Ask Me Help Desk - Long distance, cross-cultural relationship

I have just broken off a relationship with a man (34 yrs, I'm 28) who I love dearly because I am afraid that it will not work. We met on vacation last Spring in his country, Morocco. Sparks flew, he is gentle and kind and we fell hard.
I was never the type to believe that long distance relationships work -- why I didn't break it off after I returned home to Canada I do not know.
I went to visit him for a month this January and fell deeper in love. He was going to come to visit me, but he was refused a temporary visitor's visa (apparently this is not uncommon to be refused if you're from a developing country, even if you are well off, which he is not). Before that I was thinking maybe I should end it, but I didn't give it that much thought and panicked when he couldn't come, so I bought a plane ticket. After I bought my ticket I started having doubts as I learned how complicated immigration is etc.
While visiting I felt very much in love, not just chemistry but intellectually, his character is wonderful etc. I loved his family. BUT my gut was telling me it isn't going to work and I was miserable. I saw how great the difference in culture is between us and he is far more religious than I realized (we did talke about this before the visit, but we obviously didn't discuss it enough).
I don't really like being in Morocco because of the culture shock I experienced. He is willing to come here but I'm not sure it will work given my concerns about the culture/religious differences. I'm not sure I can handle going through immigration (it takes a year before they would allow him to come) and I am not in a financial position to support someone right now (although this will change).
The religious differences don't concern me that much, but I am concerned that I will feel left out of a big part of his life if I am not in love with his culture as much as I am with him. I hated when I was with his friends and they only spoke Arabic. I got tired of eating the food. If he came here, I would still need to participate in Moroccan culture - I can't expect him to be someone he is not. I didn't realize the cultural difference would bother me before I went - I thought they would be enriching - but now I am wondering if I will 'get tired' of having to always celebrate different holidays, eat Moroccan food, learn Arabic etc. He says he doesn't care about the religious difference, but will he change his mind when he's older or after we have kids?
Our main problem is that he cannot just come here to visit, I cannot see him in my environment to see if we work together in Canada. I would have to marry him for him to come here.
I told him it wouldn't work. I am so in love with and hurting so much, and I know I have hurt him deeply. Did I do the right thing? Would we ever have a happy marriage? Can these doubts be overcome? I am so afraid that I am losing the best thing that ever happened to me and that I will never feel this much love for someone again.

Sound as though you have a lot of if's to think about. Let time deal with it as you get your own life together. Right now the distance will be a killer so until he can overcome that part and deal with the face to face you'll never be able to deal with the cultural aspects of marriage. No doubt he will expect you to adapt his ways or pretty close and as he sounds muslim his view of leading his household may be something you have to consider and kids... to much to think about seeing he isn't there. Its has been done this cross cultural thing but it ain't easy, so move ahead with your life and take him and a relationship slowly, very slowly if it materialises at all.

Thanks Talaniman. I liked what I saw when I saw the way his sister and husband ran their household. I guess the reason I ended it was because I don't think I will ever have more information than I do now until I married him so he could be with me long term. I don't want to leave him hanging - it seems unfair. I feel bad partly because a major factor in my decision is money - travelling there is expensive obviously and I'd have to support him after he moved for a while. I think I feel a bit time pressured too - like at 28 I don't have time to make a mistake. Also a lot of people say that the passion drops off after 6 months -- it's been more than 6 months, but not in person. After the passion 'dropped off' I'm pretty sure we'd still be in love, whatever happened, but maybe the long distance factor is exaggerating my feelings?

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Originally Posted by sands_d

Before that I was thinking maybe I should end it, but I didn't give it that much thought and panicked when he couldn't come, so I bought a plane ticket.losing the best thing that ever happened to me and that I will never feel this much love for someone again.

I’d like to point out that you said here you were already having doubts and thought you should end it. Even before the trip to Morocco, doubts were in place. Before all the other issues that were different you seemed to know this wasn’t a good situation. Sometimes that inner voice is screaming to be heard and I think this was one of those times.

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Originally Posted by sands_d

After I bought my ticket I started having doubts as I learned how complicated immigration is etc. While visiting I felt very much in love, not just chemistry but intellectually, his character is wonderful etc. I loved his family. BUT my gut was telling me it isn't going to work and I was miserable.

