I've been married for 11 yrs and I have 2 children. For past year my husband and I haven't seen eye to eye. All of a sudden things bother him, he's anti social, and seems like he rather have me be by myself with no friends or family. I've been very very unhappy where it is affecting me emotionally and it's draining me. I can't leave him because of afraid of being alone and what's my family would think. 2 months ago I met someone on a chat line and we seemed to click. We had a lot in common, he's married for 4 yrs and has a child (2yrs).

I asked him the reason why he was on the chat line and his response to me was he was unhappily married and we went on with the conversation. According to him he scared of leaving his wife as she's told him that he will never see his daughter and that she will make sure she ruins his life so he's scared. Now I'm at a point where I've fallen in love with this guy and he shows me the same emotion.

He sees me everyday and visits me at lunch talks to me in the morning on the way to work and after. Late nights after everyone is sleeping we text each other good night. I'm going crazy because I am completely utterly in love with him and I can't leave my husband just like he's not leaving his wife or as he says "his daughter" I am so confused. What should I do?

Is there a reason why you have been distracted by an on line stranger, and not tried to find out what's going through your own husbands head? I mean just saying, taking care of home means knowing what's making home no fun any more.

It is a big misake to get involved with one man before you're over the previous man.

That having been said - what advice would you give if your husband posted this situation, that he became involved with a married woman? Then do whatever you would tell him to do.

Maybe your lover's wife will catch on and fill your husband in on things - I'm an investigator. It happens all the time.

Then you won't have to decide because your husband will probably throw you out and then attempt to get sole custody of your children because you are, possibly, unfit.

OR - you can be honest, leave your husband let the rest of the World think whatever it wants to think.

Have you and your husband actually talked about what is going on in your marriage? Does he know that you are unhappy with how things have been? Have you brought up the possibility of counseling? Has anything changed for your husband in the last year? Work, financial difficulty, health concerns, extended family problems, etc. that may account for the sudden change?

It is far easier to fall in love elsewhere when you are in a rough patch, after all you don't have the same level of commitment, obligations, stresses, etc. than it is to face the problems in your current relationship and work them out. The new relationship is a novelty. It is fresh, it is new, it is exciting. You can be into each other without having to deal with all of the day to day things that go on.

Why do you think people cheat? One reason is because it is less work; it is an easy way to get the attention that you want, than to face the challenges the marriage may be facing.

Obviously you know that it is wrong. Odds are you will end up alone, once your husband finds out, and just what do you think your family will be thinking when they find out? What about your children?

You both need to end this affair and focus on working at your marriages. If, after truly putting forth the effort you feel that your marriage can not work out, then you divorce before you start anything new with someone else.

Keep in mind... this man you are now interested in has proven to be a liar and a cheat. If he will do this to his wife, who likely believes him to be honest and faithful, as well as to his daughter, who's to say he wouldn't do the same to you at some point. For all you know, he is meeting up with other women as well. If he lies to his family, you can be sure he would lie to you as well to be able to do what he wants.

That he won't get to see his child and his spouse will ruin his life if he leaves are old excuses used time and time again by people who cheat.

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Originally Posted by Foru2nome

I've been married for 11 yrs and I have 2 children. For past year my husband and I haven't seen eye to eye. All of a sudden things bother him, he's anti social, and seems like he rather have me be by myself with no friends or family. I've been very very unhappy where it is affecting me emotionally and it's draining me. I can't leave him because of afraid of being alone and what's my family would think. 2 months ago I met someone on a chat line and we seemed to click. We had a lot in common, he's married for 4 yrs and has a child (2yrs).

I asked him the reason why he was on the chat line and his response to me was he was unhappily married and we went on with the conversation. According to him he scared of leaving his wife as she's told him that he will never see his daughter and that she will make sure she ruins his life so he's scared. Now I'm at a point where I've fallen in love with this guy and he shows me the same emotion.

He sees me everyday and visits me at lunch talks to me in the morning on the way to work and after. Late nights after everyone is sleeping we text each other good night. I'm going crazy because I am completely utterly in love with him and I can't leave my husband just like he's not leaving his wife or as he says "his daughter" I am so confused. What should I do?

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You realize that there is no way that this new relationship will work without destroying so many lives. You also realize that you can't continue to have this secret relationship without it becoming known at some point. You know what you should do, what you must do, the right thing to do.

Some temptation can feel safe, comforting, loving, fun, exciting, and alluring and so on, but passing the test means you must resist. It is a falsehood when it is not based upon truth, integrity and respect, but instead based upon lies, deceit and dishonor. If you forget or ignore all the sage advice here and continue on this path which will most likely lead nowhere good, remember this one thing... Cheaters never prosper and Hearts will suffer. Take care of you and yours and know that you have value and worth.

Thank you all for your advice. I agree and understand every word your'e saying. I have tried to speak to my husband and work things out but nothing changes. He refuses to go to counseling or any type of help from anyone including his own family members. Both of our families are very much aware how our relationship is holding on by a tiny string and him and I are both holding on because of the kids... I know it sounds crazy and you might think "yea, right" but we have been holding on because of our children. We tried separating once before because of the same reasons and the ones that suffered were the kids and so we just decided to give it a try. It was wonderful the first couple of months but then things started going downhill again with the jealousy with my friends and family. If it were up to him, he would have us living on a private island with no one to speak to or deal with. I don't know if it's because it was the way he was brought up or something crazy cause I'm for one very family oriented. I love being around my family and I cherish my friends whom I can count with only one hand so I keep them very close to my heart. He in the other hand doesn't have any nor does he want to and the only family member he can really count on is his brother who is thousands of miles away and is married with his own family and problems. Everyone else from his side he really doesn't keep in contact with or cares too. I do love him very much but I am not in love with him and I love that he is a wonderful father and provider but to me it's still not enough. There's no romance, no interest, no desire, no love at all.
I'm very numb about all of this and it hurts. Yes I do agree that having a fling being fresh and new is always great and you feel like life is perfect but I also do know its only because we don't have the same responsibilities, children to care for, bills to pay together and all that adds to stress. My problems with my husband has nothing to do with money it's about him being controlling, jealous, anti social and not wanting to share with friends and family.

