Wife has little interest in sex but also doesn't discuss it
My wife and I have a good relationship over all. When we first started chatting online she was flirty and joked about sex a lot, but when we actually HAD sex, it was OK, not wild or crazy, but OK. She did do a little oral (both giving and recieving) at first, and I am pretty sure even then I never got her off, but she never let me do it for very long, she always just asked me to go inside her and have intercourse. I figured she would open up as she trusted me more but the opposite has been true. Any time I wanted to talk "ABOUT" sex, she never seemed to want to go into detail as far as what we did, how we did it, what gets her off, etc.
Once we got married in 2007, she stopped doing anything but missionary but at least we still did it a few times a week. She started around this time also not letting me go down on her at all, in fact she would hold her legs together, still smiling the whole time, but as if she was just not willing to let me go down there. We have 2 kids now and the frequency of sex is maybe once every 6 weeks, and when we try a kid almost always wakes up crying. That part I get, the mood isn't there and is a contributing factor, but since she has always been somewhat like this, there's something else going on.
Even if I try to finger her a bit she does the same thing. When I ask her about it she just doesn't respond or changes the subject, or says she is tired, etc. This is definitely possible with having 2 kids these days but even before kids she was like this. It has just gotten worse though.
I admit I don't last that long, but I last a LOT longer with her on top, up to 15 - 20 minutes, yet, she refuses to get on top, she only wants to do missionary, which is the position I climax the fastest in, usually just a few minutes. She never complains but never wants to change positions. When I ask she says "oh its fine" and that's the end of it.
I cannot believe she is actually satisfied with our sex life so I have a few ideas:
1. She only has sex to keep me happy and has no real desire, therefore not having an orgasm is no big deal, and she IS satisfied as a result.
2. She never has had an orgasm with anyone and is embarrassed, and/or has never been creative enough to try other methods to get off.
3. She has had an orgasm with other guys but not me and is afraid to tell me.
4. She is overweight as am I - perhaps uncomfortable with her body, but I think she is beautiful and sexy, and I tell her that often.
5. She has been taught that sex is dirty. Her parents aren't the Victorian type but maybe that was ingrained in her.
6. For the oral thing maybe she is worried she smells bad or tastes bad (she doesnt). She has only done it to me a couple times and while I would love for her to do it again, if I can handle the other stuff we can revisit that later on.
We have been married 5 years so we should be beyond this point, and I do truly love her and have no intention of leaving.
How do I get her to communicate? My only thought was to start maybe trying to set the mood better - go the extra mile with housework, take the kids and let her go to bed early, surprise her with a date night, etc, just to set the overall mood. THEN see if she is ANY more responsive than she has been.
Next step, but I don't know the best way to flat out say: I know I am not getting you off and want to try to make it better for you.
I don't think its an issue of her not wanting me around anymore, I do participate in child care and housework, etc, although it seems nothing gets done.
I think there are 2 issues - she isn't that sexual to start with but also its hard to be in the mood with kids, work, chores, etc. That part I get, and I plan to do more to make sure she feels appreciated, although I do a lot already - I help with the kids, the house, etc.
It's more the fact that she was never all that into it, and her lack of willingness to discuss it that bothers me. If she doesn't want to tell me what is going on I will just make assumptions and those are probably worse than the truth!
It could be me that is the problem, but I won't know if she won't tell me. Plus other women I was with I had no issue bringing to orgasm one way or another.
What should I do?
I hope I haven't been too graphic here but I want to make my point.
Wife has little interest in sex but also doesn't discuss it
I posted this in the Relationships board but this might be a better place for it.
My wife and I have a good relationship over all. When we first started chatting online she was flirty and joked about sex a lot, but when we actually HAD sex, it was OK, not wild or crazy, but OK. She did do a little oral (both giving and recieving) at first, and I am pretty sure even then I never got her off, but she never let me do it for very long, she always just asked me to go inside her and have intercourse. I figured she would open up as she trusted me more but the opposite has been true. Any time I wanted to talk "ABOUT" sex, she never seemed to want to go into detail as far as what we did, how we did it, what gets her off, etc.