Your gut was telling you this for a reason. Your gut is always right. If you have a 100 people telling you to go left but your gut says go right - go right.

I also get the impression you might be in love with the idea of being in love with someone that is “exotic.” By that I mean he’s different in that he comes from a different culture, language and social framework than that seen here in the West.

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Originally Posted by sands_d

I saw how great the difference in culture is between us and he is far more religious than I realized (we did talke about this before the visit, but we obviously didn't discuss it enough).
I don't really like being in Morocco because of the culture shock I experienced. He is willing to come here but I'm not sure it will work given my concerns about the culture/religious differences.

I work on an island with hundreds of Jamaican’s in the United States and some of them can adjust quite well and others have a hard time with it. It really boils down to the individual. That being said, I’ve never been to Morocco and I guess I’m naïve because I didn’t realize it was a poor country but he might be attempting to marry you as a reason to get out of the country. I know many Jamaicans prey on American men and women where I’m at to get them to marry them in hopes of getting out of that third world country.

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Originally Posted by sands_d

I'm not sure I can handle going through immigration (it takes a year before they would allow him to come) and I am not in a financial position to support someone right now (although this will change).

That just scares me to think that you would even support him or consider it for some kind of time frame. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t help or take the responsibility in certain situations but he should want to support himself, especially if he were to leave a poor country for Canada.

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Originally Posted by sands_d

The religious differences don't concern me that much, but I am concerned that I will feel left out of a big part of his life if I am not in love with his culture as much as I am with him. I hated when I was with his friends and they only spoke Arabic. I got tired of eating the food. If he came here, I would still need to participate in Moroccan culture - I can't expect him to be someone he is not.

I sort of disagree with you there. I mean if I agree that he should be able to practice his religion and should have friends that have similar qualities. But if he chooses to move to Canada then he also chooses to accept Canadian culture. Canadians and Canadian culture do not have to change for him.

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Originally Posted by sands_d

I didn't realize the cultural difference would bother me before I went - I thought they would be enriching - but now I am wondering if I will 'get tired' of having to always celebrate different holidays, eat Moroccan food, learn Arabic etc.

I think it would be great to experience many cultures of the world. But I would do that on vacation and always come back home to the because as you suggest if you really wanted to be somewhere else you’d make the effort to be there. But I would do that in a vacation and I wonder if before you left you were thinking vacation but once you got there you realized lifetime commitment and it suddenly hit you the vacation was over.

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Originally Posted by sands_d

He says he doesn't care about the religious difference, but will he change his mind when he's older or after we have kids?

That’s a great question.

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Originally Posted by sands_d

Our main problem is that he cannot just come here to visit, I cannot see him in my environment to see if we work together in Canada. I would have to marry him for him to come here.
I told him it wouldn't work. I am so in love with and hurting so much, and I know I have hurt him deeply. Did I do the right thing?

I think that you did.

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Originally Posted by sands_d

Would we ever have a happy marriage?

I think you would have to spend time together to find out. Your still in the butterfly stages but once that wears off and your left to face your differences, that would be when the real test starts. I can’t say if it would work or not but it seems like a huge risk to take.

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Originally Posted by sands_d

Can these doubts be overcome?

Again I point out to you that you had the doubts even before you realized all the differences between you. That tells me you probably can’t overcome them. But you inner voice is never wrong.

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Originally Posted by sands_d

I am so afraid that I am losing the best thing that ever happened to me and that I will never feel this much love for someone again.

I can’t tell you what your going to feel in the future but are you even sure this is love? Perhaps you were in love with the idea of being in love. I mean you don’t really know him and you haven’t been around that much. Even when you were around him you didn’t approve of or at least differed on some of his beliefs, values, and behaviors.

Thanks for your response Chuff. I only meant to to support him for a little while until he finds a job. I guess I am having trouble telling whether my fears are my own or what my family has been trying to drill into me. They were dead set against it from the start because they believe that immigration won't allow him in (not true, I did my research) and that the cultural differences will grate on the marriage. On the other hand, they could be mostly right and I could be in denial because it hurts.

