me she never really seems happy with him. And her boyfriend hates it when we talk cause he knows that we're really close so he gets jealous. So lately we haven't been talking nearly as much. And that went on for a few months. And about three weeks ago he found out we walk home together and he got really mad. So we decided to stop talking at all for a bit. But in that conversation she told me she liked me A LOT before. She said was crazy about me. She told me that she needs me in her life and she always will.

I also told her I really liked her. And I wish we could go back. And she wishes we could too. Anyway we stopped talking and in two weeks she texted me saying she can't do it anymore. That she needs to talk to me. So we talked for a few days. Then she said she doesn't feel good lying to her boyfriend cause she told him that we stopped talking. And again we told each other we really like each other. And she said she doesn't want to say it but she knows she still likes me. Then she said it wouldn't be fair to me if I waited for her. But she also told me that she wants me to wait for her. So I told her I would. Then we stopped talking again.

It's been two weeks since that. And I see her every day and we meet eyes and we don't say a word to each other. But I want to so bad. The thing is, I really really want to be with her and I want to wait for her. And I know it hasn't been very long at all. But I feel like a backup for her, more and more everyday. I just don't know if I should or shouldn't wait, or if I should talk to her. I just don't know what to do. She means the world to me and I can't talk to her :( I feel like her heart is really with me but she can't break up with him. I could just really use some help right now

It Gets Better. Coming out as a teen can be tough, so you may want to wait until after you graduate, depending on how your school and students respond to the LGBT community needs. I think I understand how you feel because I've had boyfriends (I'm a guy) that suddenly are gone, found somebody else but didn't talk to me about why cause I would try to change.

In your case, the early love for your friend is beautiful. She knows how you feel and probably feels guilty leaving you behind. But its best to accept this for now and not approach her or her guy. You can smile when you make eye contact to show you're okay. Who knows what might develop after high school, so keep in touch with her. She may come around to deciding she wants to be gay.

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Originally Posted by jbs4352

It Gets Better. Coming out as a teen can be tough, so you may want to wait until after you graduate, depending on how your school and students respond to the LGBT community needs.

She may come around to deciding she wants to be gay.

Did I miss something here? I didn't see anywhere that this guy claims to be gay or a girl.

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Originally Posted by odinn7

Did I miss something here? I didn't see anywhere that this guy claims to be gay or a girl.

My bad. I assumed from the tone of the letter that it was written by a woman, and I apologize for my misunderstanding.

It happens. Sometimes it gets confusing reading these posts.

And despite an androgynous user name, we never asked about male or female.