Once we got married in 2007, she stopped doing anything but missionary but at least we still did it a few times a week. She started around this time also not letting me go down on her at all, in fact she would hold her legs together, still smiling the whole time, but as if she was just not willing to let me go down there. We have 2 kids now and the frequency of sex is maybe once every 6 weeks, and when we try a kid almost always wakes up crying. That part I get, the mood isn't there and is a contributing factor, but since she has always been somewhat like this, there's something else going on.
Even if I try to finger her a bit she does the same thing. When I ask her about it she just doesn't respond or changes the subject, or says she is tired, etc. This is definitely possible with having 2 kids these days but even before kids she was like this. It has just gotten worse though.
I admit I don't last that long, but I last a LOT longer with her on top, up to 15 - 20 minutes, yet, she refuses to get on top, she only wants to do missionary, which is the position I climax the fastest in, usually just a few minutes. She never complains but never wants to change positions. When I ask she says "oh its fine" and that's the end of it.
I cannot believe she is actually satisfied with our sex life so I have a few ideas:
1. She only has sex to keep me happy and has no real desire, therefore not having an orgasm is no big deal, and she IS satisfied as a result.
2. She never has had an orgasm with anyone and is embarrassed, and/or has never been creative enough to try other methods to get off.
3. She has had an orgasm with other guys but not me and is afraid to tell me.
4. She is overweight as am I - perhaps uncomfortable with her body, but I think she is beautiful and sexy, and I tell her that often.
5. She has been taught that sex is dirty. Her parents aren't the Victorian type but maybe that was ingrained in her.
6. For the oral thing maybe she is worried she smells bad or tastes bad (she doesnt). She has only done it to me a couple times and while I would love for her to do it again, if I can handle the other stuff we can revisit that later on. If she truly dislikes receiving oral she should just say so and explain why, and what instead I can do to get her to orgasm.
We have been married 5 years so we should be beyond this point, and I do truly love her and have no intention of leaving her, it's nothing like that! I just really want her to enjoy sex too and I get the impression that she doesn't.
How do I get her to communicate? My only thought was to start maybe trying to set the mood better - go the extra mile with housework, take the kids and let her go to bed early, surprise her with a date night, etc, just to set the overall mood. THEN see if she is ANY more responsive than she has been.
Next step, but I don't know the best way to flat out say: "I know I am not getting you off and want to try to make it better for you." Is it too blunt to say something like "baby, I just want to ask you something. I want to make sure that when we have sex, it's as good for you as it is for me, so, can you tell me something? Have you ever had an orgasm with me? I don't think you have, and want to see if I can change that."
I've tried starting such conversations before, and she doesn't really answer it, she just says "it's fine honey" and seems uncomfortable.
I don't think its an issue of her not wanting me around anymore, I do participate in child care and housework, etc, although it seems nothing gets done.
I think there are 2 issues - she isn't that sexual to start with but also its hard to be in the mood with kids, work, chores, etc. That part I get, and I plan to do more to make sure she feels appreciated, although I do a lot already - I help with the kids, the house, etc.
It's more the fact that she was never all that into it, and her lack of willingness to discuss it that bothers me. If she doesn't want to tell me what is going on I will just make assumptions and those are probably worse than the truth!
Frequency wise, sure, I'd love to have it a few times a week but that's less important than me getting to the bottom of where she stands on things, her wants, her needs, her desires, even if she has little to none, because at least there will be a point of understanding. Right now, all I have are my assumptions.
It could be me that is the problem, but I won't know if she won't tell me. Plus other women I was with I had no issue bringing to orgasm one way or another.
What should I do?
I hope I haven't been too graphic here but I want to make my point.