I know the other will not leave his wife for me nor will I ever ask but he does make me feel loved and desired. He's spontaneous and it's exciting. I didn't come on here to be judged but just to simply see how many can truly understand what I am going through.

I can understand it. Many of us can. You're unhappy. There is someone who can make you happier. It's not your husband. I get that.

I just think you are playing with fire. Moral judgments aside, what makes sense aside, I am telling you this from a professional standpoint. It's what I do for a living. At some point his wife is going to get wise. She may sue for divorce. She may confront you when you least expect it. She may show up at your house. She may call your husband, his parents, your parents, the neighbors.

You are putting the very children you are staying together to protect right in the firing line.

When it all blows up you are not going to look good - not to your neighbors, relatives, friends or the legal system.

"He" stays with his wife because SHE said SHE won't let him see his daughter and SHE will make his life miserable? Unless she's a Family Court Judge she doesn't have the ability to do that. He is either very naïve... or lying to himself... or lying to you... or looking for excuses to have an affair without losing his family.

And that brings me to the possibility that your husband will find out and he's the one who will make the calls.

I hear all the time, "Oh, no, that will never happen." Meanwhile I make a very good living.

Reality check on the other man: He may not be married. He wouldn't be the first single male who made up a fantasy life to get a married woman in an unhappy marriage to play games with him. Would you have been as open to communicating with him if he told you he was single and just looking for a hook-up? How sympathetic and needy does his story make him seem?

You sound like a nice person who is at the end of her rope with a controlling husband. Unfortunately, you are giving him reasons for being insecure and controlling. Time to let the 'other man' go. There are better ways to help yourself feel better about you and to build up a relationship with yourself. The men may come and go, but your relationship with yourself will always be there.

What happened a year ago that caused a sudden shift in your husband? It sounds like he has always been somewhat insecure, but you say there was a major shift and he became more controlling. Is that when his brother's marriage started having issues? Did something else, perhaps something that seems disconnected or not major at the time, happen?

Did he seem to have this major change when one of your children reached a milestone such as age or grade in school, or developed an interest in something that might have triggered something from your husband's past?

If your husband won't go to counseling, go by yourself. You need someone who is a neutral party to talk to and get feedback from. I think that may be what the 'chat' started as but the other man isn't a trained counselor and he has his own agenda making him less than a neutral party.

Family counseling may help as a way to separate but cause as little damage as necessary.

Good luck and take care of yourself. Stop playing bandage/crutch for these men. You are only hurting yourself and your children with the current situation.

I feel the number one reason married people cheat is because they are unhappy, yet stay miserable for the kids. I have always thought that a very selfish way to justify bad behavior, and have seen the effects of an unhappy dysfunctional household have on those kids as they grow up, and have unhealthy relationships themselves.

I think the suggestion to get counseling whether the husband goes or NOT, is an excellent one, and a better alternative to cheating. Counseling is positive and proactive, and cheating is negative and self destructive, so its easy to see what direction to go in.

I don't know how many matrimonial (or family) matters I have investigated over the years - a lot.

I have NEVER once had someone tell me that they strayed (and that doesn't necessarily involve physical cheating) because of the sex. It's always about the attention when it's a woman and about "understanding" when it's a man. Always.

Women tell me that they are like a fixture in the house but the other man pays attention, is flattering, hangs on every word, drops in at lunchtime for a visit (sound familiar - ?), calls all the time.

Men tell me that they have problems at work or in some other aspect of life and the other person listens, understands, is supportive.

And I've never once heard a different story.

Obviously people with addiction problems are in different categories.

Why would this have anything to do with addiction? Sorry Judy but you totally confused me with this one.

Foru2nome...

You're unhappy, you have tried talking it out, you have tried working it out, you have even separated, to no avail. Then either you stay in the marriage, and hope that it will somehow turn around, or you end it. You do not continue to cheat on your husband and your children. Yes, it is cheating on your children as well.

Now imagine what this other woman will feel when she learns that her husband is cheating on her with you. Do you really want to be a part of that? Do you really hold yourself in that high of regard that you would put your wants ahead of another woman's and children's... knowing the pain you would cause that family as well?

No one says you shouldn't be happy and feel loved, cared about, and appreciated. You just need to find that when you are truly available and from someone else who is truly available.

Do the right thing and end it with this man. You have no idea whether he has been honest with you or not. No doubt you believe everything he tells you, but how do you really know? Because you "just do"? Don't you think his wife believes the same thing?

Get counseling for yourself to help you deal with the problems in your marriage. At some point, you will have to make the decision to continue to work at it or move on if you believe it just isn't going to change.

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Originally Posted by Foru2nome

Why would this have anything to do with addiction? Sorry Judy but you totally confused me with this one.

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Addicted people make choices based on other factors - not for the attention, not for the understanding.