My husband and I have been married for almost four years and my entire being is screaming that it is time to start having children. My husband disagrees and I cannot convince him the time is right. I thought I could explain our situation and see what other people who aren't close to us would think.

We are 25 and 26, live in our house that we paid cash for with our dog. I work at a school for minimum wage and have 8,000 left in loans from my 2 degrees I now have. My husband has three years left of his schooling, but it is all paid for because he was in the army for 5 years until a year and a half ago. We get about $1000 a month when he is in school for housing from the army, and I make about $700 a month during the school year.

Our house was rough when we bought it and we ended up ripping off half of it and gutting the rest. We are still working on most of it, but we are living in it and doing all of the work ourselves. We have a makeshift kitchen and it is messy because of all of the work we are doing and the boxes of my teaching supplies I have been acquiring over the years for when I eventually get a teaching job. The Kitchen cupboards and tiling the floor are what we are working on now, but I am also tiling the bathrooms and mudding the drywall to get ready for paint in parts that aren't finished that far myself in my spare time. My husband tries to help out with all the projects we are doing but mostly he just helps me when I need it badly. He has a lot of homework that is necessary with his school, so he doesn't have a lot of time to help with easy things like mudding, ductwork or plumbing. He goes to the library at the college so he can focus and work with his classmates.

Sorry this is so long, but there is a lot on my mind and I don't want to miss something or mis inform you readers and change what the actual advice should be...

I have never been completely healthy. I have cystic fibrosis, but only a mild version. CF is pretty much a mucus problem where your bodies mucus is thicker than it should be so it is hard to breath because your coughing up mucus and it is in your lungs, you don't digest food right because the mucus in your stomach lining is too thick it doesn't let vitamins and stuff through, you sweat out 10 times more salt than the average person so you need to drink salt water or take salt pills to stay healthy, and also problems with the pancreas, sinuses, and sometimes reproductive systems. I have had many encounters with precancerous cells on my cervix, and bleeding issues too. I also have narcolepsy (without cataplexy, which means I don't just fall asleep randomly like you see in movies like rat race), where I have REM sleep after a few minutes of sleeping instead of after an hour or so of sleeping like regular people. This makes me tired a lot and I take Ritalin to stay awake and focused throughout the day. (I haven't always taken medicine for this and I am positive that after some practice I could be fine without the medicine if I need to.) I take medicine when I eat to digest food correctly also, but have gotten off the other 23 medicines I used to be on all the time.

OK, I think that is all of the aspects I need, now I will try to shortly explain my side and my husbands on why it is/ isn't the right time. Again, I apologize for the length!

My husband's views: He does not have a financially stable job and we don't have much money saved, we should wait until he graduates in 3 years and move to another state for a job. We should wait because our house isn't finished and babies are expensive. If we wait 3 years we will probably have better insurance, more money, and he will not have to do homework and be stressed out by school. He says with my job not bringing very much money in we will not be able to provide good enough for a baby and it will be too stressful on him.

My views: I think we have enough money where we can make it work. On both sides of our families there are babies everywhere, so they have tons of stuff we could use when they don't need it anymore. I don't have a teaching job yet and so it would be a perfect time to stay home to raise children like I want to before getting a full time teaching position. If we wait for 3 years until we move, we won't be close to our families, which is a very important thing for raising children in my mind. We will have the whole time until we conceive and the whole pregnancy to finish and organize the house, which I know my family would help us do if we asked.

We will have to go through selling our house and finding a new place in a new state when he graduates, so I don't think he will be willing to have children then either... And I am concerned that the longer I wait the more issues I will have being able to have babies, and since my whole body, mind, and heart are all screaming that it is time, it worries me that something is going on with me that I don't even know about that my body does...

OK, I think that is everything. Please leave advice on what you think would be the best move for us at this point and your reasoning for believing this. I need some opinions so that I can see outside my box and hopefully find a way for my husband and I to come to some sort of solution for this issue. Thank you so much for taking the time to help me in this very stressful situation!