It seems wrong to break up with someone who you're in love with. But maybe with time I'll know better what my feelings really are.

I have to disagree with chuff... You seem to be having conflict in both directions, not just the possible problems down the line...

Possible problems are not a good reason to end a relationship, in my opinion... How can you know that these things WILL be problems until they have actually become so?

Now, the distance is another matter... Only you can decide if that's a deal breaker. It's different from person to person.

Look at it another way. You've all ready broken his heart, if he really cared about you at all. He's probably gone to his friends and they've probably been repeating the same advice your family has been giving you. That is, 'See, it would have never worked out' 'Isn't she exactly the way we told you she'd be?' etc. In all likelihood he has very little trust left to share with you.

By making the first step you may have all ready set this in stone. Reconcilliation will be a long road to hoe, if he was ever serious about this. There's not an easy answer.

It seems like you've made your bed and now you have to sleep in it. I would have suggested a more relaxed course of action had you come here sooner but with things as they are it is probably in your best interests to move on. But continue to think on it for a while, that can't hurt...

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Originally Posted by LBP

I have to disagree with chuff... You seem to be having conflict in both directions, not just the possible problems down the line...

You’re not really clear on what it is you disagree about. I assume from that line about conflict in both directions, not just down the road that you mean conflict currently and before this situation. Assuming that’s what you mean, and I am assuming because I have no idea, but I actually addressed that in my post. In fact I wrote something like this.

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Originally Posted by chuff

I’d like to point out that you said here you were already having doubts and thought you should end it. Even before the trip to Morocco, doubts were in place. Before all the other issues that were different you seemed to know this wasn’t a good situation. Sometimes that inner voice is screaming to be heard and I think this was one of those times.

And this

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Originally Posted by chuff

Again I point out to you that you had the doubts even before you realized all the differences between you. That tells me you probably can’t overcome them. But you inner voice is never wrong.

I clearly pointed out that she had doubts that superseded any of the other problems that this relationship would bring.

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Originally Posted by LBP

Possible problems are not a good reason to end a relationship, in my opinion... How can you know that these things WILL be problems until they have actually become so?

And now I’m going to disagree with you. If you find out someone your dating a drug addict, alcoholic, abuser it’s best to drop them. Could they change for you. Yes. Are the chances that is going to happen high. No.

In this particular situation she only knows this person from very little interaction on his cultural turf. She’s not willing to move to a poor country so his only other option is coming to a rich one. That’s a cultural shock that he’s never experienced. I can tell you from first hand experience that some people can handle it and others can’t. But she won’t even be able to find that out for at least a year. On top of that there is no guarantee Canada’s government will let him in the country down the road. Even in marriage to a citizen that is no guarantee. So that’s another year out of her life for somebody who she has no “real” time with. By real I mean contact in person and not over the phone or email.

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Originally Posted by LBP

Now, the distance is another matter... Only you can decide if that's a deal breaker. It's different from person to person.

We do agree here.

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Originally Posted by LBP

Look at it another way. You've all ready broken his heart, if he really cared about you at all.

And this is a great point that I didn’t really want to say before but since your brought it up I will follow up. There is no guarantee he really cared. His goal might have been to leave a third world country and get into a wealthy country and live off the system. That’s why I cringed when she said she was willing to support him.

Basically I was saying that she didn't know whether it was best to be with him or be without him, not that she was thinking it was best to be without him - her conflict went both directions.

I don't see addiction as a possible problem. I see it as a very tangible problem.

When I say possible problem, I'm thinking things like "We seem to disagree on what is most fun to do with an evening" and "I don't really like his music all that much" etc etc. I mean you can't really know about this stuff until you've faced it for a while... And then, if it's insurmountable, you deal with it then. Otherwise you're just avoiding intimacy. IF that's what you want, great! But intimacy means facing the differences between you and your SO, whatever they maybe. If you say "Oh, here's a possible issue" then you're going to keeps aying that until you realize that there are ALWAYS issues and suddenly you've spent half your life turning away perfectly good people for no real reason at all.

And yes, there's no promise that he had anything going for wanting to be with her other than the prospect of a meal ticket... I've seen it happen, too.

