OK so I have been in this relationship w/ my b/f for about 2 years on and off. Mostly on. He is a great guy, and I love him of course. We want to get married eventually, saving money etc etc (he wanted to live together first, but Im not too keen on co-habitation)... Anyway, we know I wouldn't writing here if there wasn't a problem... I HATE one of his friends. Not all of them, or even some of them, just one. My b/f is 21 (Im 19), his friend, which we will call Lee* is 30. He is married w/ 3 kids youngest being about 1. Lee never goes home to his wife and kids to spend time w/ them or really makes an effort to be there. EX. His youngest son (baby) went into the hospital w/ pheanumonia @ 4pm one day, Lee stayed at a mutaul friends house playing computer games until 10pm that night KNOWING his son w/ ill. Also, I know for fact Lee has cheated on his wife. He has parties every weekend where they drink and often drive. I can not stand Lee's lack of morals/values, and don't believe he is a good influence on my b/f. I want to say its me or him, but feel like I would be in the wrong if I did. Any suggestions on how else to deal w/ his friend?

Hey, in your situation, I would sit your boyfriend down and talk to him and say "look if you want to get serious with me and get married one day, i dont want you to turn out like "lee" only because..." and then just tell him all the reasons you don't like him or why you have a problem with your boyfriend hangin out with him.

That's a different approach than the one I have taken before, every time we do try to talk about it I just seem to be filled w/ anger towards this guy because he disgust me so much, and my b/f always say's "dont you think that it might not be all his fault, Lisa (wife) might isnt perfect" or "you dont know him like I do." Which just makes me think "well hello, actions are diffenetly speaking louder than words are"

Well then I really don't think that your boyfriend is worth your time if he can't even open his eyes and try to see that his friend really disgusts you and how you really hope that your boyfriend doesn't turn out like his friend. You need to put your foot down and stand up for what you want and what you think is right. And if he can't accept it, then move on.

You may need to approach your boyfriend differently. Next time the topic comes up trying asking him what he really values in a relationship. Honesty? Love? Friendship? Closeness?

You can tell your boyfriend that you realize there may be two sides to every story - Lee's side and his wife's - but if they really do have such problems, why aren't they working through it? It doesn't sound like much of a relationship to me, I don't know why either of them are sticking around. And sure, there are kids involved but Lee doesn't seem that attached to them, which is the saddest part to me - even if he doesn't like his wife, what is the excuse with the kids?

Is your boyfriend just trying to support him through a rough time or is he totally okay with all his behavior? It is okay to still be friends with someone even if you don't agree with their actions all the time - perhaps this is the case with your boyfriend and Lee - if so you can breath easier because at least your boyfriend isn't approving of all his irresponsible behavior.

I think I would mention that you guys have a different type of relationship - that you never want it to turn out like that. You always want to be honest and open with each other - even about the things you don't like. You need to be clear about what you want out of a partner, what you want for your kids.

If he doesn't agree or you don't think he can live up to it then you guys really need to talk it out and see if you both want the same things in the future or not. Make it clear that he is expected to be a full-time dad - ask him if he really understands what that means.

Tell him your vision of what you want your family to be like and ask him what he pictures. Make sure that both of you understand it can be a lot of work (and a lot of fun) but that marriage and having kids is a serious commitment, not something you take lightly and you only want to do it if he is just as involved and eager as you.

Tell your boyfriend that you realize Lee is his friend but that his choices in life aren't very good. Talk about the energy that your friends and family bring into your lives and ask him if Lee is the kind of person that you want your future kids to be around.

If he won't listen or insists on remaining friends with him, then you'll have your own choices to make. You have to base your decision on whether your boyfriend is a "Lee type" or not - does he do things like Lee? Does he shirk his responsibilities or treat you like Lee treats his wife and kids?

If he doesn't then you are probably okay - and you'll just have to put up with Lee for the time being. You can ask that your boyfriend not invite him to events that you'll be at - or that he only hang out with him on his own time. That would be a good compromise. How long have they been friends? Prior to Lee's marriage? Just recently? The answer to this will probably tell you how strong this friendship is. Perhaps you can ask for some insight from some of your bf's other friends - what do they like about Lee?

If you guys do get married and have kids it will change things. Your boyfriend (future husband) might realize what an Lee is - especially when he looks at his own kids and can't understand how someone could just not care! Your boyfriend might decide on his own to end things with Lee, or they may just drift apart when it becomes apparent that they have different values.

But you have more pressing problems if your boyfriend seems like he might go Lee's route - you definitely don't want to have kids with or marry someone like that! His being friends with him might be harmless - you should be able to tell if this is a real problem by your boyfriend's current actions.