I won't ask you were you live, because I don't think that sort of info should be posted on the internet, but I do have to say this. If you're in the US then just giving birth will cost you around $12,000, if everything goes right and there's no complications. This cost is not including the doctors visits (once a month for the first 6 months, then two times a month until the 8th month, and then once a week for the final month).

Now there's diapers, formula (if you can't breastfeed, and many women can't), furniture, clothes (they outgrow them fast), car seat, stroller, crib, etc. etc. etc. Oh, and don't forget medical bills.

You obviously won't be working when you have the baby, so there goes your income. If you decide to go back to work after baby is born, you're looking at daycare, a nanny, or hoping that your family (if they're close by) will work for free.

All in all, it doesn't really sound like you're financially in the best position to have a child. I don't think that people have to be entirely financially stable (all debts paid, mortgage free, loan free) because if they waited for that they'd never have children. But, with the info you provided, I don't see how you can afford a baby. I don't see how you can even afford to give birth, much less care for the child after it's born.

But this is just my opinion.

Good luck. :)

Here is the way I see it. So long as you have so many projects ongoing in the house that alone would cause a red flag for bringing babies into that situation. For one thing chemicals that aren't toxic to us (adults) in general can be highly toxic to children (babies). It's a good idea to get the major stuff out of the way first. Other then that your seem to have your heads screwed on straight. Just remember to be flexible and try not to settle things into stone. CHildren can throw curves in so many ways.

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it greatly. Would your answer change if my insurance covered all baby related appointments and the delivery? And that the baby showers given in my family have made each person in my family that have had babies supplied for at least the first 3- 6 months after the birth, minus some small items like lotions and thermometers, decorations, baby shoes, and things like that. I should have mentioned that, I am sorry I didn't. My family is very close and we enjoy being able to take care of each other in these types of ways. Aside from these two items I forgot to mention, you make a good point with needing someone when I do go back to work and the fact I might not be able to breastfeed even if I want to. Thank you for your opinion, I really need people who know what I am getting into and what I am missing in my point of view!

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Originally Posted by bend1384

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it greatly. Would your answer change if my insurance covered all baby related appointments and the delivery? And that the baby showers given in my family have made each person in my family that have had babies supplied for at least the first 3- 6 months after the birth, minus some small items like lotions and thermometers, decorations, baby shoes, and things like that. I should have mentioned that, I am sorry I didn't. My family is very close and we enjoy being able to take care of each other in these types of ways. Aside from these two items I forgot to mention, you make a good point with needing someone when I do go back to work and the fact I might not be able to breastfeed even if I want to. Thank you for your opinion, I really need people who know what I am getting into and what I am missing in my point of view!

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I'm going to tell you something that may not really help, but you may need to hear it.

There's never an ideal time to have a baby. If people waited until they could afford it, they'd be retired before they could afford a child, and too old to actually have on. Only the super rich would be reproducing.

I was 27 when I got pregnant with my first child. Both my husband and I were working, I made around $35,000/year, after taxes, and my husband made slightly less. We had a home (and a mortgage) two cars, family close by, and we're in Canada, doctors visits and hospital care is free, and I breastfed. Still, we struggled, especially once our son was born and I stayed home. The loss of my income was a very hard blow on our finances.

The fact is, if we had waited to be completely financially secure, we'd probably still have no children. My son is now 13, and my daughter is 9, and we miscarried our third, decided that it wasn't meant to be and stopped there.

We're still not financially secure, but we make due. If my parents, and my husbands parents were still alive, it would be easier, would have been a lot easier, but they died 11 years ago. That meant me staying home until recently because child care costs would have eaten up my entire paycheque.

If you're willing to make a few sacrifices (no cable, which we did, no cell phones, which we did, one car, we didn't do that, coupon shopping, etc. etc.) then you should be able to make it work. If not, you said your family is close, so I'm sure they'd help if you run into problems.

Having said all that, I do agree with Calidad, that you should finish your home projects before bringing a baby home. Not only because those projects could be toxic, but, you'll have no time or money to do them once baby comes along.

