My husband is the only one of us that works at the minute while I look after our 2 children and my other child from a previous relationship and at present he is refusing to share the money that he earns saying that it is his.

At present he will give me around £400 a month to combine with the money that I get but this is to pay all the bills like rent, food etc. After I have done this it leaves me with no free money to treat the kids to days out etc. If I ask him for some money he always makes me pay it back whch then obviously leaves me short the next month.

I have tried to talk to him about this as I was brought up to believe that when you got married you shared everything there was no mine and yours but he refuses to get a joint account or anything. He has said all the money could go into his account but then I would have no access to it what so ever.

He keeps going on that he works for his money while I sit around and do nothing for the bit that I get so why should he share it. I don't think he realises how much work goes into looking after 3 children and looking after the house.

The thing that really gets to me is that instead of sharing his money for things for the kids etc he spends it on drugs. I have tried loads of times to get him to quit and start acting how I think a grown up and an adult should do but he just won't.

I am really stuck now I don't want my kids growing up with parents that keep arguing all the time and keep considering leaving him. I am really unsure of what to do any advice would be greatly appreciated,

You are dealing with a lot.

Raising three children, and running a household, is really underappreciated by your husband. I read once what the paycheque would look like, should it be actual paid work.

I don't see where money is a problem, your husband just won't put enough into the kitty.

Shared assets are indeed, shared. Should you divorce, he'd likely see that child support would take a good deal more of his money that what he gives now.

That being said, I wonder if how much of his justification for the money issue, has to do with the drug issue he has as well.

Regardless, you have a lot to tackle to reach a point where life is easier for you, and more accountability comes from him. That might be considering counselling for both of you, in order to air your points of view, away from the children, in a calm way. It is hard work, and both of you need to be willing to try to save the marriage or it is a waste of time.

If he refuses to address issues, what are you left with. You could get a part time job and pay most of that to a babysitter. You could give him an ultimatum to attend counselling, and to also address substance issues. You didn't say what drugs he uses, but I presume whatever he is spending on his drugs, is money that could be going to help support his children.

While he is using drugs and not supporting his family the way he should be financially, he is also not likely putting anybody's needs before his own, including parenting and quality time with his children.

So, if you decide to put your anger at him into action, be prepared for the work involved in finally having him answer to the problems in the marriage. You might consider six months, should he agree he needs to make changes.

But for him to continue living 'single', and behaving like a teenager instead of a grown man with responsibiliities, I'd be inclined to send him packing.

He has an addiction. You and the children come after his drugs. You always will unless he feels the need to get help with it, which apparently at this point he doesn't.

As Jake said, you could try for whatever job you can find for now, but it would cost you to have someone mind the children. Do you have family or friends who could do that for you for free or for a low cost?

Do you have any reason to fear him?

I'd bring up counseling, but he isn't likely to go for it since he doesn't seem to think there is any problem. At the very least you will know that you tried. If you don't think things are going to change, it may be time to strongly consider leaving. As you said, your children need to come first and being in a household with that much imbalance is not healthy... and of course having a parent with a drug problem obviously isn't either.

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Originally Posted by DoulaLC

He has an addiction. You and the children come after his drugs. You always will unless he feels the need to get help with it, which apparently at this point he doesn't.

As Jake said, you could try for whatever job you can find for now, but it would cost you to have someone mind the children. Do you have family or friends who could do that for you for free or for a low cost?

Do you have any reason to fear him?

I'd bring up counseling, but he isn't likely to go for it since he doesn't seem to think there is any problem. At the very least you will know that you tried. If you don't think things are going to change, it may be time to strongly consider leaving. As you said, your children need to come first and being in a household with that much imbalance is not healthy....and of course having a parent with a drug problem obviously isn't either.

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Hi,

Thanks for your replies. I don't have anyone really who would be able to look after my children while I go out to work. My father used to do it but he was badly hurt a few years ago when he was hit by a car and struggles to get around now due to the injuries to his legs so I do not feel that it would be appropriate to ask him. The only other person that would do it is my grandma but she is nearing 75 now so I wouldn't want to ask her either even though I know she would do it. So my only option would be to get childcare and after that is paid for I can't see it making much difference to the amount of spare money that would be left.

In regards to fearing him I suppose I do in a way. I hate to bring things up with him as he will get angry and I do think he has anger management issues he can be threatening and has threaten me on a few occasions saying that he wants to smash my face in and things like that.

I am seriously considering a divorce as I know that he is emotionally abusive to me he is always calling me names and saying that I am s**t and things like that. I am just scared that he would try and get the kids which is why I haven't done anything yet.

With the threats of physical harm, emotional abuse, drug addiction, and name calling, you may want to look into any women's shelters or services for support. With a drug addition, he won't get the kids. If you are a stable parent the kids would stay with you.

Give it some thought and if you decide to move forward with divorce, don't say anything to him until you have gotten things sorted by speaking to a lawyer first.

I will agree, you are lucky to get the 400 and I will guess that will get less as his adiction gets worst. You have no chance at this point to get more. You may get more though divorce and child support, but as noted I would talk to an attorney