My female friend has been staying with me for a little over a month, sleeping in the same bed (no sex), 24/7, etc... A couple a days ago I was feeling self conscious of my weight and wanted to see all angles of my body. Hence, I went in the privacy of my bathroom (which we share) and video taped myself (looking from the outside in if you will) and noticed some pretty disturbing features.

Nevertheless, I was looking at the video in private and my friend walked in on my and seen the part of the video. She immediately jumped to the conclusion that I have been spying on her given the location of the video shoot.

I assured her that I did not ever video tape her nor would I. I also informed her that I have seen her nude (from a night of drinking we once had and ended up in bed together), that I do not look at nude photos, books, or go to nudist bars...

Unfortunately, she not does not feel comfortable when she goes to the bathroom and obviously lacks the trust required in a true friendship...

What can I do to gain her trust back?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by cembok

My female friend has been staying with me for a little over a month, sleeping in the same bed (no sex), 24/7, etc.... A couple a days ago i was feeling self conscious of my wieght and wanted to see all angles of my body. Hence, I went in the privacy of my bathroom (which we share) and video taped my self (looking from the outside in if you will) and noticed some pretty disturbing features.

Nevertheless, I was looking at the video in private and my friend walked in on my and seen the part of the video. She immediately jumped to the conclusion that I have been spying on her given the location of the video shoot.

I assured her that I did not ever video tape her nor would I. I also informed her that I have seen her nude (from a night of drinking we once had and ended up in bed together), that I do not look at nude photos, books, or go to nudist bars....

Unfortunately, she not does not feel comfortable when she goes to the bathroom and obviously lacks the trust required in a true friendship...

What an I do to gain her trust back?

---

Were you not able to see yourself in the mirror without video taping the image? Perhaps if you destroyed the tape in front of her. Do you have any electrical devices in the bathroom... a clock radio for example? If so, remove any.

Would it help if you offered to sleep in another room?

Take it slow and do what you can to assure her that things are just as they were before she caught your private viewing.

If it becomes too much of an issue, other living arrangements may become necessary.

Just keep being honest, she will eventually get over it.

Its your house dude, she gets over it and accepts your explanation or she can sleep on the porch. I think she will, you just scared her, but she will get over it... eventually. If not, she can sleep in somebody else's bed, and use someone else's bath room. Being nice is one thing, letting some one take over YOUR home is quite another. You are an honest guy, why shouldn't she believe and trust you, so be yourself. Reassure heer, but she has to overcome her own demons.

She did invade YOUR privacy don't forget.

Over a year ago I met a married couple and started working for them. He was Greek and she was Ukrainian. I never liked the way that he treated her but remained silent because it was not my place to interfere in their relationship.

Fast forward, in December he decided he was going back to Greece with her yet she did not want to go because she worked so hard at getting her US Citizenship. Before they left I offered to help bring her back to the states if she ever decided that is what she truly wanted.

After arriving in Greece she left her husband and went back home to Ukraine {do to no fault or interference from me} and a month later she contacted me and asked if my offer was still open - would I help her come back to the states.

I sincerely believed we has become friends over the past year and immediately told her that I would help. What followed was me buying her a plane ticket from Ukraine to the states, picking her up at the airport, letting her stay at my house, fixing up her car she left behind, and getting her enrolled in a program that would pay for her schooling and placement in the workforce.

What is interesting is that I began having feeling for this woman more than friendship so I told her how I felt. She responded by telling me that she could only be friends and I assured her that I would respect this. More interesting is the fact that we both slept in the same bed.

A week later we ended up getting drunk and having sex..
After this I know she felt guilty about this and began to pull away emotionally by not talking at all. She is an introvert who does not like to talk about things that are bothering her. Knowing this bothered her I did not press the issue but gave her space. If she wanted to talk about it she would in her own time.

While this saga was going on I was waiting to go back to work offshore. I have been off a month and it was starting to bother me with all the down time. I am sure this did not add to our friendship as we were both around each other 24/7... her waiting for this program, driving license, and employment opportunities.

Now the real problem. She would talk to family and friends in Ukraine, joking, laughing or carrying on hour conversations but as soon as she got off the phone she would change her behavior and ignore me or keep conversations to a bare minimum. When I breech this with her she said that I was overreacting.

Again I accepted this yet when this continued to a couple of weeks I was hurt and after trying again to resolve possible issues - which did not work; I became angry and blew up on her.

I did every thing I could to prove I was a friend yet she did nothing in return to show the same. If I told her I was having a hard time with something I expected a minimal response; more importantly mere conversation would have been great.

I said some pretty down right nasty things to her, about her and against her and now I feel very guilty. Add to insult, I was so upset that I kicked her out of the house and at the time did not care at all. I was furious!!

After all said and done, she is missing, I do not know where she is and I have tried to apologize for my immaturity.

What I do not understand is that I tried to call her a day later and she hung up on me yet when I texted her several times my phone shows she is reading my text yet she will not respond.

I am sincerely distraught over all of this. On the one hand I feel I was being used by her and on the other I do not want to lose our friendship

What do I do?

You are so out of bounds and very impulsive in your expectations, so she left. Now let her go, as its obvious you are to deep in this situation and need to lighten up and see what happens.

You don't offer help, and then impose your own conditions on it. You volunteered, your help, she took it, and all the rest of the crap was yours to handle and control, even the drunken sex that got you on your hopeful quest to get more than what she wanted to give.

You took advantage of some one in a very vulnerable position, and they ran away so take that as a hint, they were not comfortable with your friendship, and leave them alone.

Stop pushing!!

Thanks Talaniman; the truth hurts some tines but it is needed. I would like to point out though that I did not ask her to have sex she asked me. Secondly; friends communicate and her unwillingness to talk before the fall out has me believing I was used... in turn frustrated; hurt and angry at her. Given these facts I want to be friends but do not know how to mend the fall out. Leaving it alone is understandable but not knowing is killing me

It is not wrong for me to expect a friend to communicate prior to a fall out and given these facts I felt used; frustrated; hurt and angry. I understand letting time tell but I do not want to lose this friendship

I understand the feelings that come from things such as you are experiencing, but I caution you to deal with your feelings, and not let them lead you down the path of bad, impulsive behavior.

Patience and giving yourself time to let go of, or let those feeling pass is your key to a healthy adjustment to what you have been through. The good news is that knowing your screw up will not kill you, but educate you about YOU! That's a good thing.

Forget forcing a friendship, focus on making yourself better so if/when there CAN be a friendship, you are better prepared to BE a friend. Do this for yourself, NOT for her, or a friendship.

And maybe you never asked her for sex, you didn't stop it either, and seems to be a point of shame, the drunkenness is hardly an excuse.

So the sex occurred before she walked in on you watching a video of yourself naked?

"I assured her that I did not ever video tape her nor would I. I also informed her that I have seen her nude (from a night of drinking we once had and ended up in bed together),"

It appears she was already regretting the night of drinking and now the video situation didn't help instill her confidence that nothing further would take place. So she distanced herself.

Is it possible that you were upset that she didn't return your feelings? You said you started to have more than just friendly feelings for her, and she obviously was not interested in there being anything more. She didn't respond the way you wanted her to, or how you thought she should have, and you got angry with her.

Granted you helped her out tremendously, but maybe she was feeling that there was a price to pay for that assistance and it was too high of a price for her. You may not have felt that way, or perhaps you did feel she "owed" you her friendship, but she might have felt that way.

Perhaps you thought there was more of a friendship than she did?

She knows how to get in touch with you and that you have tried contacting her several times. All you can do now is leave her alone. Difficult, yes... but there really isn't anything else you can do.