You have time. You're young. Go gung ho on your projects, finish them, and then sit down again and discuss starting your family. I know the urge to have a baby. I've been there. But a year or two is nothing. Really, it will fly by.

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Originally Posted by Alty

You have time. You're young. Go gung ho on your projects, finish them, and then sit down again and discuss starting your family. I know the urge to have a baby. I've been there. But a year or two is nothing. Really, it will fly by.

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Everything you said makes sense to me. I could even see us waiting until the house is done being our compromise. My question if this is what happens is this, how do you suppress the urge? How do you make the overwhelming feeling go away? The past few months I have felt like I am on a submarine with all the alarms and lights flashing like in action movies with my body screaming at me now! you have to do it now! your going to miss your chance!
How can I survive a year or two, or possibly three if my husband doesn't compromise?

If your husband is not ready, nothing we say will change his mind, there will always be a list of 100 things why it is not the right time, He will want to wait till that raise happens, or till you get that newer car or add on to a home.

Not even to ask why you bought a home knowing you would be moving in a few years, flips are not working right now like they used to.

But with him in school, needing too much at home, you losing your income to have a baby, what if it is a bad pregnancy and you can't work for 6 months ?

So I would say wait, but don't wait on him to agree most likely he will always have reasons.

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

So I would say wait, but dont wait on him to agree most likely he will always have reasons.

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So wait until we are in a better position and more stable, OK, I can try to do that. But how do I go about not waiting until he is ready? Are you saying just make it happen even when he says no? I can't do this even if I wanted to because he uses condoms, I'm not on birth control, so he is in charge of that aspect, I need his OK or it won't happen ever. Or were you meaning that in a different way?

Oh, and we were planning on staying in the area for a bit longer than we will, but yeah, flipping houses isn't the best idea right now :) That was mostly me, I didn't want to rent for 4 years and then I found this house and couldn't resist as cheap as we got it for. Looking back I am not sure which would have been smarter...

What I'm thinking of is all your personal health concerns. Many of those can be passed on to a child or at least interfere with your having and caring for a baby. Have you talked with a doctor about any of this? Are you ready to care for a child with CF and/or sleep problems and what about the meds you take that you say you can stop taking (? ).

You didn't mention it, but what problems does your husband have or that are in his family that can be inherited by his child? I'm wondering if a future baby's health might be one of his worries.

I am concerned about you having cystic fibrosis and getting pregnant. This is something that you MUST discuss with your CF physician. You will also need to meet with a CF dietician to maintain a healthy weight. You will also be considered a high risk pregnancy and, thus, have to see a genetic counselor to determine risks of developing CF in your child.

While pregnancy is possible with CF, it can be extremely dangerous to you and your fetus as well.

While you may have a mild case of CF, your child may not be so lucky. You do realize that people die of this disease and many have to have double lung transplants?

With all of this in mind, you may have to take off work for the majority of your pregnancy. It is also possible that the pregnancy may worsen the CF, causing you not to be able to go back to work at all.

Here is a very scholarly article regarding CF and pregnancy. While it has a lot of "terminology" in it, it would be worth it for you to read it line-by-line and make an appointment with a high risk OB to discuss your options.

Pregnancy and cystic fibrosis

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

What I'm thinking of is all your personal health concerns. Many of those can be passed on to a child or at least interfere with your having and caring for a baby. Have you talked with a doctor about any of this? Are you ready to care for a child with CF and/or sleep problems and what about the meds you take that you say you can stop taking (??).

You didn't mention it, but what problems does your husband have or that are in his family that can be inherited by his child? I'm wondering if a future baby's health might be one of his worries.

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I am the only one on both sides of my family with CF that has been found, and no one on my husbands side has it. If we decide that we want to try for a child we will both be getting bloodwork to see what we could pass on. My husband had major depression issues in high school but figured it all out eventually and has not been on medication since, almost 10 years now. He still has bouts of depression but nothing severe. He could be worried about passing that on because he feels very guilty about how much stress and hurt he caused when he was younger to his parents, and how much suffering and confusion he went through himself.
It makes me feel selfish and ashamed sometimes, that I want to have children, when I think about it from this aspect. It might be possible to have a child with severe depression, CF, narcolepsy, RLS, and many other issues that we have.

