My life really isn't life I just exist I feel like I'm a robot and these days I don't have the power to go on I'm always bored and I think I'm going through a depression I need someone to talk to but nobody's here... my siblings(grandma, aunts etc) are against to my me and my parents cause they want our property and we fight for it, they made my mom and dad very strict with us being afraid and get nervous and anxious if we are 5 minutes late from school/job I can't go anywhere cause I love my mom and I don't want to "kill" her just because I want to live my life and they treat me so nice and buy me things to make me feel that I need them and that they are nice... My life its out of my powers every day I die inside I lose a piece of me... This semester I can't focus even if I try so much I can't focus on my lessons, tests and most of the time I feel my mind getting blocked and stop thinking, at night I forget to breathe and I wake up cause I feel like there's no air, there are 5 months since my last period and I feel like my hormones going crazy I really all I want to do is cry... I remember 2009 when Michael Jackson died these things started to be more obvious to me cause I was very sad and I think everyday that MJ gone so my dreams to live a life that I choose to live are also gone, there's nothing to hold on to anymore nothing... Why God left me all alone? These days I got more near to Jesus Christ and finding that He is my only hope... But things doesn't turn to be any better... I met a guy last year and he wanted me to be his girlfriend but how could I be his girlfriend if I never EVER go out though I wanted to talk like all the girls so I gave him hopes and then when he saw that I was weird and turned him down 3 times he just disappeared from everywhere... Now I want to meet guys but I know the continuation of my life that's why I'm getting even more closer to myself... I said to myself that I will never like or send messages to anybody... I can't even go out with my college friend... Why do I live? How can I recover myself ? How can I accept my life if it kills me? How can I buried myself to a lonely place if I want to be like all the other girls at my age? How can I live without hurt my parents? How can I overcome the bad things that my relatives saying about my family and me? How can I be happy if I'm depressed? I just want Jesus to hear me show me that He really cares about me , that I'm not alone, that all these I'm going through are for a reason, something... Cause I can't I don't feel me and although I don't want to sound something bad but I hate my life cause its not life its prison with gold cells I just want to be with Michael Jackson up to Heaven... If I end up my life will God forgive me? I just want to die... no I'm not coward, I'm just half of me with faded self everyday... Someone that knows that sun only shines from the window that you cannot open...