Ask Me Help Desk - Trying to survive Domestic violence

I am in a relationship with a mentally ill man. It was not apparent the he had mental illness until I had been with him for almost 6 years. We have been together over 10 years now, and have a 5 year old son together. This man has been steadily more and more abusive to me over the 10 years, and I have moved away 3 times now, and each time he gets extremely scary and stalks me until I move back in with him. I have tried over and over again to get the police involved, my friends have called the police on him, my family has too. The police REFUSE to do anything. I have been told by officers, while I am sitting there with bruises that if I don't like the abuse, I will leave all of my belongings (because he claimed they were all his and the police pretended to believe my purses and bras and all my other things were his stuff) I will leave all my money there because he claims it's his, I will leave my ID there because he claims the purse it's in is his, and I will leave with just the clothes on my back, quit my job and go to another city to sleep on the floor of a shelter. When I refused and begged them to arrest him, they told me it must not be that bad and left. My abuser has almost run my son over (admittedly not on purpose, but he was so mad at me he wasn't watching what he was doing) the police told me that wasn't child endangerment, just bad parenting. When I move away from him and he stalks me the police tell me he is allowed to stand outside my apartment building looking in my windows because my blinds were open and he was on public property. They wouldn't do anything about him calling me repeatedly or banging on my door because they "didn't witness it" I have gone to the police station with a domestic violence advocate and tried to get a restraining order and even though the advocate had WITNESSED some of the abuse, the police absolutely refused to let me file a report or anything. I have tried to get ANYONE in a legal position to help me but I keep getting the response that since I have no police documentation they can't do anything because it's my word against his. I live with him right now, and he can scream horrible things at me for hours, slam doors, throw stuff off our porch at me, yell at my mother, rip phones out of the walls, listen in on all my phone conversations, scream at my son, and the police still do nothing. They actually told me once that if I don't want him listening in to my phone calls (MY phone and I pay the bill too) that I should take my phone and my son and walk up the street to use it. The neighbors hear him scream at me they see him throw things, they have even seen him kick my dog and they say nothing but if I yell at him to leave me alone PLEASE! (my exact words) the neighbors yell at me to shut up, they complain to the police that I am disturbing them, and they complain to my landlord. My landlord has told me to shut up, and if I don't like it to move out. He has told my abuser to be in charge of this household and to get me in line. He has also told him it's HIS home and I can move at any time. I have no money to move because I pay for everything right now. My self-esteem is totally shot, I feel a lot of the time that I must be at fault for all of this, I feel so alone, I feel worthless because nobody that is in a position to help me will, and I feel like I am abused by the police and landlord and neighbors. I am not making any of this up and I am not paranoid because numerous family members and friends have witnessed this and have been through similar things with the police.

Go down to your local family court and file for a restraining order as well as custody / child support. Move out. And then if he tries anything you will have the law on your side. As it is now you risk losing your child because of domestic violence. If you have to you walk away and then recover from there. The police will escort you back in to get your things.

Move and this time do not go back no matter what he does, he will do more this time than last since it has worked for him. Get a video recorder and record what he is doing.
If the stupid police officer on the beat will not do something, call his supervisor

Buy a small tape recorder. Tape him screaming at you. Then go to the Police.

If he's dangerous (and he appears to be) go to the Police, ask to speak to the Supervisor.

I do not mean this to be insulting as it apparently is your religion BUT does your being a wiccan, casting spells, have anything to to with problems with family, friends, neighbors? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...-245815-4.html

I understand they might be wary of you.

I am having a really hard time understanding why you have been with this man 10 years, realized he was 'mentally ill' after six years, but had a baby anyway?

Why would you bring a child into the world under the circumstances that you choose to live in.

You say you manged to muster up the courage three separate times to leave, "but each time he gets extremely scary and stalks me until I move back in with him. "

There is much more to this, surely. What has happened when you went to a women's shelter? What has happened when you take your documentation -days, times, incidents, and gone before a judge. Have you ever applied for legal aid.

Your neighbours have complained about you to the police? Could that have something to do with your credibility?

I cannot see why you have not left and actually stayed away, and even moved out of town permanently. Why do you still stay. What do you expect the police to do with your choices?

Who takes care of your baby when you are at work? Him?

Why is it not possible for you to gather your money and your ID (shouldn't it just be in your purse), and leave? During your day at work, can you not make phone calls to women's services who are skilled, trained, and available to assist any woman in trouble who needs protection- regardless of whether the police are involved or not.

You seem to say all the right things about being abused and needing help. What you don't say is that you are putting your son in the direct line of fire while expecting others to help you, when you don't seem to have made concrete efforts to help yourself.

You've left and returned three times- and I find it curious that you haven't had your child removed from your home under the circumstances you describe.

I don't know what else to tell you, but of the women I have dealt with over many years, there are always options, and there is help.

But over and over you choose to be a victim, or imply that your circumstance are caused by a lack of police involvement.