But, it is also possible that my husband had all those issues because his parents took him being depressed, and blew it out of proportion and made it much worse by giving him so many pills he couldn't be himself anymore, and the small bits of depression he has now was the worst it could have been. Maybe he isn't a carrier for any CF genes and so our child would, at worst, be a carrier with my side of the genes but could never have it without one from both sides.

I hadn't thought about his health aspects being something he could be worrying about, it is definitely possible and something I will look into. Thank you

I can't add anything about the health side of things.

I can only hope that everything works out well for you, your husband, and your future children.

I also hope you keep us posted, let us know how everything works out. :)

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Originally Posted by J_9

I am concerned about you having cystic fibrosis and getting pregnant. This is something that you MUST discuss with your CF physician. You will also need to meet with a CF dietician to maintain a healthy weight. You will also be considered a high risk pregnancy and, thus, have to see a genetic counselor to determine risks of developing CF in your child.

While pregnancy is possible with CF, it can be extremely dangerous to you and your fetus as well.

While you may have a mild case of CF, your child may not be so lucky. You do realize that people die of this disease and many have to have double lung transplants?

With all of this in mind, you may have to take off work for the majority of your pregnancy. It is also possible that the pregnancy may worsen the CF, causing you not to be able to go back to work at all.

Here is a very scholarly article regarding CF and pregnancy. While it has a lot of "terminology" in it, it would be worth it for you to read it line-by-line and make an appointment with a high risk OB to discuss your options.

Pregnancy and cystic fibrosis

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That was a very informative article, I appreciate you posting it. I do realize the issues that come with this disorder. If my husband is a carrier we will not be having a child most likely, at the risk of conceiving a child with CF and all that would include, we would look at other options such as adoption.
I was not diagnosed with CF until after I was married, age 23. At my last pulmonary appointment last year I had 100% lung function and he told me that when I started to think about kids I would have to set up an appointment specifically for that to check everything out, but from what he has seen he doesn't suspect there will be any problems. I did not realize there would be a doctor appointment every two weeks during pregnancy though, which changes things a bit since all of my doctors are 3 hours away from me. I also did not realize that most CF patients get CFRD during pregnancy either.

Thank you for bringing up more areas we really need to look at more before having a child, I truly appreciate how much everyone is helping us on this decision.

I think I have thought about the points everyone posted on here and to my husband. I truly agree that we should wait until the house a bit further along, which will probably take another year or two. I think that would let my husband feel less stressed about everything enough to think about possibly trying. I also realize that even though I have thought about each of my and my husband's health issues and the risk factors they may bring, I have not done as much research and contemplating as I should on such an important issue. I still feel that money is not the most important part of being able to start a family, but I will admit that it would help my husband enjoy the experience of having children more if he didn't feel like he wasn't able to provide as much as he thinks he should because he is still in school. I still haven't had any more discussions with my husband yet, but I think he will be relieved that I am starting to become more OK with waiting. I still do not want to, but it is obvious that there are some parts of our lives that will be changing in the near future that would make a better situation for a child and for our relationship as a whole. Thank you so much for helping me be able to get past the desperate feelings I have, and look at the situation I would be putting my husband and possibly a child into. I now feel like I can control my sadness and longing enough to go back to being happy around my husband and showing him he is enough to make me happy right now. I am so appreciative to everyone who gave me advice and I know my husband will be too.

You are definitely doing the smart thing, and I have to applaud you for being so reasonable about all of this, and so willing to listen to opinions. That shows great maturity, which not many people possess.

When the time comes I know you'll be a very excellent mother, and I hope that you stick around on the site, maybe take a look at other questions people are asking, see if you can offer some insight. That's how all of us started here. So stick around, you're obviously an intelligent person with a lot of wisdom to offer.

I hope you consider it, and, it may fill in some of the hours where you're bored and finding yourself longing for a child.

One warning, this place can become addictive, and you will be shocked to find that you can make friends with people you've never even met. :)