Ask Me Help Desk - Stop jealousy

So I guess I need any and all adivce on my jealous ways, I have been married for about 6 months, I have a very complicated relationship but amazing at that. We have been through hell and back and I guess all that's left is fixing these issues, my husband does everything he can to make me happy, he shows me everyday just how much he loves me and wants to be the best man he can be. He works 12 hours 5 days a week and spends most weekends with me, we go out and have fun and see friends or family, but the moment he asks to spend a few hours at the bar with his buddies I flip out! Now don't get me wrong, I trust my husband, I know he would never do anything to ruin our marriage, yet I can't seem to act normal. I have experienced every negative aspect of a relationship in a short period and it really rewired my brain. He is a good man and deserves a chance to just be one of the guys, especially before we decide to start a family, I have searched many sites, looked through countless books and just can't seem to grasp any of it, the saddest part is I know exactly what I need to do, yet I can't get myself to do it. I am open for anything that is willing to be thrown my way, and am hoping to get into some therapy ASAP because I'm beginning to think that will be my only option...
Thank you so much!!

I have to say that I admire your honesty, and that you can clearly describe your own behaviour, and how it is affecting your marriage. Even better is that you aren't blaming your husband for how you feel.

Therapy is a very, very good option for you. What will happen is that you will learn how to understand why you feel the way you do, and how to go through the feelings when you recognize that the thought is getting out of control.

It is a matter of learning how to think in a different way, in order to change behaviours that come with the thinking errors.

Many times it is learning about our own behaviour, and why it exists, in order to change it. I wish it were as simple as putting a cast on a broken leg, but it takes some work to make the changes you will need to make.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a type of therapy that is designed to identify core problems, and work through steps to correct them. It isn't designed to be long term. You will be surprised at how successful this type of therapy can be.

Most important I think is that you are already ready to change, and that is the first step. You aren't thinking about changing, you are ready to change.

I hope that when you do get into therapy that you'll post back and let us know how things went for you. I'm sure you will be successful!

Best of luck.

Excellent advice above.
I wonder what you do during the day?
Jealousy can really fester when you are home alone doing nothing. If you have a job, you can interact, socialize, even do a little harmless flirting or at least complimenting men, and you have the added feature of something to talk about with him during time alone together.
It's good to nip this all in the bud now before you are home with a baby and it's much worse!
Also many wives have women over when their husbands go out with their buds. Talk about Men are from Mars, book club, charity, watch a movie, bring babies, go buy hats.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

I have to say that I admire your honesty, and that you can clearly describe your own behaviour, and how it is affecting your marriage. Even better is that you aren't blaming your husband for how you feel.

Therapy is a very, very good option for you. What will happen is that you will learn how to understand why you feel the way you do, and how to go through the feelings when you recognize that the thought is getting out of control.

It is a matter of learning how to think in a different way, in order to change behaviours that come with the thinking errors.

Many times it is learning about our own behaviour, and why it exists, in order to change it. I wish it were as simple as putting a cast on a broken leg, but it takes some work to make the changes you will need to make.

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a type of therapy that is designed to identify core problems, and work through steps to correct them. It isn't designed to be long term. You will be surprised at how successful this type of therapy can be.

Most important I think is that you are already ready to change, and that is the first step. You aren't thinking about changing, you are ready to change.

I hope that when you do get into therapy that you'll post back and let us know how things went for you. I'm sure you will be successful!

Best of luck.

Thank you so much, I really do appreciate it. Over the many years I have been wanting to figure things out and understand why they ended up this way and seem to have a pretty good idea about most of it, but along the way I have also seen how little therapy in my area is and it has drawn me to get into psychology that I am going to begin my classes this upcoming month. I have a feeling I will do well because I am very passionate about helping people from an understanding of how hard and confusing everything can be. You explained things in such a way that just made me feel so good and eager to get out there and get the help that I need, and I hope that knowing the specific type of help that I need will make it just a little bit easier to get it. I will most definitely add to my post once I have done so and hopefully I can help others once I can better understand

Quote:

Originally Posted by joypulv

Excellent advice above.
I wonder what you do during the day?
Jealousy can really fester when you are home alone doing nothing. If you have a job, you can interact, socialize, even do a little harmless flirting or at least complimenting men, and you have the added feature of something to talk about with him during time alone together.
It's good to nip this all in the bud now before you are home with a baby and it's much worse!
Also many wives have women over when their husbands go out with their buds. Talk about Men are from Mars, book club, charity, watch a movie, bring babies, go buy hats.

Although I don't work 12 hours a day I do work part time and I have been taking online classes as well, I find things to do with my time and have a pretty social life, I don't think I am over powering his time due to a lack of social life on my part, I feel it is more of an internal problem that I need more help with overcomming, in an overall view of our relationship we have everything but this one issue down, and I know this is my issue that needs to be fixed and he is just the victim of my horrible ways, but because he is a good man I would like to do all that I can to better myself on his behalf. But thank you for your input it was very appreciated, I will do my best to find more things to do alone to let him have some time to do things to ease his mind

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is relatively new. In the town I'm in, there are only a few trained that I know of. I'm an Addiction Counsellor, and the basic theories of CBT are what I have found most successful.

The best thing about it in my opinion is that it teaches us that we are not helpless to change ourselves, and if the will is there, change does happen.

I think you are already along that path. It takes courage to even admit a problem, and normally what we see are problems caused by situations, or other people. While there are such contributing factors, we have a lot more control over our behaviour, and responses to what life throws at us, than we give ourselves credit for.

I think that's wonderful that you are starting classes in psychology, and with a positive attitude.

Looking forward to hearing how things are going.