It is absolutely untrue that there is nobody in a position to help you, as you say, and that you are somehow forced to endure what you describe as a situation that has left you, and more importantly your son, in dire straights.

Even start with your family Doctor if you don't know which way to turn. Ask his or her assistance in locating a safe place for you and your baby to go to. That is the very bottom, basic line- making a start, and doing what you have to do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Buy a small tape recorder. Tape him screaming at you. Then go to the Police.

If he's dangerous (and he appears to be) go to the Police, ask to speak to the Supervisor.

I do not mean this to be insulting as it apparently is your religion BUT does your being a wiccan, casting spells, have anything to to with problems with family, friends, neighbors? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/other-...-245815-4.html

I understand they might be wary of you.

I have recordings, but because I didn't tell him I was recording him the police said it was illegal recording. My neighbors don't know I am Wiccan so that's not the issue. My friends and family are supportive and have all tried to get the police and courts involved. This man has threatened them, we have it on answering machines, I have witnesses but the police still have not done anything. We always hear that either there isn't enough evidence, or we did something wrong or unsubmittable to get evidence. We are all so frustrated we are actually thinking about filing a complaint about the police department.

Well, then I won't tell you that you can record in Ohio as long as ONE PARTY is aware of the recording.

You have managed to insult both Jake (who, by the way, is not a man is is a very well respected member of this community) and me. I understand why you have problems with friends, neighbors and the Police.

I have no idea why anyone would try to help you when all you want to do is turn insulting and argue.

Let's see if anyone else is game - or, for that matter, how long this thread remains open.

So it's okay to insult the poster, and say nasty things to them, and to pretty much verbally abuse them online, but if they get upset and defend themselves you can't take it and get upset and basically threaten to try and get the post deleted? So how did I insult you when my response to you was "I have recordings, but because I didn't tell him I was recording him the police said it was illegal recording. My neighbors don't know I am Wiccan so that's not the issue. My friends and family are supportive and have all tried to get the police and courts involved. This man has threatened them, we have it on answering machines, I have witnesses but the police still have not done anything. We always hear that either there isn't enough evidence, or we did something wrong or unsubmittable to get evidence. We are all so frustrated we are actually thinking about filing a complaint about the police department." If you find that insulting you are extremely over sensitive. I know that in Ohio it's supposed to be legal if only one person knows the conversation is being recorded, but my whole problem is even knowing that, the police STILL will not do anything. When a domestic violence advocate (who has a LAW LICENSE) tells me and my family that the police in my area are notorious for refusing to prosecute domestic violence, how is that reflective on me? I have been on the phone with my mother and had him grab the phone out of my hands by shoving me to the floor and holding me down with his foot to get it, and she called the police because she couldn't get back in touch with me and police come out, I have a red mark on my chest, I'm crying and shaking, my son is crying, this man is screaming at me, and the police look right at me and say, and I quote, "If you had handed him the phone he wouldn't have pushed you. A red mark is not enough to arrest him, it will fade in a few minutes." Please explain how anyone deserves that?

And maybe after 10 years of trying to prosecute this man and literally begging the police to protect me and my child, and having friends, family, and a domestic violence advocate all witness his abuse AND witness how much of a failure the police are in my area, I think I have a right to be on edge and be upset when people say things like "over and over you choose to be a victim" or "You seem to say all the right things about being abused and needing help. What you don't say is that you are putting your son in the direct line of fire while expecting others to help you, when you don't seem to have made concrete efforts to help yourself." Moving away, working 3 jobs to pay my bills, and recording his threats isn't making concrete efforts to help myself? When you have recordings of someone telling you "Keep hiding from me b***h, I'll find you and kill you" and then the cops tell you "We can't listen to that recording because you didn't tell him you were recording him." And your bosses are threatening to fire you because your getting 30 calls a day from this person, and he follows you after work, and you never leave your home unless you have to because you think he's going to run you over, eventually after months of that you start thinking "well, if I live with him, he won't call my job anymore so I won't get fired, and I'll know where he is so I won't have to look over my shoulder anymore, and if I live with him, he will be nice at least some of the time because he'll feel like he won. Maybe I'll be able to save enough money to just leave the state." And I'm waiting for my housing assistance so I CAN get away. I am just trying to stay sane and safe until that happens. I posted on here because I though maybe other people are going through this or have gone through this and had some advice, but just like I am used to from the legal system, apparently you think this is my fault. Yeah, I ran into his fist...

You're right. You're a victim of him, your neighbors, your family, your friends, the people who post on AMHD.

At last we agree on something!

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

You're right. You're a victim of him, your neighbors, your family, your friends, the people who post on AMHD.

At last we agree on something!

You obviously haven't read any of my posts, because I have said my friends and family are helping me! When have I said I'm a victim of my friends or family? Several of my friends have had confrontations with this man and the police wouldn't help them either! 2 of my friends are with guys that abuse them, and they are in the same boat as me, where the cops basically tell them "we'll do something if he KILLS you..." You are obviously not reading what I wrote and that makes your response ignorant.