Is my girlfriend ill? Or losing interest?
So this probably seems very much like a lot of the other concerns people have posted so before I start, I would like to express my appreciation to anyone who takes the time to read and respond to this. I am a member on other forums pertaining to my hobbies (totally unrelated to this) and have already been cited as an incredibly long-winded typer. So, my apologies before hand. I try to cut it short, but I just can't seem to do it. (maybe I should start another thread for this?)
I have read a great deal of information, including other members questions, but I just don't feel like Im getting anything I can apply to my life out of this. Im not sure if my concern is more or less complex than anyone else's but I am certain that it has become a big enough problem for me to lose sleep over, question my position in life as well as my relationship, as well as major loss of motivation for my work or my hobbies. (nearly the same category, Im a horticulturist.)
Here's the scenario. Grab a drink and a pop tart or something. I'll try to be concise but ill probably still just say everything I want to and just pray that someone takes the time to read it. (just like every other thread I've ever posted) ::::
I've been going out with this girl for a year now, and I just love her more than life. Each of us has had several other relationships, or partners. Aside from a couple of issues including this one, our relationship has been flawless. We seem to be exactly what each other needs. I felt like telling her that I loved her the very first night we ever hung out. (on which we had sex several times, which was behavior FAR from normal for either of us.) She tells me she felt the same, and it has been deep and intense love ever since that night. We still spend many nights lying awake just talking about how we feel about each other. Up until the last few months, things have been great.
Like I said before, I've had other lasting relationships, that ended in accordance with the logical state of our lives. Never before have I seen something quite like this though. I've tried approaching it from several angles, and the more information I get the more baffled I become. We really only have sex maybe a few times in a month. At first, I felt hurt. I felt as thought the fire we had was beginning to flicker. But now based on more current information, I'm just utterly confused. She doesn't have a drinking issue, but she does go out dancing with her friends and does get "tipsy" about every Friday. I feel that to truly understand how I am feeling you should understand some other information.
I trust her with my heart, like I trust myself with hers. I could never hurt her. However I have security issues Im not really going to discuss in this thread around the friends she goes out with. I will say though that my paranoia seemed to have actually manifested itself when she got an anonymous letter in the mail, accusing me of cheating on her with my ex-girlfriend. Not only that, but it also made some other pretty vicious and unfounded accusations at me as a person. They did however hit the nail right on the head when they said I was insecure. But its like, of COARSE I'm insecure! I was right! Wasn't I?
Of coarse the whole thing seems really childish and silly. Which is exactly how we responded. At first I was hurt, especially because it was obviously from someone I was trying to befriend, and someone close to her, but after a night of reflection we thought it to be rather silly. I didn't even need to explain myself to her. She knows me. We posted it on myspace in a blog, for all to point and laugh at. (if you're wondering at this point, I'm 25, she's 24. Still both in college :(..
If your asking "what the hell does this have to do with anything" Im getting there. See, we both took it as a joke. We made a public joke out of it, but nothing has really changed. We're still hanging out with the same people. I've even begin to come out of my shell and go out with them. As though the whole thing has been forgiven, and I, given an unspoken apology? Anyway, I find myself thinking about it more and more. I wish I had answers. I wish I knew who it was. I wish I knew what she really thought about it. Did she believe any of it? Of coarse she knows I am insecure, its an issue we've always discussed, and have tried, successfully to a great extent, to work on) Okay, enough info, the point:
ever since then, her sex drive seems to be dwindling. My sex drive, as usual, is out of control. I come onto her, but don't pressure her. I've leaned that if she doesn't feel like it not to pressure. We've already had that argument when this all began. At first, I chose to confront her with the conversation, "Is it me? Are you losing interest?" That seemed to trigger a great deal of anger. To sum it up, "no, its just me. Its my body" was the answer.
And to some extent has made a lot of sense. But then, the timing with the letter thing. I don't know. She's been so distant lately. She seems to get annoyed. Like I'm in her way. All I want is to hold her and cuddle and talk. I start to feel "clingy" and annoying. Needless to say, sex is out of the question, and any attempt at the idea is quickly met with harsh rejection.
I do my best to not let it bother me, but in all honesty, I get a little quiet and sad upon getting out of bed after a night like this. Total confusion, and I can tell she can tell. I try to give her space and run five or six miles. I masturbate. "Kill the testosterone" I tell myself. I wish I could work right now, but weather just doesn't permit. I think she wants more space, but when I try to talk to her about that she meets me with "don't. thats not true. I love having you around."
She still constantly tells me that she loves me. She told me just the other night that she wants to spend her life with me. That she wants to have children with me. I told her I felt the same. Im mad about her. I would do anything for her. (even post my most sensitive thoughts on the internet in a desperate attempt to help our relationship)
There were a couple of painful times having sex for her. Not during, but after she had climaxed, she was telling me that there was a very sharp pain in her left ovary. "its like the tube is pulled tight like a guitar string" she said. Of coarse I freaked out. I wanted to rush her to the hospital. I tried to convince her to see a doctor or a gynecologist. We can't afford insurance, nonetheless a visit to a clinic and she is very afraid of debt. She can be so stubborn. There was nothing I could do. I have a lot of bad dreams about this still though its only happened twice a few months ago. Since then it seems like, when she wants to have sex, we have great sex. It seems like maybe the whole problem has blown over? I tried researching it myself, but found nothing useful. When I ask about it I get "sometimes a woman's body is a strange thing." Great. That's not real reassuring.
Other times she tells me that she wants to do it, but can't get wet. I tell her I can get her wet orally, but she doesn't want that. Its as though her system is simply "turned off". Literally. Then, when she's "on" I notice that her secretion is a lot thicker than usual and white. I do her laundry for her when she is either at work or school, and notice sometimes that her panties are soaked with it. How could that be? Did she get aroused somewhere else? At school? At work? How did that happen? Why doesn't it ever happen when we want it to? It scares the crap out of me either way I look at it. Its almost like I would rather believe that she is losing interest in me, than to think that she could have a life-threatening illness and leave my life forever. Either way you look at it, I will be crushed under the weight of circumstance.
I consider myself to be very experienced sexually and she tells me every time that I am amazing. I am very athletic, and without sounding vain or conceded, I will say that I am attractive, as is she. In my mind she is all I ever think about sexually. When I masturbate, I have to think of her to climax. There doesn't seem to be any REAL reason she wouldn't be attracted to me anymore. I am most always very gentle, (unless asked to be otherwise) and sensitive to her wants and needs. I know that she is always blown away by the way I perform, and I her.
So here are some questions I am asking, if I didn't make myself clear in the presentation, which is very likely considering I am the worst writer on the face of the earth.
Is she sick? What would cause a change in the thickness of her secretion?
could alcohol effect this? What about the whole ovary thing? Im a bit of a hypochondiract, but she's a bit of a "sweeper under the rugger".
How can I get her help if we think it is warranted? How can I conVINCE her that she needs to do it? Is there clinics that will help us financially?
Is it POSSIBLE, that she is attracted to someone else? Hence the saturated panties, and thus losing interest in me? Could the letter have planted the seed of doubt in her mind, and she is thinking about someone else? Like I said, I trust her so much, this seems impossible, but somehow better than the alternative.
Could it be a combination of BOTH? Maybe the letter, causing her to question her closest friends, created enough stress in her life to cause abnormalities in her sexual behavior?
Any thoughts about that letter? Any would be appreciated.
Is this "kill the testosterone" running/frequent masturbation thing healthy? It honestly helps. I find that I am much happier and talkative after doing this, thus standing a much greater chance of actually having sex. Oops too long. Ill post the rest after