You're certainly wise to play it cautiously which is obviously what you're doing. Religious/cultural differences often turn out to be major stumbling blocks when it comes to relationships, especially if children come along. You may both tell yourselves now that they won't make a difference but you may only be kidding yourselves. Obviously you are not all that impressed with Moroccan culture and, as you've said, he hasn't had a chance to sample Canadian culture. All things considered, if you feel that there's a compatibility problem here then there probably is.

For the reasons you guys have given and more, all the better to go slow and work through these things before a commitment. Especially given the distance factor Which makes it so very hard to interact and get to know someone.

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Originally Posted by LBP

And yes, there's no promise that he had anything going for wanting to be with her other than the prospect of a meal ticket... I've seen it happen, too.

I am pretty sure he doesn't see me as just a meal ticket because he was really hurting when I left. He'd have to be a pretty good actor to fake that.

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Originally Posted by LBP

When I say possible problem, I'm thinking things like "We seem to disagree on what is most fun to do with an evening" and "I don't really like his music all that much" etc etc. I mean you can't really know about this stuff until you've faced it for a while... And then, if it's insurmountable, you deal with it then. Otherwise you're just avoiding intimacy .

I'm not worried about not liking his music or what to do in the evening. These are not insurmountable problems. I'm worried about can we agree on what we tell our kids about religion, if he can handle being so far from home, if he can support himself here... I think I am just overwhelmed by all the problems and unknowns -- things that I would not be faced with if we lived in the same country. For this relationship, I would sacrifice more than for a short distance relationship. And I would have to support him just for a while when he comes -- it would be unavoidable -- he has some savings but let's face it, Moroccan money isn't worth much and won't go far here. I love him and I've never felt so much pain and I want so badly to believe it will work but we might only suffer more if I go on despite my doubts.

When You Love Someone Lyrics by Bryan Adams

When you love someone - you'll do anything
You'll do all the crazy things that you can't explain
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun
When you love someone

You'll deny the truth - believe a lie
There'll be times that you'll believe you can really fly
But your lonely nights - have just begun
When you love someone

When you love someone - you'll feel it deep inside
And nothing else can ever change your mind
When you want someone - when you need someone
When you need someone...

When you love someone - you'll sacrifice
You'd give it everything you got and you won't think twice
You'd risk it all - no matter what may come
When you love someone
You'll shoot the moon - put out the sun

When you love someone, you will care and willing to do anything to be together.

Of course we can not deny that in the cross cultural relationship, there are many barriers that you both will encounter not only now but will be more and more in the future.

Distant is not a problem, I have met many couple in my life whom were having distance relationship but they are now happily married to each other.
Even a relationship that allowing the couple to see each other everyday and meet every time did not guarantee that the relationship will run smoothly. So, again it is depend on the couple on how they will conduct and lead the relationship.

True that it is not impossible for both of you to be together. True that it is not going to be easy at all. But all is a matter of practice of getting use to it. This relationship will work out well as long as both of you willing to put yourself without doubts to compromise, to tolerate and to learn from each other. The process of learning each other no doubts will involve lots of explaining and hearing sessions between you two. Important that you are both must put efforts and work on it.

Sure that both of you will struggle in the beginning as you are both so new and not used to the culture, tradition and customs of each other.

Of course it is easier to point out things that we did not like than what we like most from something. You had bad experience over his culture, tradition and customs during your holiday in his country, so your reactions can be treated as normal. Whoever in the world when they are coming to things that they are not used to surely will experience cultural shocks. Some will recover and accepting it by compromising, some may retreat and giving up, unwilling to understand it.

We may do not like other culture and say this or that about the culture, tradition or customs which did not fit us well. But try to be on the opposite side and try to think what is it feels like to hear someone you love and care about not liking your culture, tradition and customs and keep complaining or worrying plus blaming the culture, tradition, customs or even religion as factors for not making the relationship going to the right direction as you wish to be.

About financial matter, there are many couple that in the beginning of their relationship starsting from big ZERO. Together they organize themselves on how to improve their living. In the end, slowly they achieved what their dreams i.e. having flat/house, car, afford holidays, etc