My husband & I have been together 21 years since I was 18, he was 30. He wasn't my first love, but I was attracted to him, loved him & felt safe. His sex drive has always been low & I always felt I was begging for sex. I have found out during our marriage that he has used a gay date line, chat lines & internet dating sites, plus gay porn (not only gay porn), the internet dating was about 18 months ago. We have talked and he is adamant that he is not gay, bisexual & only wants me & has never been with anyone else. He has always complimented me, touched me, but sex was only about once every 2-3 weeks and then I felt he was only doing it out of duty. Christmas time I said I didn't love him like I used to and thought we should split up, he promised me things would change and I gave in mainly for the sake of our 2 children 14 and 8. But now he has been trying to have sex with me 2-3 times a week and I am putting him off and now it is me having sex out of duty. I feel so sad that it has come to this but there is no passion for me. Again the feelings of being safe with him are prominent, he is a good provider, we get on well, but he doesn't do anything with the kids without me being around. So do I stay because I feel safe and loved but go on feeling like this in the future or is it time for me to find someone I am passionate about, or maybe just find out who I am?

Have you tried counselling, together or separately?

You are clearly unhappy - which is better, with him or without him?

You can't force someone to feel passion. You wanted sex more often. Now he's making every attempt (from what I'm reading) to have sex more often - but you're responding out of a sense of duty.

I think you need to speak to someone.

As far as the porn and dating sites you've lived with that for a very long time. Why is it an issue now?

Thanks for your reply JudyKayTee. I have considered counselling and my husband has agreed to go, but he thinks going to a counsellor is more likely to split us up. He has seen this before with friends.

But I agree even if it is just by myself, I do need to talk about all these issues.

I know I have lived with the porn, dating sites etc. for a long time now, but deep down I feel he has an issue he is not dealing with. And if he doesn't deal with it then the same thing will happen years down the line. I sometimes feel as though I have been a mug to put up with it and should I carry on being a mug.

Don't beat yourself up - it's not you. It's him.

And if counselling will help you through this, I certainly would seek it out. I'm a believer that you have to know who/what you are before you can make a decision about what to do next.